angels on my mind

Cutie pies

2012-01-24T10:05:00.001+02:00

Such a cutie

Wake up sis

Twin update...

2012-01-17T15:58:00.001+02:00

Age: 3 months, 4 weeks...adjusted age = 2 months or 9 weeks on Thurs!

Height/Weight:We went for a weigh-in and innoculations yesterday...do NOT like the innoculation part and hearing my poor little babies screaming after each injection. And they had to have three! Not great. Poor little Rebecca was inconsolable for ages and she then got a temperature and was not herself. On the weight front however they have done fabulously! Both have put on about a kg in the last 4 weeks. Rebecca weighs almost 5kg and Finn is almost 6kg at 5.8kg. He is getting so heavy now and both are putting on fat and looking more chubby like real babies...so cute!

Developmental notes: The twins are doing so well...growing and becoming more interactive each day. There are loads of smiles now and gurgles and cooing noises. Finn is more vocal and has a whole range of chuckles and sounds. Rebecca tries to "talk" with more gentle sounds. They both focus fully on you and track movement nicely. They have started grabbing things in front of them and are beginning to discover their hands. Rebecca especially is very strong with her neck muscles and holding her head up. Finn is also good but more floppy. I think Becs is quite tense muscularly and we may take her to a physio - she just seems too tight sometimes and always stretching and rigid - it is almost as if she wants to start walking aready!

Eating:Still expressing my BM...it is such a chore but I am so happy to be doing what I can to ensure the babies get breast milk. We are half BM half formula - on S26 Gold. Despite the guides saying that they should be increasing their feeds now with weight gain - I am struggling to get them to eat more than they are. Rebecca is on 90ml (should be 110ml) and Finn on 120ml (should be 130ml) and they dont finish their bottles sometimes. This is distressing when it is BM :( - wasting momma's gold lol!

Sleep: They are sleeping well and in a nice routine most of the time. They nap during the day for about 4-6 hours and then sleep from 7h30/8pm until we wake them at 10h30 for a feed. They then sleep until about 2am. Sometimes we have to wake Rebecca still at the 2am feed - usually Finn is the one to wake first. We tried the Sleepsense method of leaving them to wake naturally but it was chaos...one woke at 12, the other at 1am and then again at 3 or 4 am...and they were fully awake so getting them back to sleep was hectic - NOT fun for the parent on night duty! We decided to stick with Gina Ford and dreamfeed...at least we more or less know what to expect then.

Finn has stopped his constant grunting from 4am however he sometimes wakes up early moaning and crying but usually can go back to sleep until feeding time at 6am. More than not, I fetch him to sleep in bed with me rather than listen to the moans or risk him waking Rebecca. So on an off-night, you get 6 to 61/2 hours sleep and on duty anything from 3 to 5 1/2 hours. I am dreading going back to work beginning Feb with constant lack of sleep - babies please start sleeping through soon!!! They have started being more active sleepers though and ruffle up their nests or work out of their swaddles so sometimes you find them with the blankets under their faces or around their heads - not great! I have just moved all the "nest" things out of their cots and bought sleepsacks to use from now on.

Favourite Things:"Talking" to mum and dad after feeding time lying against their legs in bed. For us, these bonding times are so special - nothing beats having your baby smile at you and coo sweet sounds in response to your talking.

Dislikes: Being made to finish a bottle of mums BM when they don't feel like it lol!

Their accomplishments: Growing, watching, grabbing, looking, smiling, talking!

Our accomplishments: Getting by with lack of sleep...amazing how you adapt...you have to!

Looking forward to: Babies sleeping through...

Mommy musings: The babies really like sleeping on their tummies, which is not ideal...with the swaddling going pear-shaped, I have bought sleep sacks which require the babies to sleep on their backs...hope they take to it. Finn is getting pretty good at self soothing himself to sleep from a drowsy state, but Rebecca has to be fast asleep before being put in her cot to sleep...going to need to start working on this with her as she must learn to self soothe in her cot...for down the line this will become tricky.

Our au pair started last week and she is amazing and everything is going so well - so I have decided to return to work early and to use the annual leave I would've used for Feb to leave work early for a few months so that the au pair is not alone in the "crazytime" evenings. I have been in hospital and then with them for the past 5 months and feel ready to go back to work, but I know it is going to be hard and I am going to shed many a tear missing them and wondering why the hell I am working, even though I enjoy my work and need to be fulfilled professionally as well...it will be tough finding the balance and I have no doubt, there will be much agonising to come...

Good morning world

2012-01-09T17:32:00.001+02:00

Sunday morning sweeties

Roll on 3 months

2012-01-08T20:15:00.001+02:00

I don't want to wish any phase or time away as every moment is precious, but seriously...I want this colicky phase over ASAP! Finn has sorted through his colicky issues only for Rebecca to now be plagued by them...inconsolable crying for hours on end really wears the strongest of us down! I am trying Bennetts Colic Remedy, but this evening was really bad, poor thing and poor mum and dad - nothing would ease her crying...eventually she has cried herself out and is sleeping...just...hope it lasts...

If it miraculously eases at 3 months or so they say, then we have 4-5 weeks left of this!!! Heeeeeelllllp!

Becca

2012-01-06T12:28:00.000+02:00

Becca and mum

Look at this little cutie girl!!!

The year of our miracle

2012-01-01T22:32:00.001+02:00

I will always remember 2011 as the year of our miracle. After 12 long years of waiting, trying, hoping, our babies finally arrived. 2011 has been such a special year and I am filled with gratitude. May 2012 be a year of wonderful discovery and love as our little family grows...

Moving to their own room!

2011-12-29T20:35:00.000+02:00

Today is a momentous day! The twins are 6 weeks corrected age and we have moved them to their own cots in their nursery! They have been sharing a camping cot in our room for the past 2 months, and are getting so tall that they are running out of space in the camping cot. They kick the bottom and have to squash up their legs to fit if they scootch down while sleeping. So....it is time, and tonight will be the first night we haven't slept next to our babes. It is going to be wierd! And as I write this, they are both in bed...pretty miraculous considering that Rebecca was up crying until 11:30pm last night!!! So it may not last...but for now they are snug in their little beds...

We may even share our bed again instead of having seperate rooms. We have been sharing night duties so we each get 6 hours sleep in the study room every 2nd day which has been great. Now, the parent on duty will have the monitor next to them and when the twins wake, will go do the 2-3am feed. If the wheels are falling off, then the parent can turn the monitor off and go sleep in the nursery leaving the off-duty parent to sleep...hope this works. DH tends to sleep through a lot more than I do, so invariably I react before he does...I may need to wear really good ear plugs on my off night lol! At least we have the option of other beds to sleep in if we need to...

I will miss having the babies close to us, but on the other hand, maybe all the night snuffling, coughing, moaning and groaning will not keep me awake if they are in their room - not sure how these noises will play through the monitor, but we will play with the settings so we can still hear the crying and apnea monitor alarms if they go off.

Our babies have been with us for almost 3 and 1/2 months already and yet they are only actually 6 weeks old in developmental stages. The wonderful smiles and gurgles are starting and I already can't get enough...

All I want for Christmas...

2011-12-24T22:34:00.000+02:00

...are our babies in our arms!

This time last year, we had just been through our 6th failed IVF cycle. We had wished so hard for a miracle conception in time for Christmas, but it just wasn't to be.

So on New Year's eve, we wished for 2011 to be the year for us to have a our family. And our wish finally came true. And this Christmas I am finally a mother. To two beautiful babies...I am so grateful and blessed by this miracle. I have all I ever wanted.

Happy First Christmas dear Rebecca and Finn. We love you so much and are so happy to have been chosen to be your parents. May your angels watch over you always xxx

Twin update...

2011-12-20T14:30:00.000+02:00

Age: Corrected age = almost 5 weeks (on Thursday)

Height/Weight: At the last clinic visit last Monday, Finn weighed 4.7kg and Rebecca 4kg! By now I think Finn is almost 5kg though - he is really getting heavier everyday. They both put on a kg in 4 weeks. I still haven't measured their heights - will next time!

Developmental notes: Both babies have started making real eye contact and responding to interaction with them. They have also started tracking movement for about 45 degrees! Finn was trying to laugh the other day - so so cute. He has started making some gurgling noises and sounds. Rebecca stares intently and turns to you when spoken to. Both have started smiling! They are already getting so cute - I cannot imagine how the cute factor will just get more and more as they become more and more responsive!

Eating: We are sticking to a 3 hourly day feeding schedule and 4 hourly at night. They are on increased feeds now of 110ml and 100ml, but sometimes battle to finish their bottles. Other times they finish no problem. So between the two of them, they are now eating 1400 ml of EBM and formula. I am topping up my expressed breast milk with two or three formula feeds to make up this amount. The Eglanol has not really increased my milk supply as much as I had hoped it would but I am still managing to eke some extra with the third formula feed to actually freeze 150ml every other day to try build up a frozen supply for when I go back to work.

Sleep: Not too bad really. DH and I share twin duties - we both do the 11pm feed and then one night he sleeps in the room with them and does the 2-3am feed and the next night I do it. So we each have a full 6 hours sleep every second day. This is keeping me sane. I do feel bad as DH has to work, but he is coping okay I think and it really has made it bearable for me as I cannot function very well at all without sleep. The babies are sleeping well - when they go to sleep that is. Finn goes down pretty well at about 7:30pm and sleeps until 11pm, waking at about 2am or 3am for his bottle.

Rebecca however has been all colicky and cries from 7pm feed until about 9 or 10pm. She then misses or we dream feed her at 11pm and again at 3am. They wake up at about 5:30 or 6am for their first day bottle. I thought about changing their routine to Gina Fords but my schedule quite works for me as it is easy to remember when to feed, DH goes to work at 6:30am so he can help me with the first feed whereas with Gina it is at 7am and I would be alone. So for now, we are keeping it like it is. I think going forward, we will aim for longer awake times so that eventually we can try get the babies to sleep through from 10pm to 6am and skip the 3am feed. This is my ideal! Rebecca would almost do this now, but Finn...nooooo way! Our boy is loving his food too much!

Favourite Things: Being in water, eating, being in our arms.

Dislikes: Sleeves, waiting for the bottle, feeling niggly.

Their accomplishments: Growing so well, smiling!

Our accomplishments: Being such a great team. Loving each other more than ever before.

Looking forward to: More developmental milestones! Less nigglings, more content babies...sleeping through lol!

Mommy musings: I am loving our babies so much...I love the smell of them and nuzzling in their little necks and covering them in kisses, which I do a lot!

Look how we have grown!

2011-12-11T11:09:00.001+02:00

Finn - first day in NICU 19 September

Rebecca - first day in NICU 19 September

Today...corrected age - 3 weeks old

Look how much we have grown!

Tall babies.

My heart

2011-12-09T20:05:00.001+02:00

My heart aches when I look at our babies...overflowing with immense love and overwhelming wonder...

How could any two babies be more perfect?

Twin update...3 weeks

2011-12-05T13:52:00.001+02:00

Age: Birth age = 14 weeks old (Sunday). Corrected age = 3 weeks (Thursday)

Height/Weight: We will only be weighing them again on Monday 12th December when we take them for their next innoculations. Hate this and I refuse to breastfeed again while they are getting their injections - too hard to see them screaming while trying to drink - I feel as if they must think I am hurting them! DH will take them in and I will comfort them afterwards. I can't wait to see how much weight they have gained. Finn is getting so heavy, I am sure he is nearing the 5kg mark! He is growing out of newborn size nappies and I have moved him up to the next size already!

Developmental notes: They have definitely started engaging with us more - more eye contact and some little smiles which I am sure are not windy grins. They respond when you talk to them. They have started looking at hands, and objects close by. It is fascinating to watch them develop and become more interactive. I can't wait for the gurgling chuckles and laughs...hugs, kisses and grins! If I stick my tongue out at them, it usually takes a little while and they also stick their tongues out trying to copy me - so cute.

Eating: Still eating well - all by bottle now and exclusively EBM except for 2 feeds per day which are formula. Even with Eglanol my milk supply hasn't increased by much - about 100mls or so. I am starting to freeze 100 - 150mls per day now so I have a stockpile by the time I go back to work. I am not sure if I will continue pumping once I go back to work - I will see how it goes. If I don't and we move to formula, then I will have "breastfed" for 6 months, so I feel great about that. I will try to express at least twice a day or breastfeed in the evenings, but I suspect my milk supply may dwindle with such little demand. I also don't want to be taking eglanol forever...can't be good. Finn's latch is getting worse and worse and he can barely grab my nipple let alone get a proper latch to drink. He really has become a bottle baby. Rebecca loves comfort breastfeeding and roots whenever I hold her so I let her have little feeds here and there as top ups.

Sleep: Their sleep routines during the day change quite a bit. Somedays they feed and go to sleep like angels. Other days, one stays awake from one feed to the next. Rebecca doesn't like being put down in her cot to nap and loves being in the arms sometimes. Finn sometimes wakes up after 30 minutes and can't put himself back to sleep. It is really is a "take one day at a time" situation. I am going to try a better daytime routine soon a la Gina Ford, but who knows how they will take to it. I need to install a black out blind first. One the plus side, they are pretty good at nights from 11pm. They usually sleep until 2am or 3am and then until 5am or 6am. Finn however groans and grunts and sometimes cries from 3 or 4am until the next feed so invariably I pick him up and he sleeps with me in bed. Sometimes though he thrashes around and is so loud, I do not get back to sleep. Eish.

Favorite Things: Being in our arms. Bathing. Eating. Kisses from mum and dad.

Dislikes: Being bitten by mozzies (poor tots have bites on their heads) - we need to cover them with netting from tonight!!!

Their Accomplishments: They are still growing so beautifully and doing so well.

Our Accomplishments: As we get more familiar with them, it does get easier...but when they are both crying and have red eyes and real tears streaming down their faces and you are alone with them and don't know what to do to stop them it can get a bit scary still. I can see how in some ways it will become easier and easier and in other ways just different...we are a mom and dad now with two little ones and on a new incredible journey...one step at a time.

Looking forward to: Smiles and chuckles and gurgles.

Mommy musings: I am finding it fascinating looking at these precious creations and trying to work out which genetic features I can see from DH. There is no doubt that these are his babies and Finn looks very much like daddy. I keep reminding myself that as their biological mom, I had a huge part in determining their genetic patterns - which ones switched on or off, and they grew from my blood and body. They come from four precious sources - biological genetic father, genetic donor, biological mother and of course their souls from the source and our soul group. I feel so completely connected to these little miracles.

Babies and the Chiro...

2011-11-29T13:12:00.001+02:00

Having heard how effective chiro can be for niggly / colicky babies, we took the twins to a referred chiropractor on Saturday. She was lovely - really intuitive and has great energy. Using a mixture of kinesiology and chiro skill, she found that both babies were slightly out of alignment and treated this in both of them. She explained that any emotions I had been feeling after they were born would still be with them as they are not seperate from me yet. I was quite taken aback when she asked me what I had been feeling when I saw them after being in ICU and I burst into tears. I said "fear", "anxiety". She said, no what else? I couldn't pinpoint the emotion, but it has come to me since and I think it is a little guilt as well. Guilt that I let them down and couldn't keep my babies safe inside my body longer. She then said to me...okay, now it is time for the good side, okay? Okay.

The difference in Finn especially has been remarkable. After leaving the appointment, he fell into a deep sleep and has stopped his incessant crying for no particular reason. He stopped shrieking during every nappy change, and generally seems to be a far more content baby. Rebecca on the other hand, was very unsettled and didn't want to sleep and has since been a little more niggly than usual. We went for another session today, so time will tell as to what impact this session has had. Finn was very unsettled this morning, but both are sleeping like angels right now. I love it when they are chilled and happy. Makes me happy too.

A very chilled Finn

A year ago...

2011-11-23T21:02:00.001+02:00

A year ago or so, this was my post.... Faith and Trust

How incredible that our miracle did indeed happen in 2011.

We are so so doubly blessed.

Paed check-up

2011-11-23T15:04:00.001+02:00

The twins are 9 weeks old or corrected age, actually only 6 days old today and it was off to their Paed for their 2nd checkup since discharge. They are doing so well! Finn weighs 3.920kg and Rebecca 3.320kg! So in one month, Finn has put on 1kg and Rebecca 860g! Little munchers!

Everything was spot on and the Paed is happy with them. From a developmental point, we were right to assume we treat them as newborn and a week old. So in about 6 weeks time, they should start smiling and tracking our movements to about 10 degrees or so. Cute hey! I already think they smile for real - not just windy grins...but who knows lol. It is the cutest thing when they both breastfeed together and then drop off with big milky grins on their faces! Like the babies that got the cream lol.

On a sad note we heard about one of the babies, also a twin, that was in NICU with the twins, got a fungal infection from the pipes and tubes in that NICU! He has had to have open heart surgery as the fungi developed into a growth blocking off one of his valves and now has developed a brain bleed as the fungi travelled to his brain and has started growing there. Really scary so please send love and light to him and his parents. I was so nervous knowing that our twins actually were in the same incubator as he had been...please let our babies not have any infection of any kind!!!!

I love my babies so so much, the thought of them being ill or hurt in anyway makes me want to wrap them in cottonwool forever.

Twins update...

2011-11-21T20:08:00.001+02:00

I have been inspired by Michelle D to record the development phases and other cool info as the twins grow...so have used her fab template with a few changes as we go along...I have been wanting to start recording all their amazing developments and I don't want to forget a thing!

Age: Birth age = 9 weeks old. Corrected age = 4 days old.

Height/Weight: Well okay...I haven't measured their heights but on Monday, Finn weighed 3.5kg and Rebecca just short of 3kg.

Developmental notes: I have been thinking a lot about how being prem has affected their developmental progress. If we consider that their corrected age is actually only 4 days old, they have achieved some newborn milestones already weeks ago yet they have already been here for 9 weeks. For eg - they have already unfurled their limbs and can straighten out completely. They have also already been exposed to so many sensory experiences that a newborn is not normally exposed to, and not all of it positive if one considers the NICU experience - noise, bright lights, injections, etc - how does this impact on their sensory development?

Eating: Mostly exclusively breast milk, with 2 formula feeds at 10pm and 2am. They are on 7-8 feeds per day at 6am, 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6-7pm (split feed or two depending), 10pm and 2am. They sometimes wake before feeds starving and crying for food...so we try to hold off a little but if they cannot be soothed, we feed them early and then try to catch up later in the day otherwise the routine goes completely wonky with one eating an hour before the other etc! I am starting to take eglanol now to increase my milk supply as I cannot commmit to exclusive breastfeeding and dont want to live at my pump - both the only ways to increase milk supply! So hoping the eglanol with increase it enough to keep up with their demand for the next 6 months. Expressing breast milk and bottle feeding is working well, however they do get a little confused between the style of sucking at the breast and then the bottle. Despite this, I am hoping to still breastfeed as often as I can, even if only as a top up or for comfort and closeness early in the mornings and late at night.

Sleep: They generally stay awake during the feed and a while after, falling asleep about 1 1/2 hours after the feed or so. At night however they tend to go straight back to sleep unless uncomfortable in which case they can be crying and awake for hours. Generally they sleep about 10 hours during the day and 6 hours during the night...but often it is less!

Favorite Things: They aren't really at the stage of having favorite things, but they kinda like their boppy pillows sometimes. They LOVE their bathtime and chilling out in the water. They like being massaged. They love comfort breast feeding, but want bottles for fast food!

Dislikes: Mommy trying to make them latch on when they are starving and want instant gratification from the fast flow of the bottle. Being put down for a nap when they don't want to go to sleep! Passing winds - makes them so uncomfortable and painful for their little bodies sometimes.

Their Accomplishments: They are growing so beautifully and doing so well.

Our Accomplishments: Being such a great team. There is no one else I would want to be doing this with other than my DH.

Sleep: DH and I share night duty (2am feed and on duty in the bedroom with the babies) on Mon, Tues, Wed and Thurs. On Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays we are both on call with the babies and share the night feed. This way, we each get 6 hours sleep every 2nd night and on shared nights, feeds go quicker and we share who gets up to deal with a miserable tot. It seems to be working but it's luck of the draw as to how much sleep you actually will get when it is your night. If they aren't niggling, you could get up to 5 hours sleep. Sadly, this is rare as they make a lot of noise and have been so niggly that you don't get much uninterrupted sleep. Oh I am hoping for a good night tonight!!!

Looking forward to: Them passing this colicky phase!! It is so tough having to watch them writhe in pain red faced, screaming and arching their little backs trying to get the sore wind out. Shame man.

Mommy musings:I still sometimes can't believe they are really here. All that kept me going after yet another failed cycle was hope that I would one day be a mother. I knew it was meant to happen. It just took such a long journey and it seems strange somehow to have finally reached the reality of having not one but two beautiful babies. I am so so very grateful that we didn't give up.

40 Weeks today!

2011-11-15T21:13:00.001+02:00

The twins due date is today! They are officially full term.

We got the photographs of our newborn shoot yesterday...here are some of my favourites...beyond beautiful memories to keep forever...our precious babies.

2 Months today!

2011-11-13T12:09:00.001+02:00

Sunday morning bliss...

The twins are two months old today give or take a few days...they were born 8 weeks ago!

And yet, they would only have been about three weeks old had they been born on their scheduled caeser date. Their full term date is 17 November (40 weeks), so we will have to celebrate that too. It is quite difficult to know what developmental stage they are supposed to be at, but we are counting them as being newborn and three weeks old.

They are growing so beautifully and doing so well. Finn should weigh about 3.4kg now and Becca about 2.9kg. So they have both put on about 1.5kg since being born! We will have them weighed tomorrow at baby clinic. They are having their first innoculations. Quite controversial amoung most parents I have found (either totally anti or totally pro), but I have to trust our paed who says we must not take any risks as they were prem and an infection at any stage in the first year can be critical for them as their immune systems are not as strong as full term babies.

Apart from some bouts of colic niggles and discomfort from immature digestive tract issues, they are doing great. Finn is more niggly and seems to battle more with this. He has four phases, hungry and screaming, full and happy (brief periods), in a colic attack screaming or asleep. Rebecca also has a lot of discomfort and screeches in pain. It is so hard watching your baby writhing around in agony, crying, red faced, kicking and scratching themselves without being able to do anything to help. You try rub tummies, dance with them, swaddle them, lie with them on chest, but nothing really helps until it passes. I really hope they grow out of this soon so they can become happy chubby bouncy babies!!!

We are going into week four next week...and it is getting easier in some ways. We are not as scared of the newborn unknowns, we are getting to know their different responses and how to react. There are still many occasions when either DH or I will look at each other and ask "What do we do now? They didn't come with a manual!!!" Especially when they are miserable and you don't know if it is from digestive pain or nappy or hunger. You can check the nappy but once this is eliminated, how do you know? You assume not hunger as they had their feed at the right time, but maybe it is a growth spurt? You have to guess and try various things to soothe the babe. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.

Snoozing with dad...

I am going to make an appointment for a baby chiropractor as apparently this can really help with the digestive issues. If it does help, I will be so happy for the babes. So...here we go...into week four. We are looking forward to seeing how these little treasures grow and change and can't wait for the smiles, the recognising grins and grabs and all the new things our babies are going to show us.

From NICU to home...pic memories

2011-11-06T18:15:00.000+02:00

Finally, I have copied all the pics off my phone so here goes a quick memory lane glance of the last 7 weeks...the twins are 7 weeks old today...adjusted age (if basing their birth date on 20th October rather than full term date as 17 November) about 2 weeks old...

Kangaroo care in NICU...

Holding them together for the first time...

Rebecca stretching out in her incubator.

Learning to suck!

Learning to burb

Rebecca's first bath...

Finn's first bath....

1 Month in NICU!

When I got the call to come fetch the babies!

All packed and ready to leave NICU!

At home!

Finn happy to be home!

Rebecca smiling - also happy to be home!

First sleep in their cot in our room!

Puppy baby!

Sleeping in our bed!

Brother and sister - so cute.

Big eyed boy.

Beautiful girl!

Little cuties...

Together in their Ubbababba sling with mum.

First outing to the beach for a walk!

7 Weeks old today!

In their futuristic Mammaroo Pod!


Back 9 months ago to when it all started...wow...

It has been an incredible journey so far. Far harder than I thought it would be but far more perfect than I could ever have imagined. I still look at these babies and can't believe that we have created such perfect little people. Who cares how, they were always supposed to come to us this way. I will treasure every moment, even the bleak hours in the middle of the night. The milky grins and glazed stares are all I need to keep going. And what special times await us...their first smiles, their grasps, chuckles, hugs...we are so blessed to be the parents of these little miracles.

Our beautiful babes...

2011-11-03T21:21:00.001+02:00

I just couldn't wait...I know I have to load so many pics before these, and I still will...but here is a sneak peak of the photographs at their "1 week old" newborn shoot (corrected age as they would have been born 20 October, but actually 6 weeks old or 37 weeks old - all depends how you look at it)...how precious are they?

Wow

2011-10-23T11:16:00.000+02:00

Wow...respect for twin parents!

The days are merging into waking babies, feeding babies, winding babies, cleaning babies, dressing babies, loving babies, and then starting all over again! In the 45 minute intervals, you can try to snooze...hard though as they niggle a LOT and of course you are worried so you check on them all the time, or pop one into a sling or onto your chest - which they love. And you sneak in a snack, a quick shower, a quick google or post if lucky...haven't even got around to downloading pics yet - but am taking loads! So more will be coming soon promise...

Oh dear...Finn is niggling...gotta go....

And feeding time is here again at 12pm...got to make bottles...oh heck...have to express now too...eeeeek what am I going to do when DH goes back to work tomorrow?? Heeeeelp.

Our babies are home!

2011-10-19T11:35:00.002+02:00

The twins weren't quite ready to come home on Friday as they still weren't finishing their bottles and the rule is, they have to finish all their bottles in 24 hours and then they can come home. So we spent the weekend preparing for a possible Monday homecoming instead. And they caught up beautifully! On Monday morning, we got the call...come and fetch your babies!

Rebecca weighs 2.090kg and Finn 2.560kg so they have gained weight beautifully from their birth weights of 1.430kg and 1.940kg. Also, they lost about 300g each in the week after being born so had to catch up that too. I can't believe how well they have done in NICU with only a 4 week stay!

Instant butterflies in my tummy eeeek! Finally after so very long, we would be welcoming our two precious little miracles into our home where they belong. It was incredibly nerve wracking fetching them and driving them home in their snug car seats looking so adorable. They were hungry as we were just over feed time so the first thing we did when we got home was to start the feeding session.

Wow...we soon realised how daunting having two babies will be on a 3 hour cycle! On the hour, every 3 hours, we have to have everything sterilised, prepare the bottles, add whatever meds or vitamins needed, warm them, wake the babies, change the babies, get into feeding mode with burb cloth, feed the babies, wind the babies during and after the feed, let the babies settle, swaddle the babies, put the babies back to sleep. If all runs smoothly this takes an hour to an hour and a half.

Then I still have to fetch all expressing stuff and express milk for upcoming feeds. Then we have to wash all bottles, lable and store milk, re-wash used bottles and sterilise them etc. Then of course there are the niggles - checking on the babies and making sure all okay and comfy. So all in all, we get an hour or so every 3 hours. But try snooze next to them - not easy as they niggle and moan and cry every now and then so of course you are up in a shot to check on them. And this is every 3 hours, 8 times a day - 6am, 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm, 12am, 3am!!!!!! Because they are prem, they have to be fed every 3 hours so even if they are not awake, you have to wake them. They sleep, eat. wee, poo, have windy grins, burb, sleep, gurgle, niggle and eat again.

This all sounds hectic and it is....but....how incredible beautiful and cute and gorgeous are these little treasures! Having them with us is unbelievable. It is pure love. I am under no illusion that we will take serious strain in the upcoming weeks and months, but every moment is as it should be. I will treasure every second.

We have waited so long for this...and we will sleep again one day! I stockpiled enough sleep during 12 years of infertility!

Will add pics soon soon - just have to download from camera!

Home coming...

2011-10-11T20:34:00.001+02:00

It is very possible that the twins may be coming home on Friday!!!

Or Saturday or Monday - depending on how quickly they master the art of completing full bottle feeds without needing to be topped up by tube. SO exciting and SO scary at the same time! Up until now, while all I have wanted is to be with them...in a strange way, I have become used to them being in the NICU knowing that they are being so well cared for.

Soon, they will become 100% our responsibility. No support from well-trained neonatal sisters. No one to whip them away for a feed, a change or to sort out a wind. This will become our new life. I had a mild panic attack today trying to work out how the hell I was going to keep expressing and then also bottle feeding, changing and winding two babies every 3 hours? When will I ever sleep? Eeeeeek!

Their sucking reflex is getting stronger but they are no way ready to solely breastfeed so will need most of their feeds by bottle until they get stronger and realise that they need to work a little harder to actually get milk flowing from the boob. I introduced Rebecca to the boob for the first time today and she latched on only to promptly fall asleep. Finn is slightly better - he has actually got down 10ml of breast milk by sucking, but today decided it was far too hard so also went to sleep...oh dear...lazy suckers! I am sure with time they will get the hang of it. In the meantime though, poor mum is going to be busy trying to figure this whole feeding thing out...

It is more than a little daunting!

Tomorrow they have their eye tests and hearing tests. If we are given the go ahead for discharge on Friday then I will room in overnight on Thursday to get the hang of things with a little night support. Our CPR lesson is on Friday morning...and then...we may be loading up two babies and starting our lives as parents. This is a huge and incredibly momentous thought.

I had their natal chart done by my astrologist and they have the most beautiful charts with some incredible aspects and amazing connections to us as parents....I am so overjoyed that they already seem to be so blessed with such an incredible beginning to their lives and am so excited at their potential.

It is going to be the most remarkable journey now to observe as they grow and develop into their own little people...what a blessing for us to be part of this miracle.

Finn and Rebecca - about a week ago...

34 Weeks old today!

2011-10-06T19:58:00.002+02:00

Today the twins are 34 weeks old!!! They would have been born in 2 weeks time. Instead they have been in the world for 3 weeks on Sunday and are doing their growing in NICU. I have been so bad at blogging their NICU story...but do not give up on me...I will be loading a photo journal of their journey soon and tell the story as best as I can.

In summary, they are both doing so very well. Finn weighs 2.1kg already and is in an open cot, wearing his own clothes. I gave him his second bath yesterday. He is being nose tube fed and his next hurdle is mastering the suck, swallow, breathe skill - they start with bottle feeding soon and then I introduce him to breastfeeding! He sucks on my finger quite well already, but this ability only kicks in at 34-35 weeks...Once he has mastered this, he can go home! Rebecca needs to grow some more as she weighs about 1.7kg now. She is a smaller baby, but at the same developmental age as Finn, so while she is a little behind with feeding, she also has to master the feeding skill better and put on at least 300g before she can also go home. They are both on breastmilk with a little top-up of formula if I don't make enough. We are hoping that they get to go home at the same time. They are beyond precious and I cry every time I think of how special they both are.

Life in NICU has been interesting and emotional and scary and incredible all in one. I have not been myself and it has taken me quite some time to recuperate. The physical toil has been quite extreme and I think I have under-estimated the impact the birth has had on me. I have been so very very tired with extremely low energy. My muscle tone from lying in hospital for almost 4 weeks is poor. Having lost 32kg in 2 weeks has really been a shock for my system I think. My blood pressure which is only stabilising now has also contributed to poor energy levels. My body has been sore, my mind exhausted and I really have not had the energy to blog as I should have been.

I have been expressing every two and a half hours as they are drinking all I produce so I live from express to express. I have had to drop the 2am expressing though as it was killing me! So I express all day long from 5am to 11pm. I have also been getting up at 5am to catch a lift with DH to the hospital and then getting back late afternoon, so this has been exhausting....I usually run around like superwoman, so it has been a strange experience for me having to admit this...

There has been so much to say. I am completely in awe of this miracle and the fact that I am a mother and have two babies.A mother...with two beautiful perfect babes...and a very special DH who has just blown me away with his remarkable strength and love. What a blessing I have been given. My heart has swelled with so much love for these 3 special people in my life - I didn't know it could ever feel like this. Words are simply not enough.

Finn and Rebecca have arrived...

2011-09-24T20:29:00.010+02:00

Our birth story…

Well…they didn’t stick to the plan and our precious little miracles chose their own time to arrive into our lives…

The last belly shot taken in hospital before the twins arrived.

On Sunday, I woke up with a bad headache after a really awful night with little sleep. I felt as if I was literally drowning in fluid. My sinuses were swollen, I was struggling to breathe properly and I couldn’t believe that my body could swell any more than it was already. I had put on about 18kg just in the 3 weeks in hospital - all fluid! My thighs were stretched beyond belief. I couldn’t cross my legs or even sit on the loo properly. Walking was difficult and I could barely fit into a wheelchair. I remember lying in bed during the night crying, thinking to myself that my body couldn’t do this anymore. My Dr called me into her practice rooms which are just down the passage from the maternity ward to do a scan to double check our little girl’s doppler and their weights before the planned caeser on Monday. I could barely climb onto the table. The scan showed that her doppler had actually improved a bit! Their estimated weights were 2kg and 1.6kg. So we were all set for our big day…or so we thought.

By mid-morning, my headache had become so bad I could barely think straight. I tried taking Panados, putting ice against my forehead, lying with a cloth over my eyes. It just got worse and worse. The Sister in charge called my Dr who asked them to take into the labour ward and a quiet dark room to rest. She came in to see me, checked my blood test results and looked at my BP which was about 160/106 at that time. She said to just keep quiet and rest and we would go ahead as planned on Monday morning. By 2pm, I had not improved and my BP had continued to rise. It was around 180/115. At 14h30, the Sister came in and told me that my Dr had called to say we were doing an emergency caeser straight away at 3pm. They had already called my DH and he was on his way.

I was immediately put onto a line and a drip and a nurse shaved me dry!!! No baby powder even! We couldn’t use the theatre we had planned to next to NICU as there was a leak – so next thing I knew I was being wheeled at great haste off to the main surgical theatre floor. Alongside me were the neonatal sisters with the incubator that would carry our babies back down to NICU immediately after the birth. It was such a surreal experience. The theatres were all empty, as no planned surgeries are done on a Sunday. It was eerily quiet. We were met at the entrance by the scrub sister and then I was in pre-op while the Dr’s and DH got into scrubs. The anaesthetist arrived and explained to me that the spinal block may be tricky due to all my swelling and fluid on my back. He said I may have to be put out completely and I asked him please to make sure he got it right as I really wanted to be awake to see my babies being born. I was quite calm at this point, but extremely anxious at the same time. I moved onto the delivery table and bent over to begin the spinal block. It was incredibly scary and painful as the Dr tried to get the local anaesthetic into my spine first. I could feel the needle hitting bone. After about 5 attempts, he finally slid the proper needle into place and the spinal block was done. I lay down until it took effect.

My Dr started cutting and discovered that I had masses of scar tissue from the previous laporotomy after my ruptured ectopic. She explained that there are pristine uteruses and then there are some that are not…I was the latter, but a really tricky case as she battled to cut through all the layers of scar tissue. This took quite some time. Then one of my muscles started bleeding, which is also unusual. She had to put in a drain for the muscle. Finally she reached the uterus and the next thing I knew after feeling much tugging and pulling, our little girl was pulled out head and arms first as if she has been waiting all along to make her big arrival. Rebecca was born at 16h06, crying with a lusty yell and a red face. My Dr showed her to me and I was in floods of tears. I couldn’t believe that this tiny precious little human being had been growing in my womb for 31 weeks and 3 days. She was whisked off by the paediatrician and the neonatal sisters. Then, our little boy was pushed down reluctantly. He stuck a leg out as if to say, I am not ready to come out thanks. But he was pulled out by the legs and also arrived yelling. Finn followed his sister one minute later at 16h07. I recognised him immediately as he was shown to me. It was too much to process and I remember turning my head towards the table where they were being worked on desperate for another glance. They were wrapped up and brought to me again and I got to kiss each one on their heads, before they were wheeled away straight to the NICU.

Rebecca's arrival into the world...

Seeing her for the first time...

Finn legs first...

Finn arrives a minute later...

Seeing him for the first time. I recognised him from the 4D scan!

The NICU team working on the babies...

Kissing Rebecca on her head...also kissed Finn but no pic...

Then I started struggling to breathe and my heart started beating incredibly fast. My BP shot up and I was put onto oxygen. It took another 30 minutes or so to stitch me up and then I was wheeled to recovery. I started shaking quite badly. I remember thanking the anaesthetist, who replied saying he really thought it was touch and go at one point and was now so stressed he was off to have a large drink…..great! My BP was still extremely high so I was wheeled down to high care in the labour ward. It got worse. And worse. I was not really completely conscious at this point so I only remember some of what happened. But by 8pm or so, I think my BP had shot up to 225/125, which is apparently really extreme.

I recall glimpses of my Dr sitting on one chair monitoring me and my DH on another just watching me. I was shaking and slipping in and out of consciousness. I remember my Dr saying, we are taking her to ICU now. Then we were off, all action stations when we got there. I remember the anaesthetist arriving again to put in an A-line (a line straight into my artery to monitor BP directly and constantly). I was hooked up to a full monitor system and two more lines were put into my arms for other drips. I was also put onto magnesium sulphate to prevent seizures. By this time I was completely zoned on pethadine and the effect of the mag sulph drip which apparently has horrendous side effects. I had a self administering pump, but I was too out of it to use it so the ICU sisters kept pushing it for me. Then I was out.

I spent 3 nights in ICU. The hospital kidney ICU physician became my primary Dr during this time as he handles any GPH cases. Essentially pre-eclampsia is a disease of the kidneys primarily and mine was pretty bad apparently. I had critical levels of protein in my body, hence the oedema and blood pressure complications. The disease is a response to the placenta and becomes life threatening. My Dr had been monitoring me so closely to allow me as long as possible to nurture our babies, but the critical point had arrived and she made the decision not to wait a minute longer – so she had made the call to do an emergency caeser. It was the right call, as I cut it really fine apparently. I was in reality, really really sick even though my blood results did not indicate organ failure yet…we were close. Both Drs now tell me that I was one of the worse cases they have seen in a while. The ICU staff also said that they hadn’t seen a maternity case in so long.

Day three in ICU...

Finn in the beginning, in NICU...

Rebecca in NICU...

Finn with his incubator mascot...

Rebecca with hers...

ICU is another ball game completely. I felt like I was in a real life episode of Grey’s Anatomy. It was really impressive though seeing the skill of the ICU staff – a seriously slick operation. It was so humbling being completely helpless and essentially strapped down to monitors, unable to do anything for myself. They had to do everything including washing me, helping me to eat, move…It was incredibly frustrating too and I had many hours of weeping to myself as I couldn’t see my babies. I couldn’t do anything for myself. It was really hard. I was losing about 8 litres of fluid a day via the catheter - can you imagine if I hadn't been on one how hectic it would have been getting to the loo every 15 minutes! On the Tuesday, I begged the Dr to let me go down to see my babies. He agreed. We strapped the catheter to the wheel chair and they unplugged all the monitors and DH wheeled me down to NICU to meet Rebecca and Finn face to face again. I will never forget this moment. I could just see them from the wheelchair, and was so overtaken by emotion that all I could do was weep. They are beyond the most precious things I have ever ever seen in all my life. There they were. Real little (and I mean so very very small) live, perfect, complete babies. They were here. Our little miracles had finally arrived and how absolutely perfect they are.

Rebecca was born weighing just 1.430g and Finn 1.940g. She did not even need oxygen at all and her agpar was 8/10 and 9/10. I believe she was clearly ready to be born and knew to put her energy into developing her lungs. She is small but feisty already. Finn was a little more reluctant, putting his energy into growing instead of developing his lungs, so while he weighs more, he needed some help with breathing and was on a c-pap for a while and then just a nose-tube. His agpar was 8/10 and 8/10. So impressive for prem babies! They are doing so well, and both are off oxygen already. They are getting the hang of oral feeding and their digestive systems are getting stronger. Their umbilical lines have also been removed and this means we can start kangaroo care sessions with our babies…can’t wait.

I got back to the maternity ward on Wednesday evening and now am just a walk down the passage from NICU. I get to visit them whenever I want to. I am expressing milk every 3 hours during the day, but until my BP stabilises we cannot use the milk due to the meds I am on. This has made me really sad, but I am hopeful that I get taken off the nasty BP drugs soon so we can start feeding them my breast milk. Then the next step is to move to kangaroo care and breastfeeding, when their suck reflex kicks in at about 34 weeks or so. Today they are 5 days old or 32 weeks and 1 day. We are praying that their stay in NICU is only another 3 or 4 weeks tops, so we may get to take them home at 36 / 37 weeks, which is when they would have been born.

Holding our babies for the first time...

I cannot put into words what the babies do to my heart.

It simply takes my breath away every time I look at them.

When I see how my DH looks at our babies, I can hardly contain the emotion I feel.

It has changed my life irrevocably and forever.

Finn's foot.

Rebecca's hand.

31 Weeks and my last 4 days...

2011-09-15T12:38:00.002+02:00

How far along? We have reached the incredible 31 week mark today!!! And we won't be going very much further. In 4 days time, we will be welcoming our miracles into our lives at last.

Symptoms? Severe pre-eclampsia with protein count sitting dangerously over 6. 5 Is considered cut-off point. Hypertension being treated with meds. Severe lymphoedema. Headaches. Unbelieveable water retention - legs, feet, thighs, butt, face, hands. My belly is measuring 39cm from top to bottom - equivalent of a full term pregnancy. I can't bend over or cross my legs. My knees are filled with water so if I kneel it feels like a gel pad. Have to wear special support stocking to prevent DVT. Can't sleep lying down as my sinuses are swollen so I make the strangest whistling noises keeping me awake and I also cannot breathe properly due to diminished lung capacity and fluid. Gosh...I sound like a moaner, but I realise now how serious pre-eclampsia really is...not a walk in the park! Let alone a twin pregnancy!!! All worth it though. I may need to stay in for longer than the normal 3 nights after the caeser however to stabilise my blood pressure etc.

Stretch marks? No new ones...using tissue oil morning and night. Existing stretch marks look more stretched but haven't started getting longer...

Weight gain? I have put on about 10kg now of water retention and my weight has increased by 13kg since I was admitted to hospital. The good news is that it is completely reversible and I will lose up to 15kg immediately.

Sleep? Despite the hectic issues...I am still managing about 6 hours during the night and day combined - good training for when the babbas come home!!!

Movement? Still love feeling them so much. I am going to miss having them inside me so so very much and I am trying to embrace and enjoy the last 4 days of being pregnant.

Best moment this week? Banking almost 3 weeks of time keeping our twins inside me in their cozy little nest so they can grow grow grow!!!

Food cravings? Can't really eat very much at all....no real cravings....

What I am looking forward to? To seeing our babes faces at last. To seeing them hold my liitle finger. To looking into their eyes. To finally having these two precious miracles a reality...my heart can almost not handle the love I already feel for them.

Milestones? The precious time we have gained. Both Obgyns really thought I wouldn't make the week...and I made almost 3!!!

Emotions? A mixture of sadness that I won't experience my last 4 weeks of pregnancy. Relief that we will have reached 31 weeks and 4 days. Excitement at knowing we will meet our babies in 4 days time.

General... I met our paediatrician, Dr W today. He is so awesome and seems quite chilled and pleased about the twin's weights. He said we will only know more once we evaluate them after being born, but if just the basics, he would say we could even be looking ahead to about a 4-5 weeks NICU stay!!! The quicker they can suck, breathe, self regulate and do all together...and get over 2kg, the faster they get to come home! He also said the smaller twin sometimes progresses faster as they are more stressed and reactive. How amazing it would be to have them home in 4 weeks! That is something to look so forward to. All in all, I am so blessed to have had this time to prepare properly. I am at peace.

Monday is the day!

2011-09-14T12:15:00.002+02:00

I was in a snoozy catch up sleep this morning when my Dr arrived at my bedside and said to me..."You had better knit faster". WHAT??? Yes, my protein has doubled since the last reading, so she has decided the babies need to come out latest Monday. So the theatre is booked, the stage is set, the date is up in the NICU unit...we will be welcoming our twins to the world on Monday 19th September...little Virgo Rabbits, fair of face! We are still waiting for blood test results on Friday, and if there is any reason for Dr to be worried about my liver or kidney function, it could possibly be earlier. But for now...Monday it is. Wow.

I wish I could have kept them inside to grow some more, but I am so very chuffed that we have bought almost 3 extra weeks. They will be 31 weeks and 4 days old - only 3 days short of 32 weeks, which is a long way from barely 29 weeks. I would have been in hospital for a total of 16 days before delivering them. We are so lucky to have received such amazing care. The paediatrition will be coming around to chat to me sometime - need to start thinking about a list of questions...not that I even want to think about any complications - these babies must be strong and fight to grow well..the sooner they get to 2 kg, can suck, breathe and self thermo-regulate, the sooner they can come home.Our little boy is already 2kg which is great and our little girl is about 1.4kg. Keeping in mind they lose about 20% of their weight just after they are born, they will both need time in NICU. Every baby is diffrerent, but I am hoping their stays are not too long. This means I will be a real NICU mommy - here every day for the next 4 weeks at least until my caeser heals. It is also possible that one baby comes home before the other...we will see.

I will also be getting another course of steroids to help them develop their lungs even more. I might also book another antenatal massage...last one for a while I am sure. On the one hand I am so sad to be saying goodbye to my belly and to feeling them move inside me, but on the other, I can't wait to see their little faces and look into their eyes and welcome them...We have been waiting so very long for this day, it is hard to believe it is really happening now....

Day 11...

2011-09-13T16:02:00.000+02:00

So it has been 11 days today...and only 2 more sleeps until I reach 31 weeks! I had the most hectic scare this morning as really uncomfortable cramps started during the night. Not hard-core sore, but definitely enough to be noticed. I was worried they were contractions so I was measured in the morning CTG. They were contractions, but just pumped up Braxton Hicks fortunately! For a moment there, I thought my Dr was going to say...this is the day! On the one hand I was quite enthralled with the idea that possibly my body had decided itself to start labour - love this idea as I believe it would prepare the babies more than going coldly into a caeserean. But no...not time just yet. And I am SO okay with that!

Days merge in this place...and can pass so fast even though one hasn't actually done anything at all. It has been such a blessing to be roomed with such a great ward roomie as we laugh from the time we wake up to the time we go to sleep. There are so many stories I could relate with hilarity, but my posts would be so long! Needless to say, there is a huge disparity between the skill and fabulousness of ward sisters, and the support nurses, who barely know what they are doing. These nurses cause us great mirth and frustration, but you have to keep your sense of humour!

I am about to go for a scan now to measure our little girl's doppler and blood flow to her placenta. I did a repeat 24 hour urine protein test (last one had jumped from .9 to 3), so I am very curious to see what has happened - results will only be in tomorrow. So far, blood tests have not shown up any liver or kidney issues...everything has to be monitored until the picture says, it is time to deliver the babies. But 11 days saved inside their snug cosy home has bought us 33 days less in neonatal NICU! I am also hoping to see how much they have grown this past week - will post tomorrow again once all results are in. I wonder if tomorrow will be the day my Dr pinpoints a date for delivery, or if we carry on day by day until next week. I would be so relieved to make it to 32 weeks!!!!

We have everything bought for a prem delivery - prem nappies, earbuds, vaseline, cotton wool, and all the stuff I will need post caeser. I was so thrilled when DH called me to say that the Dutch shop with the fabulous baby baby bag called to say we could have it! Yay! Isn't it fab? I am also knitting a pram blanket in the same colours...keeping my hands busy and my mind doesn't need to think too much!

Scenes from ward Magnolia

2011-09-09T14:39:00.002+02:00

Here are some really flattering pics of me from my hospital bed...

Some lovely fat swankles and leets...

WWE Strapdown - hooked up to the CTG checking on the babes...

The CTG machine...

Day 5 in hospital...

30 Weeks WOOOHOOOO!

2011-09-08T12:03:00.000+02:00

How far along? 30 weeks! Such a better number than 29 - especially in light of the fact that I am buying time right now...here's to 31!!!

Symptoms? Well...it is day 6 in hospital...my diagnosis - severe pre-eclampsia. High blood pressure, kidneys are leaking protein, severe swelling in legs and feet, headaches, visual disturbances - all lead me to being admitted. I am waiting for my 2nd 24 hour protein test which will tell us how much worse my protein results have gotten in 5 days. As my Dr says, we are in the game now of buying time. We are also needing to constantly monitor the babies to make sure our little girl does not go into distress...so it depends on what happens first. But things can happen fast so we are all on stand-by.

Stretch marks? None yet...using tissue oil morning and night.

Weight gain? I have put on about 7 kg of water retention - all sitting in my legs and feet...not pleasant. They feel like stuffed sausages - if you pricked one, it feels like it would pop!

Sleep? Well...for anyone who has spent time in a hospital, you would know that sleep is a challenge lol. But my ward-mate and I have it pretty waxed so not too bad. Now that my hypertension meds are starting to work, I am not drowning in fluid every night - it also helps that I sleep upright more so the fluids can drain downwards rather than into my head.

Movement? Quite a bit of movement, but smaller moves as I think they are starting to run out of space a bit. They let me know they are there though which is comforting. I don't like it when they are too quiet, although if it is because they are growing then I am so fine with that!

Best moment this week? Getting to 30 weeks in the hospital and not having to deliver the babes yet!!! Having the BP meds work has helped me pass a lot of retained water so I am much more comfortable and less swollen in my face. My feet and legs are still really bad, but at least this will go away as soon as I deliver. I will post some pics of me in the hospital soon...

Food cravings? Well...hospital food is a bit bland and non, but at least there is a Wiesenhof Cafe downstairs so DH can bring me the odd treat which is nice. Of course thank goodness for Woolies!

What I am looking forward to? Another week in hospital!!! Can you believe I am saying that? But every week in hospital is 3 weeks out of NICU! I am praying that I can be a medical miracle and get to 34 weeks but my Dr thinks I am delusional...She told me that a week or at best 2 would be pushing it. I won't give up though - I mean miracles happen all the time!! Maybe I will be the first woman in history to beat pre-eclampsia?

Milestones? 30 Weeks!!!

Emotions? It was terrifying almost being rushed in for an emergency caeser at 29 weeks. These babes are so very very little (1.650 kg and 1.2kg or so according to Dr's scan) - I just want them to stay in for as long as possible... I can't wait to meet them, but I can wait 4 weeks!

General...It has been a hell of a week...having to adjust my thinking to a new version of how these twins are coming into the world. I am working through the phases but regress now and then back to anger - feeling a little cheated that I won't get to see my fully grown belly, that I won't have my babies in my room with me and won't be able to take them home with me when I go. There are fully baked twins in the nursery here, and they are so perfect but twice what mine weigh right now and even then they are so very small. It has been amazing to be opposite the nursery and NICU as we keep looking at all the new and prem babies...making it easier to come to terms with just how small they are going to be. I am so holding thumbs that I can buy at least another week...but two would be just perfect....4 a miracle.

The naughty mommies ward

2011-09-06T13:20:00.001+02:00

Well here I am. It is day 4 in hospital. I am sharing the ward with a woman who happens to be at our same dog training classes also with ridgebacks, also at 29 weeks pregnant and biding time with ruptured membranes...so we are pretty much in the same boat. How bizarre is that? It is great as we can share notes and support each other through a similiar experience. She is a Dr, and really fab! And as a bonus, she can explain medical things to me!

Yesterday was a hard day...I was almost taken in for an emergency caeser! The day started with the expectation that I could possibly be sent home on bedrest, to finding out that my protein test was 3 times higher than it should be, to a poor non-stress test result for our little girl, to being told not to eat anything more as I could be taken in that morning!!! It was a huge shock to me, realising that this is exactly how fast things happen. I was extremely emotional and cried most of the day as I got to terms with adjusting my whole outlook on how this is going to play out. I truly believed that I would go home, chill with my feet up and make it to 34 weeks. But the universe has other plans, as it often does.

Pre-eclampsia is a placental disease and my body is effectively reacting to our girl's placental function, causing my high blood pressure and therefore my kidneys to leak protein. If left untreated, I would effectively develop full blown eclampsia and my liver and kidneys would fail and I would have seizures and a stroke...Her blood flow is not perfect, but the Dr says she has enough capacity for about another weeks growth, so at the moment it seems as if it is a waiting game to see who goes into distress first. She reckons we may have a week, but thinks I will give in before the baby. So everyday is a blessing - one day on the womb is worth 3 days in neonatal NICU.

It seems destiny that we are to have prem babies and a long road of at least 7-8 weeks on NICU, spending as much time with them as possible and hoping for no complications. There are a pair of twins in the unit now who were born at 28 weeks weighing only 650g or so and 1kg, and they are both doing really well. But there will be ups and downs. I really didn't believe this is how these babes would arrive, but I am slowly preparing myself for the inevitability.

The hospital is our world for now...and will be for the next couple of months....next milestone...30 weeks on Thursday....praying we get to 31 weeks next Thursday.....

My ward-mate and I have named our room... the naughty mommies ward!!

29 Weeks, Hospital and Pre-eclampsia!

2011-09-03T12:54:00.000+02:00

Well I didn't get around to doing my 29 week update...it was a hectic day and I was treated to a wonderful baby shower at work by my wonderful team and colleagues. Wow, the twins were so spoilt with some amazing gifts - so so special. I fully intended to do my update yesterday...but...

Was so swollen when I woke up and had a splitting headache again and white spots in front of my vision...so I suspected this was not good. Asked DH to take a BP reading and it was 154/101, a tad high and not to be ignored. DH suggested I stay at home with my feet up, but no...I went to work. I emailed my Dr telling her about the symptoms and BP reading and she replied saying to go have a protein urine test straight away. So I popped down to the Dischem to see the sister there. And there it was...pissing protein in my urine - +2 instantly...not good...so I called Dr H and she told me to please get to the hospital immediately to be admitted as it was clearly pre-eclampsia symptoms. NO!

I got back to my office in a state, trying to sort a few things out while trying not to cry uncontrollably. I got to the hospital and was taken straight to the labour ward! The labour ward!!!! I was put onto an NST monitor immediately to take the babies stress readings. And my BP was measured again - still high. Blood was taken to check for my liver and kidney function as this is the biggest risk to me - due to the high BP, your kidney starts leaking protein. The babies can also be affected as blood flow through their placenta's can be compromised. So with serious pre-eclampsia, it is a waiting game to see who gets worse first. My BP can be treated with meds and potential seizures with magnesium sulfate etc, but if me or the babies goes into distress, they come out immediately.

My Dr told me that in her experience this doesn't get better, only worse, but that they try to stave off labour for as long as possible. She also said that if we needed to deliver this weekend, she would come in to do it. I had my first steroid shot of 2 - another one today just in case to help develop the babies lungs. Dr H also said that she didn't think we would make 3 or 4 weeks which would be best case scenario...but to take one day at a time...

I was quite calm...perhaps in shock....perhaps in denial....thought I was okay until I was admitted to my ward when I promptly dissolved into tears. It was a lot to take in...the prospect of delivering our precious babies so small with a 10 week at least stay in NICU - so not what I wanted for them or us.

Had a terrible night of poor sleep as I woke up at 2am and then couldn't get back to sleep - processing the information, the possibilities, work planning, lists, and other tangents of rambled thoughts...eventually I nodded off at about 4h30 only to be rudely awoken again at 5am for tea.

What is amazing is that I am sharing a room with another 29 week mommy to be, who is actually in our dog training class, also with a ridgeback! Her membrane has ruptured and she has been on watch for the past 10 days. She almost had a caeser yesterday but her white blood cell count dropped so it was cancelled - such a relief for her! Her biggest risk now is infection, so she is also hoping for a few weeks more before they have to deliver her little girl. But at least we are in the same boat and both 29 weeks pregnant so we can share this scary time.

My Dr called me this morning to say she was happy that my BP was stable, even if a little high. My blood tests had come back and my liver and kidney function is fine. The babies non-stress tests are doing fine - they are not in distress. So all very positive. She even said that maybe just maybe I could transfer to strict home bedrest if I carry on like this. YAH!!!!!! So I am just focusing on this fulltime now - I so would love to be home. It will be a little chaotic though as I would need to come to hospital for blood tests, NST tests and to see her three times a week - she warned me that this route would be costly as currently everything is being covered by med aid.

But I think it will be worth it, just to be home. I wouldn't be able to drive myself so DH would need to do that - could be tricky, but even if for next 4 weeks I think it will be worth it. But she said let's not jump ahead, we would discuss this on Monday. We also have to wait for the 24 hour urine protein test which we would only get sometime next week - this will give a better picture of the whole story. The on-call Dr, explained to me that it could possible be gestational hypertension with a little protein leak rather than full blown pre-eclampsia. Oh how I hope he is right.

So for now...here I am in my hospital bed...bed-resting...and talking to my babies and my body and asking them to work together so they can stay in for at least another 4 weeks!

FA Scan #4

2011-08-30T15:15:00.003+02:00

Just went for our fourth (and hopefully last) fetal assessment scan to check on our little girl's growth in more detail. Her head circumference and femur both measure completely normal for 28 weeks, but her belly is still slim measuring at 27 weeks. She weighs about 1111g. The sonographer checked her brain blood flow and vein flow in the liver which, if flowing too much could indicate a problem with blood flow to her body, however both these were completely normal. Even though her belly width is smaller, it still falls into the acceptable percentile for her age, so nothing to worry about. She is on track with all measurements, just on the slim side.

Our little boy on the other hand is ginormous! His head and femur is measuring at 30 weeks already and his belly is just below the maximum percentile also for 30 weeks. So he is getting enough to eat for sure! He weighs 1576g or so. The sonographer said if he wasn't sharing the space with a small sister, she would suspect that I had gestational diabetes, but this is not the case as she is not measuring big as well. So he is going to be a big boy! She also pointed out that he has quite a head of hair already - you could actually see the hair on the scan. She explained that sometimes with twins, one placenta can be more efficient than the other one drawing more nutrition, so this is possible.

They were lying in very strange positions. She has her head against my cervix with her bum upwards to my RHS, draped over him now as he is lying towards the back with his head in the middle. It is so hard to picture their exact positions as she explains it, but they were moving about constantly, so I am sure this changes often. Their fluid levels were both fine - I think she said about 4 and anything from a 2 to a 8 is perfect.

My cervix is looking great - up to 32-34mm and closed, so all perfect! Next Obgyn appointment with Dr H is in two weeks time when I will be 31 weeks - can't wait to see how they have grown by then. Depending on how I feel, I will chat to her about my oedema and booking me off maybe a week earlier.

Am so happy the babes are doing okay! Yah!

Booties and belly

2011-08-29T10:15:00.000+02:00

DH is Dutch and we found this adorable kids shop with loads of fab stuff imported from Holland...had to get the babes something Dutch and we couldn't resist these little booties and toy mice for the twins...so so cute! They also have a really gorgeous baby bag on display only to see if they will be importing the range, and my DH is trying to convince them to sell it to us...

And here is my latest belly pic - 28 weeks and 3 days...

We are going for another fetal assessment scan tomorrow to check our little girl's growth. Then it is my work baby shower on Spring Day 1st September and my belly shoot on Saturday! What an exciting week...

Twins at 28 weeks...

2011-08-25T15:38:00.000+02:00

Heres some info about how twins are developing at 28 weeks...so amazing...

At 28 weeks your twins will each have grown to about 38cm from top to toe and will weigh a little more than 1kg each. Their eyes open and close, they sleep and wake at regular intervals and they may suck a finger or thumb.

Your twins' brain growth is very rapid this month. The characteristic grooves on the brain's surface start to appear and more brain tissue develops. Nearly all fetuses react to sound by the end of the seventh month.

At about this time, your twins can open their eyes and turn their heads in utero if they notice a continuous, bright light shining from the outside. Their fat layers are forming. In boys, testicles descend from near the kidneys through the groin en route to the scrotum. In girls, the clitoris is relatively prominent because it's not yet covered by the still-small labia. These will grow to cover it in the last few weeks before birth.

Their skeletons are hardening even more. While your twins may soon slow down growing in length, they will continue to gain weight until they are born.

A pint and a half/around a litre of amniotic fluid now surrounds each of your twins, but that volume decreases as they get bigger and have less room in your uterus.

28 Weeks!

2011-08-25T12:23:00.000+02:00

How far along? 28 weeks!

Symptoms? Serious bouts of rib pain - not sure if it is babies pushing up into my ribs or if just caused by general expansion of my uterus which is also sore and sensitive on and off. Measured my belly from bottom to top and it is 34cm (equal to 34 weeks pregnant). I am amazed how some people comment that I am so small - maybe I look like I am carrying small as I am so tall and seem to have so much space? Have a bit of hip pain now and then. My feet and legs are very swollen...every day now. I have leets (legs and feet in one) - forget about cankles! I sit with my legs raised every evening, and helps a bit but they stay swollen. Am keeping an eye on my BP. Heartburn aaaaaaaargh all the time on and off.

Stretch marks? None yet...using tissue oil morning and night.

Weight gain? 18kg!!!! Scary as I still have 8 weeks to go...

Sleep? Sleeping well even with night loo trips and crazy dreams. Getting more uncomfy but okay.

Movement? Some days lots, other days less...but I feel movement every day on and off. More rolling and moving than kicks and jabs.

Best moment this week? Getting to 28 weeks - one week at a time and every week I feel stronger. Seeing hiccups flicking on my belly for the first and only time so far! SO cute. Seeing colostrum oozing out of my nipples. Recording the babes heartbeats so I can use on the dvd I will edit with all their scans and birth and baby pics and video.

Food cravings? I am sure I would have more food cravings if I didn't have to deal with constant acid in my throat.

What I am looking forward to? 30 Weeks and then I will truly relax and welcome the mounting excitement and joy at meeting our babies soon...but babes - please stay in until at least 35 weeks...kay? I have my belly shoot next Saturday - what to wear hum? Will have to hide my giant feet lol!

Milestones? 28 weeks is a HUGE milestone as I wanted everything to be ready by now. It isn't quite but I have my work baby shower next Thursday, so will only do final shop after that...so new date to be totally organised is 30 weeks!

Emotions? Getting stronger every day. Am a bit worried about our girl's growth and praying she will be on track at the FAS next Tuesday...but believing all will be well.

General... Busy busy at work preparing all so I can go on maternity leave end September...or maybe even a week earlier - will see how things go. Got lots of projects at home to do before babes arrive but somehow I don't feel like it - all I want to do on the weekends is loll about and read! Maybe the nesting instinct will kick in big time giving me extra energy to clear through some stuff. Otherwise all is great!

3rd Trimester fun!

2011-08-22T13:35:00.002+02:00

I had a wonderful baby shower weekend with most of the special women in our family and I felt truly blessed to have them all share this incredible journey with me and to see me pregnant! The twins have received some very special presents and so much attention already and they are not even here yet! I can't wait to introduce them to everyone. 9 Weeks to go....what an incredible thought...In 2 months or less, I will be a mum.

So, it seems as if 3rd trimester symptoms hit me with a bang this weekend! It all started on Saturday...I woke up with HUGE swollen feet and cankles. my legs, hands, face and arms are also retaining some water. Am finding it difficult to fit into any of my shoes - even CROCS (yes...) are tight! I already have big feet at 8 and 1/2 so finding a size up will be tricky. May have to buy men's takkies in a size 9!!!! Eeeek.

I have been feeling much larger in the last few days as well and the babes are moving around quite a bit. It appears as if our boy has lodged himself under my ribs with his bum or head pushing against my bones much to my discomfort. This morning, when I woke up, a body part (I am sure his bum) was pushing right out to the one side - hilarious! Our girl has taken to dancing along the bottom of my womb, tapping my bladder which makes me want to dash to the loo only to find I don't need it lol! I think space is becoming tighter...the next 9 weeks are going to be real interesting...

And then, I felt hiccups for the first time on Saturday while lying in the sun!! It was amazing! My belly starting flicking to the hic hic hics - lasted a few minutes. So adorable.

And then the craziest thing if all...I was doing my boob check in the shower and massaging, checking for lumps etc, and colustrum came out of my nipples!!!! How freaky. My body is preparing for milk production! It is really doing what it is supposed to do? I was so excited that I shrieked!

So, I can say the 3rd trimester appears to have started right on cue...and I am loving every minute of it, even if it is going to be the most uncomfortable experience of my life physically for the next 9 weeks...all for my babes xxx

Obgyn update...

2011-08-19T10:25:00.002+02:00

Just got back from my 27 week Obgyn appointment.... According to her scan measurements, my Dr is a little concerned about our girl's belly measurement. Her head and femur is measuring as it should, but her belly looks a little small and is measuring behind at about 25-26 weeks. Her doppler results are fine and shows good flow and is within the expected percentile chart and her fluid looks good. Hopefully she is just a little slim sausage but my Dr wants to monitor her growth with more accurate measurements...so off to the Fetal Assessment Clinic we go in two weeks time instead!

Our boy is doing just fine measuring well over 1kg as he was at the 4D scan. Dr H says she could also be squashed as she is lying stretched out with her brother pinning her down and this could impact on the belly measurement. But we will see how everything looks in two weeks time. I am trying not to worry about this now!!!

I mentioned my continued heartburn and she said I must treat it as ignoring it can cause permanent damage to my oesophagus eeeek! She said Gaviscon doesn't work and to use Rennies or Milk of Magnesia before and after eating instead. She also sent me for a blood test to check for anaemia and gestational diabetes. My next appointment is at 31 weeks (wow). We chatted about the caeser date and she said she would prefer leaving them in until 37 weeks if all looks good. I told her that I would trust her judgement completely in this case and it is her call - whatever is best for the babes. Of course, if there are any complications and we need to have an earlier caeser or if they come on their own earlier then so be it...they get to decide. I asked about maternity leave and she said I should plan for 32 - 33 weeks depending on how I am feeling...but it will be up to me.

She discussed the steroid issue saying that she really didn't feel it necessary to administer steroids now as I don't appear to have increased risk of preterm labour at this point. She didn't check my cervix internally but from the belly scan it looks as if it is still 3cm so it hasn't shortened, which is just great.

Last night I went on a shopping spree at Woolies buying a fab camping cot, sheets, baby products and a whole lot of basics! And I booked my belly and newborn shoot package with an amazing photographer for 3 September when I will be just over 29 weeks - yah!

Am looking forward to spending the weekend with all the girls...6 women in the house and DH...lol!

27 Weeks

2011-08-18T09:59:00.001+02:00

How far along? 27 weeks!

Symptoms? Oh nooooo - I have started retaining water...been a few days now of slightly puffy ankles and hands. Had to take my wedding rings off - so wearing some replacement ones that are bigger. I also find myself waking up with a slight headache, and tight feeling in my ankles and hands. My blood pressure however is perfect - we have a machine so tested this morning - so this is good. Rib pain now and then as they expand. Few tweaks of pain when I move in certain ways sometimes - must be ligaments still stretching. It is getting harder to bend over to put on boots, socks or to shave...going to have to start improvising! Little bit of cramping in legs but not too bad. Pinched nerve more or less gone now which is great!

Stretch marks? None yet...using tissue oil morning and night.

Weight gain? Haven't weighed myself again yet...

Sleep? Still surrounded by pillows. Can be painful sometimes moving from side to side. Babes kick and nudge when I roll over. Have been finding it more difficult to get back to sleep after getting up to wee. I can see that my nights are going to be getting way more uncomfy as we get through the next 9 weeks!!!

Movement? Much more movement this past week. More regular nudges and kicks and rolls. Love doing belly watch when I lie still, but the babes don't always cooperate and snooze instead lol!

Best moment this week? Without a doubt - seeing the babes on the 4D scan! Amazing to see how perfect little babas they are. Now they just need to put on fat, mature their little lungs and keep developing those little brain synapses! I cannot wait to see their little faces in real life...but only when they are ready!!!

Food cravings? No specific cravings except for smoothies from Kauai! I am building up a nice supply of sticker cards yeah! And the babes get a fruit boost!

What I am looking forward to? Going on maternity leave!!!! 5 More weeks of work if all goes well...but am planning on having all work done hopefully by end of this month in case - this is scary as I have loads to do. I may need to go off a week or two earlier...Will also discuss this with my Dr at tomorrow's appointment.

Milestones? Reaching 27 weeks! Having our 4D Scan!

Emotions? Since the Full Moon last Saturday, I have felt a renewed sense of peace about my pregnancy with a growing belief that all will be well. Every day, I get a stronger sense of our babies as a reality...they will be here soon for real. Only 9 weeks to wait at the most after so many years of lost hope. It has taken me longer to reach acceptance that this miracle is happening...but I am getting there now.

General... Shopping update: Have done lists of all the stuff we still need to get and am planning a big shop for next weekend for all the rest of the hardware and the following weekend after my work baby shower to fill in all the gaps! Then I am packing my hospital bag and the babies bag and will start to do all the washing and organising of all their newborn things. So by 30 weeks all will be done!! I have only bought one bag of new baby nappies lol - so better stock up on those too! I have decided to use disposables for the first month or so and then will buy the eco-bum cloth nappy system. Am going to order 2 Snuza monitors today online as they offer a special price for twins. Yesterday to celebrate the 4D scan, I bought two Baby Bjorn slings - a bright pink one for her and a bright red one for him - hope they going to love going walkies with mum and dad in their uber cool slings!

4D Scan!

2011-08-17T12:55:00.002+02:00

Just got back from our 4D scan...was so amazing seeing our little babes close-up. Our little girl babe was hiding away and so camera shy - she is back squashed down at the bottom facing my back showing off her spine...so we didn't get to see her little face. Here is the only shot we got which is a side view of her face. She is measuring at about 950g or so...

Our little boy however was on full show...stretched right across in a tranverse position with his bum in her face, his legs to the side! At one point he had his arm behind his head as if he was stretching out on the beach lol! This explains the fiesty kicking on my RHS and jabbing on my LHS - it has been him all along I think. How cute is this little dude...he is growing so well and is about 1100g already!

What a cute little face!

At one point when the scan was live he grimaced at something...wonder what he tasted lol!

What a chubby arm and muscles!

And chubby little cheeks...and super cute chin!

Legs up and chin on his chest...time for a snooze?

And I get to see them again on Friday! So awesome!

16 Years!

2011-08-16T09:16:00.000+02:00

My DH and I started officially dating 16 years ago today! He proposed to me 9 months later on Mother's Day and we then got married in April the following year. He is without a doubt the true love of my life and I cannot imagine my life without him.

The last 16 years have been so incredibly special and I feel completely blessed to have experienced such a rich, complete relationship with such a wonderful man. I truly never believed I would find such a love with someone who makes me a better person, supporting my personal freedom and expressive space...

I will treasure the next 16 years together, now no longer alone but with our two special little babes...

Exciting week ahead...and memories

2011-08-15T11:05:00.000+02:00

This is going to be an exciting week! My older sister arrives to stay for the week today, followed by my younger sister on Wednesday. We have our 4D scan on Wed morning which I am so excited for - have been asking the babes nicely to please face forward for the camera as we would love to see both their little faces!

Then we reach 27 weeks on Thursday and I have an Obgyn appointment on Friday so will see them again (so lucky)! That evening, 3 more special women arrive to stay for a weekend of women celebrating my pregnancy with an informal baby shower! They are all mothers in our family....it is just me who has been waiting to join this club for so very long. I have been through all their pregnancies...

Starting when I was 19 years old and my cousin fell pregnant with my god-daughter who is now living her adult life. Then, my older sister fell pregnant with my niece, now in high school. Then my younger sister, also fell pregnant with a little girl, who I was lucky enough to have been so close to from when she was about 8 months old until they moved to Pretoria a couple of years ago. At the same time, DH's nephew's wife also conceived a little girl and we have watched her grow alongside our niece. Then a couple of months after my ruptured ectopic in 2007, my young step-daughter fell pregnant with our grandchild. This was the hardest pregnancy by far that I had to face as I had just lost one and I couldn't understand the cruel twist of fate, but when he was born, he brought with him so much innocence, light and healing to me.

During the period of the last three children born into our family, I had some dark days. Having to endure family conversations about babies, children and what being a mother meant to each of them. Watching the babies grow. How alone I felt in my infertility - after all I wouldn't understand as I wasn't a mother. I felt so left out especially when me and my two sisters and my mum would be chatting and inevitably at times it would be about motherhood and children...and I was the only one who wasn't a mother.Even my DH was already a parent and would talk about memories of his daughter and her mother. I often had to fight back tears during these times and pretend that I was not being affected by the absolute disappointment and shame I felt at not being able to produce a child. I was alone in my failure. Trapped in my body that was unable to create a baby.

And now...finally....I get to join the mummy club.

A lot later than I thought I would..after all I was ready to start a family in 1998! I always thought I would have at least two or three children by now. And yet, I also understand that this was the timing for us....for whatever purpose, our time to become parents - me for the first time and DH for the second, is now.

And we get to welcome two new souls on earth and into our lives. I am still in awe that this is finally happening to me and I will never forget the very long journey of pain, fear, disappointment, sadness, hope, love, growth it has taken me on.

I am ready to become a mother.

26 Weeks!

2011-08-11T10:49:00.002+02:00

How far along? 26 weeks! Viable! Can't believe we are here! If they are born now - heaven please no - they have an 80% chance of survival but would have a very long road in NICU...and we don't want that! Stay put babes for at least another 8-10 weeks!

Symptoms? Ongoing heartburn - really unpleasant. Back pain now and then while sleeping. Rib pain when I roll over in bed. Pinched nerve not so bad anymore - just twinges now and then. Ankles get a bit swollen by the end of the day so I try to rest with my legs up every evening for a bit and do ankle rolls. Also noticed by bangles a little tight so my hands also get a little swollen by the evening. My hair seems to need less washing - not as oily as usual which is great. Otherwise feeling great!

Stretch marks? None yet...

Weight gain? Haven't weighed myself again yet...

Sleep? Getting more and more difficult to move once I am down. Wish I had sky ropes to hold onto! Using my stomach muscles to lift myself up for night loo trips, but I suppose I should be rolling onto my side and then pushing up with my arms!

Movement? Not many kicks or big moves - more squirmings and rolling and the odd little jab. Haven't felt any hiccups yet...would be cool. I try to wake them up when I am relaxing with my feet up in the evenings - DH looked at me last night prodding a little baby part on the one side of my belly trying to provoke a reaction and said "Cam - if these babies have difficulties sleeping - I am going to blame you!" lol!!!

Best moment this week? We have almost finished the nursery!!! It just all came together so fast and is looking so lovely. I still have to sew the ottoman cover and DH needs to put more shelves in the cupboards - but otherwise all done. Now we just need to buy all the stuff that goes into the cupboards! I wanted to be ready by 28 weeks and we will be!

Food cravings? Freshly squeezed orange juice.

What I am looking forward to? We have our 4D scan next Wednesday!!! My older sister will be spending the week with us next week, then my younger sister arrives on Wednesday, and then my step-daughter and niece and cousin hopefully all on Friday for my family girl baby shower weekend - will be so wonderful to see them all!

Milestones? Reaching this incredible milestone is so special for me...I know each one has been miraculous, but today feels like the start of the last stretch towards actually holding these babes in my arms...I cannot express how blessed I feel.

Emotions? Have been missing my mum and may make an appointment with the medium just to try connect with her again before the babes arrive. I also want her to "see" me pregnant. I had a call from one of her art ladies who was so emotional and happy for me as mum has shared my journey with them all during the past years - I got so teary and sad that mum is not here to see this happen. It will be a year on 26 August.

General... I am going to book my belly shoot for the end of the month possibly - or maybe even beginning September - really want some awesome photo's to keep this miracle preserved forever...

73 Days to go...

2011-08-08T18:06:00.001+02:00

If the babes hang in until 36 weeks, then it is 73 days to go...wow. Just over 2 months! So incredible to believe that after 12 years of waiting for this moment...it is just 2 months away now. This pregnancy is going so fast compared to the months of heartache and disappointment following every failed IVF cycle and lost pregnancy.

Soon, we will be holding two miracles in our arms and all the waiting will seem trivial and purposeful as if it was always meant to be this way. How accepting I am now of the understanding that the time is only right now. I believe this is because I always knew it was to be, I simply couldn't understand why our journey had to be so long and so complicated. And how I will treasure that very moment, when all of the past falls away as we finally meet these little souls coming to us.

We have almost finished the nursery...
I cannot stop going into the room and sitting in the glow of the salt crystal lamp at night, rubbing my belly and telling these babies how much I am looking forward to meeting them.
It already feels like they have been here always...

Here are some more pics of the progress...taken in the morning sun.

25 Weeks!

2011-08-04T13:28:00.002+02:00

How far along? 25 weeks!

Symptoms? Heartburn most of the time. Backache. Pinched nerve - has been much better but still feel it now and then. Have been quite crampy which Obgyn says is normal...hasn't gotten worse, it just feel like my uterus is achy and irritated. Obgyn said I mustn't rub it too much as this aggravates it. BH contractions a few times a day. Fluid-like discharge most of the week and quite a lot. Tender at bottom of uterus especially when our girl kicks me there.

Stretch marks? None yet...

Weight gain? Haven't weighed myself since the 12kg gain mark. Waist measures 121cm.

Sleep? Still getting up for night wees, uncomfortable when turning from side to side. Have started feeling more uncomfortable especially at night and in bed. Am surrounded by pillows.

Movement? I haven't picked up any definite patterns yet and sometimes no movement for hours, then suddenly there will be some....

Best moment this week? Seeing that the babes are fine at yesterday's scan, they are growing well and have enough fluid. Knowing that we are getting closer and closer to viability even though I am praying that they stay put until 36 weeks - no PTL see babies!!!

Food cravings? Cookies and cream Haagen Daz ice-cream.

What I am looking forward to? Getting to 26 weeks...28 weeks...30 weeks! Picking up the wingback chair and shelf and finishing all the furniture in the nursery. Then will start buying the small stuff yeah!

Milestones? Getting to 25 weeks...in my 26th week! The babies are starting to put on fat now and soon their eyes can open. They also start responding to touch...

Emotions? Closer and closer...focusing on bringing our babies into the world healthy and happy. I feel myself getting stronger and more confident and then the fear starts eroding this when I realise what I now have to lose...I have to consciously keep my mind focused on believing.

General... My cervix is 31mm which is okay. Anything less than 25mm is a danger sign so I am happy as long as it stays at 30mm. Apparently the average is 30-40mm. There was a little funneling but Obgyn didn't seem worried - although she did say she wants to discuss steriod shots at our 27 week appointment...wonder why she said that? Maybe because of the funneling and she wants to help develop their lungs just in case? Now I am starting to worry again...

Scan update & pram

2011-08-03T10:31:00.009+02:00

Just got back from our 25 week scan and all is great!

My cervix is 31mm so still fine..there is a little funelling again but nothing to worry about. Both babes are growing like weeds - he is 840g and she is 770g! He is lying with his head under my ribs (explains the rib pain I have been feeling!), his bum in her face and his legs upwards slapping her on the head with his hands - not sure how he is managing all these acrobatics lol!...She has moved upwards with her legs kicking me in the hoo-ha - this also explains that interesting feeling down there lol! During the scan, she was quite chilled and didn't seem to be phased at all by her brother slapping her around - she even stuck her tongue out at him lol!

They both have enough fluid - great!

I asked my Obgyn about the ongoing crampy feelings and tenderness in my uterus and she said that it is normal as I am now equivalent to a 32-34 week singleton pregnancy so will be experiencing all those crampy uterus feelings now. She said that we need to look out for any vaginal signs such as mucous bloody show, spotting or severe discharge. Also, if contractions cause you to double over or increase in severity and timing, then I must get it checked out. We didn't get any good pics today though - getting more tricky. Got one pic of our girl but with her brother's bum against her face it is not a great shot hee hee!

She also did another vaginal swab to re-check for any infections. Urine test was all clear. I am now on 2 weekly appointments! As I was leaving she said to remind her to discuss steroid shots at our next appointment - so am not sure if she is keen on giving me steroids at 27 weeks just in case - I am sure she will check my cervix first? We'll see...

So I am happy...closer and closer...I will celebrate HUGE getting to the end of August and from September until hopefully 20 October when they are due, I will thoroughly indulge in finally really relaxing more and enjoying this incredible miracle...roll on September!

Onto the pram...

So DH came home and had to assemble the pram immediately as I was so excited. On first glance, he said "there is no way this is going to fit through a standard door"! We specifically checked the width and measured the doors and it was one of the reasons we ordered this one oh dear what went wrong eeeeeeek...anyway, I took pictures as we went along...

The unpacking...with some help from our Bengal cat, Halo...

The unfolding...

Mala and Halo playing with the box...

Almost done...

Ta da! The pram...

I love it! Especially that it has bamboo in the fabric and all parts are made from 50% recycled materials. It moves like a dream and the big wheels make taking it down stairs a breeze! Oh yes...and um...it doesn't fit through a standard door!!! Good thing we have double doors leading off our bedroom and the lounge. So while I won't be able to whizz them all through the house, I will be able to load them up and get them out of the house and all the way down our 100 or so steps - I am going to get SO fit!

It is here...

2011-08-02T13:40:00.000+02:00

Our pram just arrived!!! So exciting - I had to open the box and check it out already at work. I can't wait to get home and put it all together! I still can't believe how efficient it was ordering it from the US...it took 2 weeks to get here from date of order with no fuss and it worked out so much cheaper than buying a similiar pram in SA! Awesome. I am pondering whether to cancel my car-seat orders and to rather import instead as I could save R1500...am enquiring now!

The twins have been kicking me down there a lot, so wondering if their feet are both pointing down now - can't wait to see how they are lying at tomorrow's scan. Hoping my cervix is still 3cm with no change too.

Last night I dreamt that I gave preterm birth to 4 baby girls. They were all okay but in NICU and 2 had dark hair and 2 had blonde hair...very vivid dream! Usually up to now, I dream about the twins as a reality in most of the dream stories - I am pregnant and expecting them and all is as it is in real life, so this was a strange first - probably because I have preterm labour on the mind at the moment.

Here is another belly pic...24 weeks...

Funny how some women say I am carrying so small and others think I am carrying really huge...I think I am getting rather large but loving it!

Twins at 24 weeks...

2011-07-30T16:56:00.000+02:00

This is how fraternal twins look at 24 weeks in the womb...

"Your babies are growing steadily, having gained about 115g since last week. That puts them at just over 600g (although our twins were well over this already last week). Since they are about 30cm long, they cut a pretty lean figure at this point, but their bodies are filling out proportionally and they'll soon start to plump up. Their brain is also growing quickly now, and their taste buds are continuing to develop. their lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help their air sacs inflate once they hit the outside world. Their skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon."

Grow my little babes xxx

24 Weeks!

2011-07-29T15:40:00.002+02:00

How far along? 24 weeks yesterday!

Symptoms? Non-stop heartburn which comes and goes all day long. Backache. Pinched sciatic nerve - comes and goes. Rib pain when I roll onto my LHS at night - ouch. Some cramps which made me stress - sore. I also realised I have been having Braxton Hicks for a while now - my whole uterus contracts and it feels like the twins are either pushing outwards or breathing out a deep breath - not painful just wierd. More fluid-like discharge which I hope is normal. White to pale yellow as well sometimes...

Stretch marks? None yet...hoping I get off lightly...

Weight gain? Haven't weighed myself since the 12kg gain mark.

Sleep? Still getting up for night wees, uncomfortable when turning from side to side. Twins kick me when I roll over at night from both sides - hope I am not squashing them lol! Vivid and wierd dreams. But sleeping deeply and well.

Movement? Some days not much at all - I suspect the twins were facing the back? Quite a bit of movement at nights when they kick and nudge me as I sleep - I wake up with a chuckle and a smile on my face - love them moving! Am love love loving doing belly watch so I can visably see my belly twitch and jump when they kick and nudge! Just can't get enough of this :)

Best moment this week? Watching my belly move when they kick...must be the best thing yet...

Food cravings? Chocolate milkshake and Knead Classic Burger.

What I am looking forward to? Getting to 26 weeks...28 weeks...30 weeks - only 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks to go...will celebrate in a big way at each milestone!!! Also looking forward to my scan and cervix check on Wednesday - DH may come with me to meet Dr H for the first time!

Milestones? Getting to 24 weeks...2 weeks to go until viability although internationally 24 weeks is considered viable...

Emotions? Some days strong, other days wobbly. Believe believe believe Cam. Closer and closer...

General... Have been unable to resist buying some of the most ridiculously gorgeously cute little outfits - even though I promised I wouldn't buy clothing yet, I have bought some Baby Gap, FC Baby and Naartjie babygrows...indulgent but so adorable. I realised that I am not living out my fantasy through other womens babies anymore - it is all for our babies - wow. So special my heart can't even hold all the love I already feel...sometimes I think it is going to burst with joy and excitement and I have to hold back tears of absolute happiness.

Shopping bug...

2011-07-26T13:26:00.000+02:00

The shopping bug has bitten! Just got back from Mr P where I found mattresses, sheets, covers, gorgeous quilts, a fab vintage style rug and some other bits and bobs...am rearing to get to Baby City for the rest...and to my list of specialty stores for some special things. But enough for one week...or maybe I can hold back until Saturday?

The Quilts...

It also doesn't help that the centre where I work is on sale...including Baby Gap - hee hee hold me back!

We started the nursery...

2011-07-25T14:02:00.002+02:00

The weather was so lousy on the weekend, we decided to start the nursery. Yes, I am actually writing that...how unreal it seems that we are really here, and I am writing the words...we started the nursery. A real watershed moment for me and am a little emotional just grasping the miracle that is still unfolding day-by-day.

On Saturday morning, the babes woke up and I starting feeling their little morning moves and kicks. I suddenly realised that I had never actually watched my belly while they were kicking, so I pulled the covers down so the sun fell on my belly and sat staring. The biggest kick ever came from our little boy to the right and my whole belly flicked out! I was amazed and sat watching the twitches and bumps for ages. I can see the difference between the rolls and the kicks - simply the most special thing about being pregnant for me so far! I am feeling great overall, not too uncomfortable, full of energy, positive and calm. I know I will only truly breathe at 28-30 weeks but every day that passes brings me more joy, more peace and more strength at this unbelievable reality that is finally here after 12 years.

We have had the cots and compactum for a while, so took the plunge and moved the double bed out of the spare room and DH started building the cots. The walls were already the perfect colour as I had painted the room in the colours for a nursery when we moved in 3 years ago. One wall is duck egg blue and the others an off-white colour with a twinge of pink called Lotus The room was always going to be the nursery, so it has been waiting patiently for this day too.

DH moving a single bed into the nursery...

Yes - we have managed to fit in a single bed which is great as after much pondering about moses baskets and carry cots for the beginning when they are in our room, we have decided maybe to try them in a cot from the beginning and then we can take turns sleeping in the nursery if need be. This may change...

See Mala, our Ridgeback watching the action with interest...

Once the cots were assembled, I started worrying about space. But, we figured out a good layout and even though the door doesn't open wide, everything fits in and it is going to look great! These pics taken with my BB are not wide angle enough to see...but when all is done, I will take some better pics of the final story.

The cots in position and the compactum...

We ordered a beautiful wingback chair and a Boston wall shelf from Wetherleys to finish off all the furniture. The shelf will go above the compactum for nappies and all stuff needed for changing etc. We also bought a lovely baby bath and top and tail bowl from Mothercare...so bathtime all sorted. The shopping bug has seriously bitten and I may need to go get some of the soft goodies and mattresses really soon!

The theme is supposed to be country vintage with some Beatrix Potter touches. But finding any real original Beatrix Potter stuff seems impossible in SA! Have found an international online shop but waiting to see if they will ship to SA. But, this too may change and it seems to be taking on it's own theme as we go along.

And I bought a breast pump!!! Yes, a 2nd hand one from Gumtree, but it is in perfect condition and has been used only a few times so will be saving R2200. It is a Pump In Style Medela - just the one I wanted. I just need to buy new lactaset fittings and storage goodies.

2 Weeks to go until 26 weeks...then 2 weeks until 28 weeks and my family baby shower and belly shoot and 4D scan...then 2 weeks until 30 weeks and I will exhale completely, ready for this miracle to unfold to its reality...

23 Weeks and anatomy re-scan!

2011-07-21T14:46:00.004+02:00

How far along? 23 weeks today!

Symptoms? Bad backache after a night's sleep - comes and goes. Heartburn most of the time. I think a nerve in my bum is being pinched - could be my sciatic? Ouch every now and then.

Stretch marks? Using Justine Tissue Oil now morning and night everyday...

Weight gain? 12kg!

Sleep? Still getting up for night wees. Otherwise great.

Movement? Sometimes a LOT, sometimes a little...sometimes body rolls, other times kicks...

Best moment this week? Today's anatomy re-scan results!

Food cravings? Any gelatine based sweeties - jelly babies, winegums, woolies gum box yum!!

What I am looking forward to? 26 Weeks...28 Weeks...30 Weeks...33 Weeks...36 Weeks :) And when I got back to the office I saw Groupon was having a special on 4D scans, so have booked one!

Milestones? I ordered the pram and car-seats!!! Shopping coming up soon - I looked at some twin belly pics at 33 weeks and could not believe how huge you can get! I really understand now why twin mommies say get everything finished by 28 weeks latest! So I have 5 weeks to do it all!

Emotions? Giving away all my fears and trusting!

General...Just got back from the anatomy re-scan at the fetal assessment centre. The membrane is still lying on the little girl's face like a veil (she must be shy), and she has way less fluid than the little boy who is floating around in loads of space on top of her...but...she has enough and her membrane is closed! All their measurements check out fine and they are both big babies, weighing in at 629g and 693g respectively! At 23 Weeks, the average weight is 500g! Best of all, my cervix is okay and closed and measuring 29-30mm, which while it is shorter than it was a week ago (35mm) is still fine for a twin pregnancy apparently - well the sonographer said she was happy with it. The usual length of a cervix should be 40mm, and if it drops below 30mm, then could be sign of preterm labour risk. So no more shortening okay dear cervix!!!! And as a special suprise, we got a 4D scan pic of our "big" boy, but not of our girl as she was not cooperating at all lying with her face towards my spine and her back to us...hopefully she has moved in time for the 4D scan I just booked!

Here is our gorgeous boy...how cute is this little tot?

And here is my long and closed cervix! You can see our little girl's head pushing against it still...sigh...please move up babes then your brother won't be sitting on your head and you can have more space and fluid!

My next check-up is in 2 weeks with Dr H...

My mantra is: Long and closed, long and closed, long and closed...and Healthy happy babies born at 36 weeks, healthy happy babies born at 36 weeks, healthy happy babies born at 36 weeks!

Big steps!

2011-07-19T16:30:00.003+02:00

I don't know what happened today, but I took two big steps...

I ordered car seats and a pram!!! While I have been researching for ages, it happened so quickly that it can only be so right. I was inspired by my fellow twin-mummy-to-be-buddy so ordered the same car seats as her after I realised the Discovery discount is a big fat joke as it is limited to some really horrible styles...not specified so a little misleading I thought. Anyway, after terrible service at Babies R Us and having to track down the Maxi-Cosi supplier myself and finally getting answers including then being told this style did not qualify for the discount...I decided to actually buy the Peg Perego Viaggio Tri-fix and adjustable bases from Baby City instead. I also quite like that it is made in Italy! So I called and it took me all of 5 minutes for them to call me back to confirm the special order. I just need to confirm final colour now (Pois Brown may not be available), but this is the one we have ordered...

Onto the pram...after researching all the twin prams out there, again inspired by a fellow blogger who ordered one in US, I finally chose the Bumbleride Indie Twin. It is stunning I think, all terrain, lightweight and best of all side-by-side which fits through a standard SA door! I finally tracked down a company in the US that ships to SA and after much correspondance, I sent a quick email today just to check if they had the new edition colours in yet as we really want the new natural edition walnut colour. I got an email back saying to call them as the new stock was just in but not loaded on the site yet. I called and within 3 minutes had bought the pram!!!!! It will be here in 3 weeks! Here it is...

How gorgeous! As you can see, we have gone for earthy, natural tones for both. This pram is also awesome in that is is made from 50% bamboo fabric and recycled materials. Love that.

Still can't believe how fast it just happened today. So exciting.

Moving babies

2011-07-18T13:34:00.001+02:00

So in an attempt to shift the babies off my cervix, I thought some drastic actions may help. On Saturday morning I wedged myself on my back against our cupboard with my legs up on the cupboard at about a 40 degree angle (best angle I could achieve considering the soccer ball in my tummy!).

Once I had caught my breath, I attempted to lift my hips up off the ground leaning on my elbows. Whoar!!! I had no idea how heavy I was lol! I could only manage to keep the pose for about a count of 10 before collapsing! And I could only do it twice! All the while asking our dear little girl to move on down or up depending on which way you are looking at it...

Yes, I was quite a sight! Alas, however, they do not appear to have moved and I can quite definitely feel her head still pushing against my cervix and his little feet kicking me right down there - quite painful sometimes! Naughty little sausages.

They are moving and squiggling about more and more which is fantastic - more more more! DH actually felt our little girl kick for the first time which was such a special moment. Her legs stretch up to the RHS of my belly so she is easier to feel while his legs are clearly down towards the bottom on top of her.

The other night I had a dream that I was feeling someone's babies moving with my hand on their belly...and I woke up and realised it was actually me and them I was feeling. Simply the best thing about pregnancy so far!

Oh yes...and only 3 more sleeps until I see them again - how lucky am I? But also slightly nervous considering it is an anatomy re-check at the Fetal Assessment Centre and we will be checking some of the measurements again and our girl's fluid. All must be well.

Obgyn checkup

2011-07-15T10:32:00.000+02:00

Went for a check-up this morning with Dr H. She rechecked my cervix which is still closed and was measuring 3.5cm but because it was curved around, she said it would be more like 4cm. The report had come in from the Fetal Assessment Centre and she got the pic from the sonographer which showed the "beaking". She wanted to check for this herself. There is some sign of some funnelling or beaking which gets worse apparently the harder you push down on my belly. She added that she doesn't know how hard the sonographer had been pushing before her scan and it could have made it worse as the picture shows. It doesn't help of course that the babies are both lying against my cervix - the little girl more so and exerting pressure which could be causing the funnelling.

But Dr H is not overly concerned. She said she had reviewed the literature and even with a little funnelling and a closed cervix, there is no conclusive concern that it will definitely point to a preterm labour. Of course anything is possible but as we are only 22 weeks, there is little to do now - she wouldn't recommend any treatment. She said that she will monitor the cervix closer to 25 - 26 weeks and if it has shortened and there is reason for concern, we may decide to give the babies steroid shots in case of preterm labour so that their lungs can develop. However, you can only do this once, so she will not do so if not necessary.

She also scanned on my belly and both babes doing great and growing - measuring 23 weeks and about 440g and 459g. The little boy was kicking his sister in the face...naughty boy. Dr H said she was suprised that twins aren't born with bruises as they are so rough with each other in the womb lol!

She also said that common sense obviously points to not jumping up and down or running a marathon, but normal activities are all fine. It would be preferable for the babies to move to a sideways position off my cervix, instead of double-story like they are at the moment.....but they will eventually. If sideways, it would be easier to see and monitor them. Babies...please move off mum's cervix!

So basically...we hang on there and pray that all stays shut and tight and perfectly normal for at least the next 4 - 6 weeks....no...for the next 14 weeks as I only want to deliver these babies at 36 weeks!

In the meantime...life as usual. I don't want to worry so I am not going to...

22 Weeks

2011-07-14T09:31:00.001+02:00

How far along? 22 weeks today!

Symptoms? Really bad backache at night. Oh and did I mention the severe heartburn!!!

Stretch marks? No new ones - hoping to get away with none.

Weight gain? Still haven't weighed myself...lol

Sleep? Still getting up for night wees. But was bliss when I had food poisoning as there wasn't any wee to get up for so had two whole night's sleep!

Movement? Dear babies...mummy loves it when you kick, even when it feels so wierd, so anytime is great for me!

Best moment this week? Am changing this to worst moment this week as it wasn't a great week...with the leaking amniotic fluid scare at 21 weeks, my stay in hospital and then I got food poisoning on Sunday night from dodgy chicken on a pizza!!! Have been off work since last Wednesday - 4 days! All I want from here on is boring, normal, healthy and no more dramas.

Food cravings? Definitely NOT chicken or pizza!

What I am looking forward to? Next check-up to make sure twin girl is okay - on Friday and then the repeat fetal assessment scan next Thursday. The sonographer was too frazzled to do any 3D last week so am going to ask her to print me some 3D pics next week. Oh and feeling my babes move and kick.

Milestones? Feel quite damaged still from my stressful week - so just getting back to normal and trusting all will be well.

Emotions? Too much stress and tears and fear - letting it all go now.

General... Want to start the twin's scrapbook with all their scan pics - maybe this weekend. DH and I went on a research trip to Baby City and are all ready to start shopping - just waiting for my tax refund - yeah!

21 Weeks

2011-07-13T13:57:00.003+02:00

Here is our little girl at 21 weeks...

And here is our little boy...

How far along? 21 weeks.

Maternity clothes? Same. Belly growing by the day and still loving showing it off.

Symptoms? Bad backache after most night's sleep. Stuffy nose. Severe heartburn. Pains and aches this week.

Stretch marks? No new ones. Please none!

Weight gain? Still haven't weighed myself...

Sleep? Still getting up for night wees. Otherwise good...loads of intense dreams.

Movement? Have been feeling actual real little jerks and kicks - more pronounced movement but not enough - want to feel them all the time. LOVE it.

Best moment this week? It was a great week until I went for the fetal assessment scan on Wednesday at 21 weeks 6 days and my world almost caved in...

Food cravings? Chocolate milkshake.

What I am looking forward to? 22 Weeks...23 weeks...24 weeks....25 weeks...26 weeks...36 weeks :)

Milestones? Another week closer to viability...the day for 21 weeks was too scary.

Emotions? Was feeling great and positive until the big scare.

General... Peaceful, boring and perfectly healthy please from here on...

21 Weeks and update

2011-07-08T17:10:00.002+02:00

So my 21 Week date which was supposed to have been such a special day turned into a potential nightmare instead...After the terrible anatomy scan scare, I went straight to my Obgyn the next morning. Burst into tears and couldn't stop, She took a swab test and checked my fluid with litmus paper and scanned me. She checked my cervix which is measuring 4cm and long and closed - exactly as it should be and she couldn't see any sign of funnelling or beaking, but baby girl's head was in the way - right up against the cervix. She explained that diagnosis of premature ruptured membranes is more difficult with twins as they are so close and you can't always see the whole picture. She also said that it is possible for her membrane to be touching her face and then pooling behind her so it can't be seen but she felt that while it looked like she had less fluid, she had enough. apparently you can also leak fluid from above them in the uterus and it may not mean a ruptured membrane. But rather to be safe rather than sorry, she said she wanted to admit me to hospital for 24 hours monitoring - to check pads and discharge and also to do blood tests to check more thoroughly for infection. She has also forbidden me to google anything diagnostic...

On the one hand I really didn't expect that but on the other relieved that she was taking it so seriously. It was really scary being walked over to the maternity ward and having to self-admit myself. I did this and was shown to a bed, filled in hundreds of forms and started being monitored - temperature, blood pressure (which was really high 144 / 96 - hopefully due to stress!). The lab whisked in and did my blood tests, lunch was served, and day in hospital began. I had to give the sister my pad so she could press a litmus strip onto it to check if it changed colour to blue - a sign that it is amniotic fluid which has a PH level of 7-7.5. The first check was clear which was such a relief. Then they issued me with these boatlike pads - I mean you would need to be leaking half a cup of fluid to get a reading, so luckily, they were "dry" the next two checks - a good sign.

At 10pm I settled down to sleep and fell into a really deep sleep only to be rudely awakened just after 12 with the lights switched on...and the bed next to mine being wheeled outside. Oh nooooo I realised that someone was coming in - and no doubt an emergency someone. The lights went off and half an hour later the nurses came back in to apologise that indeed they had to bring an emergency caeser patient in to share my room as there was no other space. It is not policy for them to mix patients with babies with patients without - I mean if I was having severe complications and at risk of losing my babies - can you imagine having to room next to a new mother - so not on.

Anyway eventually they all arrived - mom, new babe, midwife, hubby and of course I realised sleep would not be possible. Terribly frustrating but so amazing that they were experiencing this special day. I still would have preferred my dark quiet room though lol. Eventually at 2h30 they left but then I had to listen to the new babe sucking and snorting and snuffling and crying when she fell off her breast. And of course the half hourly blood pressure tests and other checks for new mom - beeping machine right next to me. Aaaargh. Eventually had another hour or so sleep from 4h30 to 5h30 when they wake you all up with tea! I was starving as dinner had been served at 5pm the evening before...and breakfast would only arrive after 8am!

Anyway, so only about 3 hours sleep, but then Dr arrived to say she would discharge me that morning as all looked okay. The blood test shows slightly elevated white blood cell count but not enough to warrant concern - it could be due to my cold or some inflammation in my body. I am to monitor discharge and see her in a week to check baby girl's fluid level. She also said I must call if worried about anything. She was really sweet and this experience has really restored my opinion of her.

So I am beyond relieved and trusting that all will be well for the next 15 weeks. I do not want to have to be back at hospital until then. Okay babes...please be perfectly okay until the 20th October.

Will post the usual 21 Week update and scan pics soon...

Anatomy Scan Update - So scared

2011-07-06T19:31:00.001+02:00

Just got back from our anatomy scan. I have been having some watery discharge for the past few days...well, I may have been right in thinking I was leaking amniotic fluid.

The babies are doing great - all perfect. Measurements all great. She is 432g and he is 459g. But, her fluid looks a little low. On closer look at my cervix with the wand, the good news is that my cervix is long and closed. But there is some "beaking" of her membrane and the sonographer couldn't see it closed across at the bottom. So it may have a hole and is leaking.

This means that, I need to go in to the Obgyn tomorrow and get it swabbed so we can test if it is amniotic fluid and also to check for infection. If I am leaking, then I may be put on bed rest and will need to be monitored for fluid levels and infections. She said if the membrane has ruptured it could also re-seal - sometimes does.

I am so scared, I am shaking. My world is upside down and no matter how much I try to focus on the positive, I am struggling to keep it together. I can't stop crying and I don't know what I will do if this turns out negatively.

Oh how could the universe lay this on me now?

Twins at 20 weeks...

2011-07-01T09:17:00.007+02:00

This is what the twins look like at 20 weeks...real little babies...so amazing.

How your babies are growing:

Your babies weigh about 300g now. They are also around 16.5cm long from head to bottom and about 25cm from head to heel. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)
They are swallowing more these days, which is good practice for their digestive system. They are also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in their bowels, and you'll see it in their first soiled diapers.

20 Week belly pic...

5 More sleeps until the Anatomy Scan..yipppeeee.

20 Weeks!

2011-06-30T09:04:00.002+02:00

It is a very special day for me. I am 20 weeks pregnant today. What an amazing thing.
Only 16 more weeks to go until the caeser date, if we make it that far - so hope we do and they don't arrive earlier as I don't want them in NICU if possible. I am starting to feel the babies more and more...but not enough - wish I could feel them all day long, it is so very very special.

How far along? 20 weeks! Wow.

Maternity clothes? Same.

Symptoms? More backache, especially during the night and in morning on waking. More difficult standing up and really uncomfy bending over!

Stretch marks? No new ones.

Weight gain? Haven't weighed myself lol.

Sleep? Up at 12pm and 3am to wee.

Movement? One day of amazing activity, then nothing the next day, then a little rolling around or changing positions the following day...want more!

Best moment this week? DH saying goodbye to his babies every morning by tapping and rubbing my belly and saying "goodbye babies".

Food cravings? Slap chips...so so bad.

What I miss? Walking without losing my breath, but wouldn't change anything.

What I am looking forward to? Only 6 more sleeps until the 21 weeks anatomy scan...oh please let all be perfect. Can't wait to see how much they have grown and what they weigh now.

Milestones? Official halfway mark, even though it is less for us...still feels incredibly monumental and special.

Emotions? Renewed positivity. Connectedness to these special souls starting to get more real...

General... I think I must start shopping soon - already feeling overwhelmed. Went into Babies R Us the other day, looked at the car seats and promptly walked out again...No idea where to start! I realise now that I am going to start slowing down even more...better not leave it too long...

19 Weeks!

2011-06-24T10:36:00.002+02:00

How far along? 19 Weeks and 1 day today!

Maternity clothes? Same as last week.

Symptoms? Some aching yesterday and some tweaks in the lower regions...hopefully all ligaments stretching!

Stretch marks? No new ones.

Weight gain? 10kg!!!

Sleep? Down to once or twice night wee trips, but DH still in spare room - think he prefers it too to me prodding and rolling him over all night lol.

Movement? Not much :( - haven't been feeling the rolling movements at ALL...worrying, but hoping it is because I haven't been active this week due to my cold so they are also chilling...come on babies, kick for mom!

Best moment this week? Seeing my belly almost visably grow before my very eyes!

Food cravings? No real cravings...still not into chocolate at ALL, which is wierd for me. Also, can't really taste much due to cold.

What I miss? Wouldn't trade this for anything in the world no matter what is missed.

What I am looking forward to? Still to feeling real kicks. The 21 week anatomy scan (12 more sleeps) and of course to date of viability so I can try to relax.

Milestones? Over halfway if their due date is still 36 weeks!!!!

Emotions? No crying, feeling quite calm except for my paranoia about the rare incidence of incompetent cervix issues...going to email my Prof to ask him what he thinks.

General...Haven't been to gym this week as I have had a nasty cold...spent day in bed yesterday which was great. SO looking forward to a cosy, chilled weekend. Still in awe of this experience everyday.

18 Week update

2011-06-20T13:49:00.000+02:00

Here is the 18 week update...

How far along? 18 Weeks and 4 days today

Maternity clothes? Still maternity pants and usual tops - just love tight tops that show my belly!

Symptoms? Round ligament pain when I move fast to the side. No aching or cramping this week. Lots of discharge. Breathlessness when walk too fast or talk too fast. No stamina - went for long walks in Arniston and my heart almost beat out of my chest on the uphills - no power!!!

Stretch marks? No new ones - should mention I have loads of existing ones on my hips...hope they stay there and don't grow! Using tissue oil mixed with Jojoba oil every morning and night.

Weight gain? Too nervous to check - next week lol.

Sleep? Still getting up at least once to wee, but usually 2 or 3 times a night. DH has moved into the spare room as I disturb him too asking him to stop snoring all the time lol. He slept in our bed last night but wish he hadn't as he kept snoring and I could'nt get back to sleep! But I miss snuggling up to my warm sweetie. Also a bit uncomfy now - will start using my dream genie pillow I think.

Movement? Realised that those strange movements I have been feeling is definitely them!!! Feels like a weight rolling around inside me - must be them turning! Love it.

Best moment this week? Realising those strange motions in my belly are in fact my babes moving!

Food cravings? None really except for Nik Naks. Have been a little nauseas again here and there - may be related to this strange lingering diarreah problem I am having. Appetite not as strong as it has been.

What I miss? Wouldn't trade this for anything in the world no matter what is missed.

What I am looking forward to? Feeling real kicks. The 21 week anatomy scan (16 more sleeps). 26 Weeks when my Obgyn says she can help them if preterm. 36 weeks, when I get to meet them.

Milestones? 18 Weeks!

Emotions? Bouts of feeling very tearful. Saw a woman who looked like my mum and started crying. Worrying about my diarreah and it affecting my babies - starting crying. Setting up Scrabble - started crying - not sure why lol...

General... Really want this diarreah to go away now - getting really tired of it after more than 10 days now. Have to drop off a stool sample to my GP (how dignified...NOT) to have cultured in case any lurgy bacterias there! Very worrying. But he said he is only worried of I start dehydrating...so we must keep an eye on it.

18 Weeks Belly!

2011-06-15T12:47:00.002+02:00

It will be 18 weeks tomorrow!
Finally...here is my first belly pic...

We are off on a R&R weekend away to Arniston...despite the rain, hoping for a relaxing weekend with no routine! Will post again next week...

Scan Day!

2011-06-14T13:58:00.004+02:00

Went off to my Obgyn appointment looking so forward to seeing our babes and especially how much they have grown! Had a good chat with Dr H, who was being as ever practical as usual, but nice. She told me to see a GP about the loose stools issue (tmi I know but has been going on for a few weeks now) as I might have a virus and a GP must sort that out as pregnancy does not cause loose stools eeeeeeek! My BP was perfect and urine showed no problem and no infection.

She also said the heavy feelings, tight pulls in vagina, uterus etc are all normal. If it wasn't normal, I would know about it as it would get more intense and painful and would not be a great sign. She said the only concern at this point is preterm labour before 26 weeks but there is nothing any Dr can do for this...so we hang in there and start monitoring more closely (cervix etc) from 26 weeks when they could be viable if born. Such reality...I will hold onto my positivity and keep strong that all goes well. That my cervix is long and tight and my uterus strong to hold these babies in place until their due date.

The breathlessness is also normal - more blood to pump around and with twins it is more like 80 - 100% more! She also measured my uterus which is 2 fingers above my naval already (where it would be at 24 weeks pregnant with a singleton).

Then we saw them...gosh they have grown and their eyes are in front so looking more like babies! Hearts beating strong. They were lying face to face with their noses almost touching, she is on top and he is below. Saw his little willy again lol. Then she turned around with her back to us showing off her beautiful spine. They are both measuring about 13cm crown to rump and 16cm head to toe.

Our Boy at the bottom looking up at his sister...

Our girl's beautiful spine...

I am really looking forward to the anatomy scan now - another hour staring at these miracles...only 22 sleeps....

17 Weeks 3 days

2011-06-12T16:43:00.004+02:00

Found this on a co-blogger's page (Tx :)) and thought it would be kinda fab to update each week with this...

How far along? 17 Weeks, 3 days.

Maternity clothes? Maternity pants, normal tops.

Symptoms: Achy uterus, headaches, heartburn, bloated feeling in the past few days, bladder issues.

Stretch marks? None yet...hopefully never!

Weight Gain: 8kg or so and counting

Sleep? Getting up twice to wee, tossing and turning from one side to the other

Best moment this week? Feeling positive.

Movement? Nothing really yet...but can't wait.

Food Cravings? Ate a whole tub of Haagen Daz Cookies and Cream! Cold water. Chips. Fruit.

What I miss? Leaping about...and this is sure to get worse if I am already shuffling around at 17 weeks lol.

What I'm looking forward to? Feeling them move.

Milestones: 17 Weeks and counting to 27 weeks...then 33 weeks...then 36 weeks...

Emotions: Been a bit snappy at work, but for reasons...A bit tearful but not a lot...not as emotional as I though one is supposed to be when pregnant, but maybe this gets more intense?

General: Looking forward to seeing our babes on Tuesday. Don't want to hear anymore negative stories about losing twins at 21 weeks due to cervix funnelling etc - going to chat to my Obgyn about checking my cervix etc...this just happened to another blogger and got me completely freaked out after I was doing so well being positive!!!

17 Weeks!

2011-06-09T14:19:00.003+02:00

17 Weeks today! And my Mexican Bola arrived. So I now have a tinkly silver ball hanging around my neck which plays soothing tinkly sounds to my babes as it bounces against my bump. After birth, the sound apparently may soothe them. So sweet.

The email from Babycentre today says "You may be gaining weight rapidly at this point, even if you're not eating much. Experts say that the amount of weight you put on during pregnancy is dictated primarily by your genes, so don't necessarily blame yourself if the weight's accumulating faster than you'd like. Your baby's movements are felt as a gentle, fluttering sensation at first, but get stronger and more obvious as time passes. Some babies kick vigorously and often, others are quieter. And many seem most active at night"

I think my genes are seriously into weight because I think I have put on about 8kg since falling pregnant!!! There seem to be mixed views on this. Some say 14kg max, others say twin pregnancies must put on more weight - at least 25kg.

About the movement...can't really feel them yet. Did feel a few popping, bubbly feelings but nothing for a while. I even listened to them with the doppler this morning just to say hi and there they were, hearts beating strong. The next thing to look forward to is to start feeling them often...can't wait.

Next scan: Tuesday yeah!

Twins at 16 weeks...

2011-06-05T19:42:00.001+02:00

Here's an update of how they look now...and growing....

"Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he is about the size of an avocado. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop." (http://www.babycenter.com/6_your-pregnancy-16-weeks_1105.bc)

I am really looking forward to the 20 week scan now...

Pops and Bubble

2011-06-04T19:46:00.000+02:00

I have to start calling the twins something so I can start talking to them. We just listened to their heartbeats with the doppler and the nicknames came to me. Our little girl is Pops and our little Boy is Bubble. DH found them straight away - the heartbeats were easy to find and so strong. Pops was louder and being girl-like lying still, but Bubble was whooshing about so we kept losing his beat...obviously doing somersaults in his fluid lol. I think we are getting closer to their actual names - two keep coming in strong, but we will wait until they are born to decide. We may change our minds and name them before...let's see what happens.

On Friday I had a great session with a light worker and we shifted a lot of my negative gunk and fear. I feel so much lighter and from here on I choose positivity. I am living my dream. Now. I do not want to lose a minute of this magic. This may mean needing to stay off the forum (or some of the groups) for a while as any sad news or loss fuels my anxiety...so I don't need to be part of that right now - it is in my past. This does not mean my heart isn't still sending love and light to all my IF'ers still on the journey - it is...so so much...just that I need to protect myself in my now so I can fully commit to the reality of having these babies.

I felt so emotional hearing them tonight. My special babes.

The miracle of being pregnant

2011-05-30T11:31:00.002+02:00

A post by a fellow twin-mommy-to-be prompted me to write this post...It was at one point this weekend when I was suddenly and completely overtaken by intense emotion at what a miraculous concept pregnancy really is. Forget all the anxiety, fear and strange physical reactions - when you grasp the idea that there are actually two real little babies growing inside you and that in just a few weeks, you will start to feel them move, it quite simply takes your breathe away. For the first time since I found out we were expecting twins, they have became so real to me and I can feel that connection strengthening every minute.

My anxiety has been worrying me as it can't be good for me or my babies. It also struck me that my expectations of my Obgyn are unfair as I am expecting to have my anxieties eased by her when in fact this is something I need to deal with myself. I started feeling like it may be a good idea to see someone who can help me shift the fear, or at least park it out of my subconscious so I can be at peace and in tune with my strong desire to bring these babies into the world as healthy and happy.

So I am going to deal with this because it needs to stop now, so I can start to embrace this miraculous event that is happening and be in the right space to welcome what I have waited for, for such a very long long time.

Cots & the Compactum

2011-05-29T14:58:00.006+02:00

So, I know I wasn't going to buy anything until after the 20 week scan or even until 26 weeks, but after doing so much research, some bargains presented themselves! So well...we had to start buying! We were dead keen on buying new cots, but for interest, we looked on Gumtree at second hand cots. And there they were - two perfectly simple white cots in excellent condition (new R2k-R3k) for only R690 each. So we bought both and picked them up in Constantia which is just around the corner from us - perfect. When I went to look at them, we landed up chatting about the babies and found out that both their babies were conceived with IVF - the first time 9 IVF's and the second time 6 IVF's! I think it is rather special that our babies will be taking over cots from these little IVF girls - just feels right.

Then today, we popped into Wetherleys just to see what they have...and there it was. A perfect antique finish wooden compactum. The price on the tag was crazy but we spotted a sign on top of it saying it was half this price. We checked and yes it was on special only until today. So we ordered one right then and there. They also have such lovely extras - exactly in the style I am wanting for the nursery - little antique rose print cushions, beatrix potter prints, vintage style toys etc. Pricey but lovely. There is also a great shelf and a wonderful wingback chair which is exactly what I want as a feeding chair...but we will look around as it isn't cheap!

So the nursery is well on its way to becoming a real project. We have to do some serious rearranging of furniture to make space for decorating the nursery (we have too much furniture!) and I still need to see if a single bed will even fit into the nursery - might not. So at the very least, a good feeding chair is a must.

This is sort of the decor style I am looking at - without getting too girly though.

Will keep to mostly neutrals with a little pink for our girl and a little brown / blue for our boy - vintage type fabrics - stripes, antique flowers, checks, etc - it won't be purely vintage as the cots are white so it will have a contemporary edge. The room already has antique wardrobes, so the compactum will look great together with them.

This is the compactum we ordered - but in antique wood, not white.

The wingback chair I love - fabric to be decided on and makes a huge difference to the cost.

I have also found some lovely stuff at Mr Price Home - perfect quilts, crochet blankets, etc.
Roll on week 20 so I can start shopping!!!

Anxiety and my OB but all is good!

2011-05-27T09:56:00.002+02:00

So off I went to the OB appointment this morning...the one that was supposed to be on the 8th June until I crumbled yesterday and made it earlier!

All I wanted was to see them so I forgot to tell the OB that I had been extra crampy the last couple of days (I think this is because the placenta is in a serious growth phase and embeds deeper into the uterine wall at this stage, but could also just be normal uterine growing pains). I chatted to her about my anxiety but this was met with quite a practical and non-emotional response. When I asked if we could have 2 weekly appointments she didn't seem to think this was necessary and said she believes it is a waste of money before 26 weeks as they can only help the babies at this stage if a problem growing etc and that if there is a problem, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do before this. I felt like she was saying it would also be a bit of a waste of her time too as she said her practice is very busy. She did say afterwards, in her matter-of-fact manner that it is fine and I must just make the appointments as I need to and it is normal, and seeing is believing so she wasn't un-caring, just very matter-of-fact and to the point.

I admit, in my wobbly state, I felt a little like bursting into tears and saying "well if you can't give me what I want I will find someone who can" however on the other side, perhaps my emotional wobbliness needs some real grounded realism and practicality - German efficiency. Maybe I need that to counter my anxiety rather than have an OB who is overly anxious and cautious? What is more important? An OB you can trust in ability and professionalism or an OB that is compassionate and caring? I am not sure if I should try another OB at the same hospital - problem is they all work together anyway.

I have put on 5kg since last seeing her and she said it is a bit too much - another area where I am confused as everything I have read about successfully carrying twins to term says it is really important to put on weight early to nourish their development as later it is difficult to eat as much. Also, with a twin pregnancy one should put on up to 20kg. Such a pity there isn't a pure twin OB specialist as I would seriously consider moving to one. Also, I am not doing hardcore gym and my body is extremely reactive to exercise and the lack of it....I pick up weight fast if I am not doing loads of cardio, and YES I am eating more!!!

Anyway, she scanned and I saw instantly they were both okay - both heartbeats going strong. Our little boy was kicking and jiggling up a storm and pushing his hands upwards against his sac and our little girl was snoozing. She commented on how sweet Little Madam was not waking up seeing her brother was kicking so much. There was another cute moment when you could see them lying together head to head. They have moved sideways now and are lying next to each other. The placenta looks good and is covering the cervix at this point - may move up as the uterus grows. I was just relieved and happy to know they are okay. She said all looks great and they just need to do what they need to do right now which is to grow..

Here are our cuties today, measuring 15 weeks 4 days, and both about 9.7cm...

Chatted to the sweet receptionist afterwards and she said that it is completely normal to have anxiety and that I must just make as many appointments as I need - I am not the first to feel paranoid! So I compromised and made the next two appointments for 3 weeks apart with the 20 week Fetal Assessment scan in-between. Then I made 4 appointments 2 weeks apart from 20 July to end August when I will be 29 weeks. Works for me!!!

15 Weeks and OB app tomorrow!

2011-05-26T09:07:00.002+02:00

15 Weeks today!!!

Have been dealing with a bit of anxiety lately and trying very hard to concentrate on positive affirmations and positivity to squash all the negative and fearful thoughts that keep distracting me. I have also been talking to the twins explaining to them why mommy is feeling this way as the last thing I was is to project my fear to them! This morning I started feeling really anxious that it would still be a long 2 weeks wait until my scheduled Obgyn appointment. It has been 5 weeks (!!!!) since my last appointment!

Then I read on the forum that one of the twin specialists believes in 2 weekly appointments as standard for twins, so I called my OB and asked if there was an earlier appointment....and there was....tomorrow at 07h45! So I will be seeing our babies tomorrow. So so pleased.

Got all emotional and teary on the phone as I was making the appointment, and again just thinking about seeing them. Must be the pregnancy hormones in full flow.

And I am going to ask for 2 week appointments from here on. Simple.

The doppler drama

2011-05-23T18:42:00.002+02:00

So my gifted fetal heatbeat doppler arrived today and I rushed off to the Post Office to collect it, then rushed home and leapt onto the bed, squirted the gel onto the tummy and turned it on...and there were no heartbeats!

There was a doef doef sound and some other squishy whooshy noises, but no whaa whaa of the hearts! I was pretty calm despite this and rushed off to...yes...UTube to look for videos of the same fetal doppler in action...and in each video...the whaa whaa whoosh sounds were unmistakable. I sent urgent messages to my forum friends and Nita even called me back to chat about what I should be hearing. I tried again....no whaa whaa whoosh.....just doef doef doef and gurgling. And apparently the doef doef is the blood flow to the placenta.

So I breathed. And then slept. And asked for the answer. And it came to me...Keep calm, when DH comes home, he will find them.

And DH came home.
And he found our babies.
Both heartbeats going strong.

14 Weeks

2011-05-20T11:52:00.000+02:00

14 Weeks yesterday! My bump is definitely growing...but I can't help but wonder if they are still there. I feel I need more assurance and have started feeling anxious again in the last few days.

A wonderful woman from the forum is posting me her fetal heart doppler, and it should arrive on Monday. I can't wait to get it so I can at least look for their heart beats and hear them. I am sure this will put me more at ease until I start feeling them move from about 17 - 18 weeks - from 16 June or so. 4 Weeks of anxiety...and my next OB app and scan is only in 18 days time!!! It is too long to wait to see them again. I might, just might have to book a sneaky scan with my dear Prof if the heart doppler doesn't cut it!

My heartburn, night peeing and growing belly give me some comfort, but it would be so great to see or hear them.

13 Weeks

2011-05-15T14:54:00.000+02:00

13 Weeks and 3 days today so we are well into our 14th week...

I definitely have a bump growing. I find myself holding it in most of the time (maybe because I still just look fat at this stage) but when I let my stomach muscles relax, there is a real noticeable bump.

Just had a sudden craving for a juicy hamburger so we going to find one quickly...will finish post when we get back...nom nom....

Okay...protein urge satisfied. Yum.

Happily, a lot of the queasiness has faded. It still comes and goes but not nearly as bad as it was, thank goodness. The extreme tiredness is also not as bad. Am still needing to get up to wee in the night - sometimes once, sometimes still three times. I wonder how the twins are doing and how big they are today. I hope they are all warm and suggly and happy. Think I may need to re-watch the NT scan dvd today just to see them again. How am I going to wait another 3 weeks until my next OB appointment???

A BOY and a GIRL!

2011-05-10T09:59:00.001+02:00

So we went for the fetal assessment scan yesterday - 12 weeks and 4 days. What an absolutely mind-blowing experience. I was fixated with the plasma screen, watching every little movement and detail and when the heartbeat sound of the first baby was played, I started crying...it is so unreal and so miraculous that these two precious little beings are gowing inside me. ME!

Then she told me, Baby 2 is a little girl. She was lying there all well-behaved, drinking amniotic fluid and swallowing...so cute. All her measurements were absolutely perfect. She is 71.5mm - quite tall and slim, and has a lovely nose already. Her heartbeat was 166 beats per minute. Baby 1 was not cooperating and as he is lying at the bottom, all my scar tissue made it tricky for her to see....but eventually, after much prodding with the scanner, he moved and there it was...a little willy!!!

Can you see it? Definitely a boy!!!

A boy!!!He has very long legs just like dad and is fatter than the girl and is about 70mm. His heart was racing at 173 beats per minute - apparently could be all the adrenalin from me as I was so nervous! All his measurements apart from the fast heartbeat were also perfect. Both are measuring at 13 weeks.

So apparently the boy will be the first born and the girl will follow - even if we have a caeser. At the moment he is lying at the bottom and she is lying on top...but eventually they move into a more side by side position.

This is turned to the side,,,but he is on the bottom and she is on top - facing each other - so cute!

Here is our girl...

And here is our boy...

And the best of all is we got the dvd of the whole hour's scan...so I can watch it again and again! Our next fetal assessment scan will be at 20 weeks 6 days on 6 July! And it will be a long 4 weeks wait now until 8 June for my next Obgyn appointment and scan - 16w6d...eeeeek - how am I going to wait that long???

I am more in awe than ever.

12 Weeks!!!

2011-05-07T18:31:00.001+02:00

I still can't grasp the fact that I am really here - finally at 3 months pregnant!!!! We have reached the first critical milestone and now move into the 2nd trimester. Almost to the day, the queasiness lessened slightly during the day and heartburn arrived. Happily, the heartburn has not become a permanent thing and hasn't been as bad again. Apparently it starts as the progesterone levels increase to the point where it relaxes the valve on the top of your stomach and allows acid to push up into the oesophagus - not pleasant and had to stop my splurge on oranges and citrus as this was making things worse.

I am not complaining, just find the pregnancy journey quite fascinating so far...it is incredible how your body responds as an incubator to growing babies. My boobs have grown and my nipples have changed shape with new blue veins along the sides -fascinating. The food aversions, constant metallic taste and flow of saliva, queasiness and all the other strange and scary symptoms.....I will not lie and say I have thoroughly enjoyed the 1st trimester, because I really haven't so far - from a symptom perspective, that is. However, from the perspective of this miracle that is unfolding and the reality that two very special babies are growing inside my womb, it has been one of the most significant experiences in my life so far.

At 12 weeks...here's how the twins are doing...

How your baby's growing:

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.
Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 5 cm long (about the size of a lime) and weighs about 14grams.

I cannot wait for Monday and I so hope we will find out what we are having and that they are perfectly healthy....please little twins be fine.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and it will be the 2nd time I have been pregnant on Mother's Day. The first time was at 7 weeks - the ectopic in Namibia - and I remember being so happy at the idea that I was actually going to be a mum. I am slightly more wary this time even though I am 3 months pregnant...I think I will only feel like a mum when I am actually holding them in my arms finally.

What a magic thought.

Scan # 6 & 7

2011-05-03T08:21:00.003+02:00

Went for my last scan with Prof this morning...very sad and very happy to say goodbye to the Fertility Clinic...still can't believe that I have been going there for the past 6 -7 years on and off...And finally, I am leaving with twins growing inside me...such a miracle.

I had also gone for a scan last Tuesday - dates for the twins were 10w6days but Prof said I was more likely about 10w3days or 4 days...seems they are ahead then in terms of growth for now...here they are...

Twin 1 showing as 40.9mm and 11weeks!!

Twin 2 at 39.5mm and 10w6days!
They are growing really well says Prof and both are happy. This morning, one twin was kicking about and the other one was snoozing and wouldn't wake up...but both heartbeats strong...here they are...

Twin 1 measuring 11w2days and 44.7mm, but I don't think this is accurate as another measurement showed 12 weeks!!!

And Prof seems to have measured Twin 1 again (not Twin 2 LOL) and showing here as 11w6days and 50.5mm!!!

So it really shows how variable the measurements can be! Didn't get a pic of Twin 2 today - but that could have been the 12 week measurement he referred to. Anyway, he was happy and then gave me a few words of advice re twin pregnancies. He said that I should be resting a lot from 25 weeks, on my side. The biggest worry with twin pregnancies is preterm labour and hypertension. And, he would advise leaving work at about 28 weeks as the goal is to reach at least 33 weeks!!!!!! I was planning on working all the way up to 32 weeks (end September) so am hoping I will feel fit and healthy and up to it then...will have to see how it goes. That is like 4 months away and would be around the end August!! Gosh...

I have decided to wait for my Fetal Assessment Scan on Monday before telling everyone at work...that will make me 12 weeks and 3-4 days. Then no more scans for a loooong 4 weeks until my next Obgyn appointment.

Hang in there and grow little happy Twins xxx

Twin pregnancy week 11

2011-05-01T14:59:00.001+02:00

So I have decided to start weekly "Twin pregnancy" entries from now on...

We are finally at or around our week 11! There seems to be some confusion about when I actually move into the next week. The FS said that my week 10 was officially on Monday 25 April, but according to the scan results on Tuesday, I was 10w6days! (give or take 3 days either way) So Prof said we should calculate Tuesday as 10w3days. That means then I should've moved into week 11 on Saturday 30 April. And next Sat, I will finally be week 12!!!!!! Very complicated...but just shows you how much the CTR measurements can change things. Oh yes and we discussed the progesterone and he is more than happy that I stay on Cyclogest until 12 weeks - down from 3 a day to 1 a day.

The scan with Prof on Tuesday went well - he spent more time looking at the twins that I did LOL. He checked their growth and all good - Twin 1 was 10w6d and 39.5mm and Twin 2 was 11w0d and 40.9mm! Both of them were bouncing around like crazy. Hilarious to watch and I couldn't stop laughing! I will load the pics when I get back to work.

He asked me if I wanted to come in again for another weekly scan next Tuesday and I said of course...he said that is good as he liked to see all four of us! I think he is enjoying seeing them grow too. So Tues will be my last scan with dear Prof. He might want to see me again once he gets the fetal assessment results...but only if there is a problem. Unless of course I need a sneaky scan sometime in the future...but I think I will handle waiting for my next Obgyn appointment 4 weeks after the fetal assessment scan next Monday. Just think, next Mon, we might just find out what the twins are...2 girls, 2 boys or 1 girl, 1 boy....soooo exciting. I hope they are both perfectly ok...I don't want to have to make any hard decisions...oh please no.

This 11 day break has been great in that I have done nothing. Nothing I was going to do! I had all these projects planned, meditations lined up, etc, but I have felt like doing none of it. Have been queasy 24/7 and instead indulged in some serious sleeping and reading. Really have been feeling rather non...

So, next scan...Tuesday...
Fetal assessment scan...next Monday...
Then 4 weeks until my 16 week Obgyn appointment...

Stay safe little twins please...mummy needs you to be strong and happy and to grow x

First Obgyn Appointment

2011-04-21T14:39:00.001+02:00

So my first Obgyn appointment went well! I really liked Dr Steffi Hinz - she is nicely efficient, down to earth and matter of fact, but responded well to my desire for tlc. I think she will handle me fine and I already trust her. We went through all my history and she ran out of space on her form for previous problems LOL. She said I am at higher risk for hypertension and diabetes as my mum had both these, but that we shouldn't run into these problems before 30 weeks. She only wants to see me 4 weeks after the fetal assessment scan - gosh such a loooooooong wait! So my next appointment is 8 June only. How am I going to wait that long without seeing the little sweeties? Oh yes, and Dr Hinz wants me to stay on Cyclogest until 12 weeks!!!!! She says the placenta's are only fully formed at 12 weeks and because they are twins, she doesn't want something as silly as a progesterone issue complicating anything right now!!! Awesome.

Here they are today at 10 weeks...measuring 34.1mm and 10w2d or so...they were both bouncing up and down!!! First thing she said was, we have some happy little blighters LOL.

Next scan: Tuesday 26 April with Prof
Then Fetal Assessment Scan the following Monday on 9 May...

Crampy, hungry, tired and 10 weeks!

2011-04-20T13:34:00.001+02:00

BUT still very very happy and grateful that I am pregnant. And it has started hitting me what a blessing this is, not one but two beautiful little babies are growing inside me right now!

And I am about 10 weeks TODAY or tomorrow - wow!

Last night, I slept so badly, in between the strangest recurring dreams about prams, DH snoring, having to get up to pee three times, our cutey kitty Persia catching a mouse which was squeeking and then of course the clippity clop of Mala's nails as she stalked out into the passage to investigate the hunting activity. I had to get up and pee, lie down and deal with the vivid dream, shake DH as the snorks started and then try to ease back into sleep - 3 times!!...very tricky! Could do with a good snooze right about now!

Also forgot to pop in my Cyclogest this morning, so was worrying especially as I am feeling quite crampy today...but clinic says I can take one later and then 2 at night and should be fine.

On the hunger front...I am always queasy and always hungry...

Today I have eaten:

A bowl of Pronutro
2 Slices toast with avo, cheese marmite and tomato
A seed bar from Woolies
A glass of Apple juice
A huge sub sami with cheese, tomato, avo, lettuce
...and I am still starving....

Going to go find milo now and maybe a muffin too!

We have our Obgyn appointment tomorrow with Dr Hinz. I am so excited to meet her and hopefully she will do a scan! The first appointment is R1120 - eish! Of course, this year we would have changed from a full on comprehensive medical aid to a saver plan LOL...but it is all worth it!!!

Will post after our appointment tomorrow :)

Scan # 4

2011-04-19T08:08:00.002+02:00

This morning the twins were lying side by side so measuring them was a little tricky...and worrying as they only measure 9w5days and 9w4days and are about 28.7mm or so. I would have thought they would have grown more but Prof said the growth is fine. Heartbeats still there.

I am not sure what to call these little cuties...so for now will stick with twin 1 and twin 2...or today Wriggle and Sleepy LOL.

Twin 1 was having a real bounce around! Moving all over the place - SO amazing to see and I could have stared at them all day....but scan went so fast and in minutes it was over. Here they are side-by-side...

Twin 1 on the left was dancing a little jig...hands and feet wiggling

I asked Prof if he was going to check my progesterone levels and he said no, there is no need to, everything should be fine. Then he ummed a little and paused and left to check my file. He came back in and said, "You know what...let's stay on the Cyclogest for another week just to give an extra boost. If it was one I would be certain all is fine, but there are two, so let's do that. And I want you to come in next week for another check." So of course, now I am worrying...why did he change his mind? I hope it is because he is just being extra cautious. Of course I am glad I don't have to wait 11 days for the next scan.

Last week, they measured 21.7mm and 8w6days...so they have only grown 7mm...hope this is okay...hope this is not why he wants to check next week again - even though he said the growth is fine...!!! It is sometimes tricky to get accurate measurements depending on how they are lying...

So they are back on progesterone support for another week...I agree, rather that than take any chances!

Next scan: Tuesday 26 April and I hope they have a serious growth spurt by then!!!

Growing solo

2011-04-18T14:52:00.000+02:00

So today was my first day without progesterone. It is now over to the little ones' placentas and they are growing solo! I must admit it is a little scary...what if they are not producing enough progesterone? I think Prof said he was going to do blood tests tomorrow to check my levels - I think I will ask that he does - just to make sure the levels are all good.

One more sleep until scan # 4 - 9w6 days or so!
3 More sleeps until our first Obgyn appointment to meet Dr Hinz.
A loooong 11 day break with No scans - eeeeeek!
15 More sleeps until scan # 5 - 11w6d or so.
21 More sleeps until our Fetal Assessment Scan at the Kingsbury Fetal Assessment Centre - 12w5d or so...
And...telling everyone who doesn't already know...SO exciting!

Scan #3 - Twins growing perfectly

2011-04-12T08:19:00.001+02:00

Have just got back from our 3rd scan! And we saw feet!!! Yes, little tiny feet! How incredible to see how much they have both grown. They have almost doubled in size since last week. They are now both measuring 21.7mm and 8 weeks 6 days (with 3 days variable) and in one measurement, twin 1 was 9 weeks! Prof says they could be nearer 9 weeks - which he says is about tomorrow / Thursday (so my calcs seem right based on the first day of the LMP!!!). He said the heartbeats look good and strong.

Here is Twin 1...

Can you see the little foot? How cute!!

And here is Twin 2...

Looks a bit squashed to me!

Here are both of them - it is hard getting them both in one pic...

We had a good chat and he told me that he wants to keep seeing me until after the foetal assessment appointment. I told him that Dr S said this would be my last appointment, but he said no, he has a plan and that is keeping me with him until 14 weeks!!! He even said I only need to go to Dr S Hinz at 15 weeks! How sweet is that. And it means weekly scans if I want them - even better! And the best news is I am off the PIO shots - WOW...this is BIG...you have no idea how sore my butt is. Will stay on Cyclogest pessaries 3 times a day until Sunday and then it is over to the actual placentas! How awesome is that. By now they will be producing enough progesterone on their own.

While swopping meds, I was chatting to the Sister about Prof saying I needn't see Dr Hinz next Thursday, but she suggested I go anyway as I don't know her and it would be good to meet her just to see if I would like her to be my Obgyn - if yes, then I can make the 15 week appointment. If not, I can move on - I think this is a sensible plan so I will keep the appointment. And of course, I will get a bonus scan and maybe even get to hear the heartbeats!!!

I have a form to make an appointment with the Fetal Assessment Centre Kingsbury for sometime between 11 weeks - 14 weeks...will give them a call later.

I am so happy that they are doing fine...so very grateful and happy.

8 Weeks...and Lima beans

2011-04-08T14:12:00.000+02:00

If I use the last scan as a real guide with the bigger twin, then I am officially 8 weeks today...

This is what the twins are starting to look like...how amazing is this...

(an excerpt from http://www.womenshealthcaretopics.com/pregnancy_week_8.htm)

"By pregnancy week 8 your baby is anywhere from 14 to 20mm long, or about the size of a Lima bean! In fact, some women refer to their baby as their little 'bean' as they follow their pregnancy week by week. Your baby is doing a lot of growing during pregnancy 8 weeks. Up until this point in time your baby had a small tail... which starts to disappear this week, and your little one will soon have eyelids to cover his or her blossoming eyes. While the arms and legs are also lengthening, the fingers and toes are likely to still be webbed. Your baby's brain is also maturing during pregnancy week 8, as nerve cells begin to connect with one another, forming the groundwork for communication later in life. Did you know the tip of your baby's nose is already formed by pregnancy 8 weeks? The lungs are also working hard at maturing, though they won't be fully mature until near term. However, tubes leading from your baby's throat to the lungs begin to form branches.By week eight, your baby should have distinct elbows, which allow the arms to curve around the chest. Your baby's organs continue to develop with lightning quick speed. Before you have time to even blink an eye, your little one will resemble a miniature human being, complete with ten fingers, ten toes, skin, and all the body parts we all have!"

Can't wait for the scan on Tuesday to see how they are growing...They should be 8w4d and 8w2d then...

Queasy queasy queasy

2011-04-07T09:43:00.000+02:00

The queasiness has been pretty intense the past two days. I still haven't thrown up yet, but I have thought about it!!! I am NOT complaining, it is wonderful. I never thought I would say that, but I would happily puke as much as I have to if it means all is well with these two precious miracles inside me. But, I admit it is not my best...nausea....aaaargh. And I have had a splitting headache for the past 3 days which is also wearing me down. Have taken Panado which does nothing for me. Am hoping it will please go away today...I am finding it hard to concentrate at work. Have decided to take the day off tomorrow just to chill and sleep...yay.

Yesterday, I couldn't take the bloated tummy problem anymore (pant buttons undone by the afternoon LOL) so I went and bought a Preggi Belly Band (to wear usual pants with buttons undone for longer) and a pair of stretchy top pants....bliss! I also got a maternity bra for sleeping in - made from stretchy lycra stuff and SO comfortable...made a huge difference. Instead of rolling over and feeling a tender ouch, they are nice and sung against my body...awesome.

I think the uncomfortable tummy issue is more from bloating than expansion as when I wake up in the morning it is fine. It is just as I eat through the day that it gets more and more bloated. I have read that with twins obviously the uterus expands more quickly and with a singleton, it would be about the size of a grapefruit now at 8 weeks on Friday (started off the size of an avo pip)...so with twins, it is probably quite a large grapefruit LOL.

This is all so exciting...I still can't believe it is happening...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh the queasies.....

Scan # 2

2011-04-05T08:45:00.000+02:00

The twins are still doing well and growing!!!! Had a terrible night with a constant cramp in the one side so had constant nightmares all night about losing them...horrible. Felt quite numb as we went into the scan - almost a little depressed. Maybe all the progesterone?? Anyway, Dr S explained about the possibility of vanishing twin syndrome (which is common before 7 weeks but not after) and what we needed to see today.

In went the wand. And there they were...all perfect. Two perfect little blueberries. Baby A is 7w4d and 12.5mm and Baby B is 7w2d and 10.9mm. I joked with Dr S saying - one must be a boy and the other a girl and he said...I would agree with you!!! Let's hope!!!

Baby A - a bit blurry

Baby B - Our "girl?

He was very happy to show me the heartbeats on both - about 140 beats per min. He didn't let me hear them - not sure why...when I asked he said, no not at this stage. He said that my risk of anything happening to them after 7 weeks is drastically reduced now and gets even less as the weeks go by. He said I must just enjoy this now and try not to worry so much.

Still in awe....

2nd Scan tomorrow

2011-04-04T11:30:00.000+02:00

The week went by pretty fast and scan # 2 is tomorrow...and I hope all is well with both twins...I have heard of disappearing twin syndrome and how common it is...but I would be devastated as I am already getting attached to the idea of two...it is as if it is meant to be...One more sleep until we hear their heartbeats and see how much they have grown. They should now be about the size of a blueberry...

I am battling to button up my pants! While I did have some fat on my tummy before this, I could always hold it in - NOT NOW! Not sure if it is all the progesterone or the expanding uterus(from the size of a plum to a grapefruit) or both, but it is getting harder LOL...

Please universe, let everything be okay tomorrow...

The haze and spirit of positivity

2011-03-30T14:30:00.001+02:00

So in my haze of delight and fear, I am trying to believe all will be well. In this spirit, I remembered that Prof had asked us who our Obgyn was and where we wanted to deliver! How's that for positivity...so we have chosen an Obgyn - Dr S Hinz at Vincent Pallotti, which is where I want to deliver.

This is because I was born at Vincent Pallotti so I think it will be kinda special for my LO's to be born there too. Continuing in this spirit of positivity, I called to make an appointment today. The receptionist told me to go straight for the NT 12 week scan first before making an appointment so I had to explain to her in rather a lot of detail that I was SPECIAL and needed TLC and so wanted an initial meeting appointment with Dr H first before going for the serious tests etc. So, we have our first appointment on 21 April (should be 10 weeks or so)....if we love her we will stay with her...if not, we will try Dr Bruce Howard. They are both specialist Obgyns - Prof said both are great.

We are going to get there...believe Cam.....

Scan pic!

2011-03-29T13:56:00.000+02:00

Duh - just took a pic with my BB LOL...

You can see twin 1 but twin 2 is hiding here...

What an amazing sight..it blows me away!

A little pair of Lors!!!

2011-03-29T08:33:00.002+02:00

Just got back from the first scan...

We have TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!!!!!!!

Am in shock! As we went in Prof gave us a little talk saying that it is still early and it is a sensitive period especially until 12 weeks (am glad he is as conservative as I am!) but "let's see what the scan shows us now"....and in went the wand....

And I saw 2 black rounds. And I knew instantly. And then he said "It's twins!".
There they were....little Baby A at 6mm and 6w3days and even littler Baby B at 5.4mm and 6w2days...both had foetal heartbeats, which I couldn't see through my tears and racing heartbeat! But DH saw them!
Prof is very happy and said he was privileged to be doing my first scan.

He also said no to having highlights - oh my word I am going to have to invest in alice bands to hide my serious regrowth!!!

Oh my hat...I cannot believe this miracle!
He has agreed to let me come for weekly scans...next week with Dr S!
Wow. Wow. Wow.

2 Sleeps until scan

2011-03-27T17:25:00.000+02:00

Don't know why I am so worried. Maybe it is because I just can't believe that all can be well. My IF past is really haunting me. I am going to make a serious effort not to let my fears based on my past experiences ruin this for me.

I am hoping that the scan will ease my worries a lot and perhaps finally I will be able to relax just a little without thinking the worst. Of course then, it will be the wait for the next scan which is why I am going to ask if there is anyway I can go for weekly scans until 9 weeks...I am sure Prof will understand.

Symptom update: Have only been mildly queasy almost all the time, but not unbearable and no fully fledged nausea. It sort of comes and goes...a constant sort of sea-sickness... Have been bloated and headachy and getting up at least twice a night to pee.

Every morning, I have been waking up and saying "I am pregnant and I am so very grateful" - oh how grateful and amazed and excited and on the edge of overwhelming happiness...

Why can I not just TRUST????
Roll on Tuesday!!!

My POAS Story....

2011-03-25T08:06:00.000+02:00

Not so queasy today! Now I am worrying that this is not a good sign...oh well...

So, I wanted to share my POAS story...for one because there is some hilarity involved and for another to show other woman just how freaky POAS's can mess with your mind....
On 7dp5dt (7 days post the 5 day transfer), I was at work and literally ON THE EDGE. We had had a meeting with a supplier the day before, where I kinda lost it...a colleague of mine also lost her mum just before me, so we call ourselves the orphans (she also lost her dad young)...Anyway, the meeting was with a young girl (first job) who was promoting a retail online voucher system. She was doing very well, despite being a little green in comparison to the 3 seasoned marketing vets in front of her - me, my event manager and my pr manager...38, 34 and 42 years old respectively. Anyway, her first faux pas was to suggest that I go for skin laser treatment as her mum had just been and it works so well! Pah!!!! Was she trying to say...that I looked old and damaged??!! I found this vaguely amusing. She then went on to suggest that as Mother's Day was coming up, we could all buy one of the spa specials to treat our mums! Well. I retorted that there was little chance of that as two of us no longer had mums!...the two of us starting to giggle uncontrollably, veering on mild hysteria, and then when she tried to back-track, saying "well, have you got kids? You can buy one for yourself for Mother's Day"...I blurted out "Don't even go there...you have no idea honey!". By now, the "orphans" had lost the plot and we couldn't stop laughing (both colleagues knew my story and how freaked I was at the time)...the tears were flowing! This poor girl must have thought she had just had a meeting with some crazy chicks! LOL.

Okay, back to the POAS story...
So the following day, 8dp5dt, I was officially losing it. I remembered that I still had some hospital issue hpt's that I had gotten in Zanzibar as I suspected an ectopic (that's another story) and they had been burning a hole in my bag. So at about 11am, I couldn't take it anymore and took one of 3 into the loo and peed on it the wrong way round. Nothing happened! When I realised I had used it the wrong way, I started laughing madly! Off I went back to my office to get another one. And I peed again...this time the right way around....this is what I saw:

I rushed off to Clicks and bought a Clearblue Digital HPT and a pack of Clicks HPT’s…I immediately went to the lav, not caring if the hcg count would be too diluted and peed some more on the Clearblue digital. This is what I saw:

Wow. Speechless…worried…but at ease for another few days until the BT…so I thought. The next day on 9dp5dt, I peed on the Clicks stick…hate those as this is what I got:

Eeeek – why so faint? Why was the pissing line so faint? What did this mean? Eeeeek.
Immediately peed on the last hospital issue HPT…and YES YES YES…a darker line!

Next day, 9dp5dt, I POAS again…WHAT??? Why so faint? Why almost fainter than day 8??? Hating these Clicks cheapies…tossed it in the trash immediately.

Then as we know did BT on 10dp5dt and beta was 264!!! So clearly the Clicks HPT's are not more sensitive to high beta's until they get really high. If you are going to POAS I would waste my time with the cheapies - I would go straight out and get the Clearblue Digital as there is nothing better than just seeing the words rather than driving yourself bonkers trying to interprate "faint" lines!

And then, of course as IF's do...I POAS some more...

On 14dp5dt when beta was 1985...the line was only slightly darker!

And then I had to do another Clearblue just to see 1-2 change to 2-3...but in my case it went straight to 3+!!

And then one last time at 17dp5dt, just to see if finally with a really high beta of over 9000, if at last the Clicks HPT line would be as dark as the control....and it was....finally!!!!

Hope my story helps shows how dodgy the POAS ride can be. Having said that though, it really saved my sanity for a while back there so I am glad I did it. But I would honestly not bother with the Clicks no name brand and would either get my hands on hospital issues HPT's which were really accurate, or go straight to the Clearblue - worth R79!!!

4 More sleeps until my scan....

The queasies...

2011-03-24T17:49:00.000+02:00

Aaaaargh....the queasies have set in! What started as a few bouts of faint queasiness has now become fully fledged episodes of lasting nausea!!! Aaaaargh, not great. Great, in that it is supposedly a good sign but geesh I can't believe I wished for this symptom! It started yesterday so I had to stop at the Spar and buy some Marie biscuits which I have been eating ever since. It is a stange kind of nausea...I feel like eating. And if I do eat, then it sort of feels better for a while anyway.

I am sure the clinic's system of calculating the dates is wrong - if I take day 1 as well, day 1, then according to every other system, I am 6 weeks 1 day today. Maybe they use that calc as some cycles do ER later, so they like to work with averages...but this cycle was spot on with ER on day 14 just as if it was a normal cycle...oh well...give or take a few days doesn't make much of a difference...just that morning sickness (or all day sickness in this case) usually kicks in around 6 weeks...

Better go eat something....aaaaaaargh......

Beta # 4

2011-03-22T19:37:00.000+02:00

26 356!!!

So still increasing nicely! According to the sister at the fertility clinic, they count the day of transfer as 2 weeks pregnant regardless of the actual day 1...so this makes me 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant today! And my scan next Tuesday will be at 6 weeks 1 day...she also said that with levels like this we will definitely see something - yay!

So now it is the countdown to the scan....and keep praying that all will be well.

Beta # 3

2011-03-18T10:10:00.000+02:00

This is what my DH sent me this morning...

And then the sister called to tell me that me beta levels are rising nicely and so at 18dp5dt it is now 9756!!!

I told her that I am having a lot of difficulty letting go of the fear and she said that she completely understood that with my past and that if I want to go for another beta on Tuesday I must, but that there is nothing I can do at this stage to control anything and that everything looks perfectly fine to them so I must try take it day by day now until the scan. She was very understanding though and congratulated me again, but was more than happy to indulge my need for another beta on Tuesday if I need to do one....whew.

Scan appointment confirmed...

2011-03-17T09:57:00.000+02:00

And the best news is...got an sms from the clinic...

I can come in for an early 6 week scan...so 29 March it is!

Please let me see an early heartbeat...but just to see a healthy sac and foetal pole will be just fine too!

Limbo

2011-03-16T08:21:00.002+02:00

I feel like floating in the warm blue sea for the next 2 weeks...
I feel like I am in limbo...

Between wanting to indulge in and enjoy this incredible miracle that is happening right now, and staving off the fears of my world crashing down. It is incredible how much residual fear is constantly around me. That something can still go horribly wrong. Then I keep reminding myself that everything can go perfectly right.

On the one hand I am trying to act as if all will be well. But I start to panic when I feel an unusual ache in my side. How will I protect my heart? Damn infertility and all the pain we have to endure. Will this taint what should be a wonderful experience? I know I don't want it to. So I am going to focus on the now, everyday as my confidence grows and I can start to stretch into the wonder that this is.

Have decided I am going for another beta on Friday at 18dp5dt...yes, for my sanity. And another one on Tuesday at 22dp5dt and then will take it from there...it will be a week after this that I have my first scan.

2nd Beta

2011-03-14T11:02:00.000+02:00

And the number is.....

1985!!!

So relieved!

Am now wondering about what this means and if possibly there could be more than one growing? Eeek. This increase means that my hcg levels are doubling every 33 hrs or 1.4 days - the average is for it to double every 48 hours or so. But then hcg levels vary SO much from person to person and the average bands are so wide that you will only really know when you have the 1st scan!

I begged and pleaded for an early scan, but the Sister said I must wait for 7 weeks and wanted me to make an appointment for 4th April (our anniversary coincidently :) Anyway, I was transferred to the Prof's secretary and she told me that Prof is out of town for 3 weeks from the 30 March, so I asked her to try get me an earlier scan for 29 March - she will ask Prof is okay and confirm with me!!! Am holding thumbs I can get this earlier appointment as I would so love for Prof to do my 1st scan.

My anxiety levels are quite intense and I must consciously try keep calm - a frontal lobotomy for the next 2 months would be awesome....LOL! I may need to go for weekly beta tests just to monitor that they are increasing nicely for my own sanity!

I am so in awe that this might finally be happening for real. Can it be?
What an incredible miracle...