"My" ER tomorrow

It will be "my" (donor's) egg retrieval tomorrow. I sent an email asking how many follicles there are but as yet, have had no reply from the donor programme sister...damn. Hard not to want info especially as I have been so removed from the stim process.  On one hand, I admit it is a relief. Not to be worrying daily about my follicles. Did they grow? How many are there? Are they going to make good embryos this time? Will we finally get to a transfer?

On the other hand, it would be nice to know how many ova to expect. Maybe if I don't have any preconceived ideals, I will be happy with anything more than we need? I wouldn't say I am obsessing, just interested in comparing to my last cycle I suppose.

Time will tell. Next step, ER and count of ova. Then fertilisation and waiting for the fert report. Then daily fert report call-ins, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun...and then hopefully Embryo Transfer with real, live, healthy blastocysts on Monday!!!!! I never made it to actual blasts, so all very exciting.

Then of course, the loooooong two week wait until the blood test day.....

Interestingly, we had all our blood work done and I finally know what my blood type is...O Pos, which yay, is the same as the donors. DH is AB Pos which is actually quite rare - only 5% of the population have this type. Seems we are all clear on hepatitus, HIV etc etc which is a plus LOL.

Will post again with the fert report...gosh, just got butterflies in my stomach....can't believe we are here again...but for the first time...

Things look good

                                                 This is a pic of a building in Stone Town, Zanzibar

So, our donor's first scan was yesterday on CD8.  I couldn't wait until my scan this morning so sms'ed the donor sister for info. Her reply was "Too early to count follicles, small follies on both ovaries. Next scan Monday, Things look good"! I couldn't remember if I knew by day 8 how many follicles I had, so I looked back at some of my past IVF cycle notes. Yes, I did know as there were only ever 3 or 4 growing from an antral follicle count which at best was 5 or 6! So I took this as a good sign that there were quite a few follicles so not necessary to count yet...oh imagine...to have so many that you only really check the leader.  I never had that luxury and spent hours willing my few follicles to grow grow grow.

So off to the scan I went, intending to quizz my Prof further. He came in to do the scan and seemed in a rush and the first thing he said to me was "how are you doing? Are you at peace". And I said, "I am completely at peace and completely ready". He scanned and said my lining is already a perfect 11mm so no need to increase Progynova dosage and that it would not be necessary to come in again for another scan! Awesome. Then he said, he had scanned our donor yesterday and that everything is looking really really good. I asked him what her antral follicle count was and he said, about 15! Wow. My best was 6 I think!

I read that a good donor should have 15-25 antral follicles. Also, you can calculate how many eggs you will get with a simple calc: EGGS = 0.8*FA (Antral Follicle Count)+2. So if our donor had 15 antral follicles then hopefully we will get 14 eggs!! That would be great, if one considers only about 50% fertilise. I would be completely thrilled to have 7 embies. They also say that approx 30% make it to blast, so if we get 7 embies, then hopefully hopefully hopefully we will get 2 healthy blasts to transfer, maybe more.

Monday will bring more news about how the follies are doing. Prof also said he thinks ER will be on Wednesday, but will let us know.

Wow.

Letter to our donor

Dear Donor angel

I wanted to write you a letter to express just how grateful we are to you for the incredible gift you are giving to us – a chance at finally, possibly having our baby.

Our journey to this point has been long and difficult and we are emotionally weary after all the heartache and loss. We have been trying to have a baby for 13 years now, since we got married when I was 25. I had severe endometriosis, severe pelvic scarring and my tubes are badly damaged and I was told at the age of 28 after a laparotomy that it was unlikely I would ever fall pregnant naturally. After further surgeries, we tried various fertility treatments before deciding to try naturally again. This lead to an ectopic pregnancy which we only realised when it ruptured while we were on holiday in Etosha, Namibia and I very nearly died.
We had another natural ectopic pregnancy a year later. This was devastating. So close, but the baby was in the wrong place and I had to undergo surgery again to have it removed. After a break, we started with IVF treatments. The first one resulted in a pregnancy, but it was not to be and I miscarried. The next 4 IVF’s all resulted in cancelled cycles as our embryos were not making it past 4 days. Our final attempt with IVF 6 was also a negative.
Not only am I a poor responder to IVF drugs but after so many years of trying, my egg quality is now questionable at the age of 38. Our only hope is now through a donor.

Each time, we gather up new hope and keep on going and this time, because of your special gift of donated ova, we will hopefully and finally welcome the little soul we have been waiting for, for the last 13 years.

We are so grateful for your courage and generosity to give of yourself to us by going through this process with such grace.
We will treasure and love this baby should we be successful this cycle, with all our love, forever.

We pray we will be blessed and we ask that you are too, always.

Thank you

Getting closer...

We had a really great trip to Zanzibar - in a mosaic of words.......hot, tropical, spicy, vivid colours, blues, smells, visual gems, noise, salty air, cold beer, seafood, warm wind, indian ocean, rough rural landscapes, palms, kangas, seaweed, swims, coconut, fruit, music, books, sleep, sticky, adventure, Africa, poverty, clouds, trees, Muslim, Arab, Indian, heritage, slavery, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, green, lush, simple....

Here I am on an island just off the west coast of Zanzibar on a rather windy day....it really is that beautiful...

We went on the 3 Island Tour to celebrate Henk's 51st Birthday. The wind had picked up and the crossing to the islands would have been tricky so we opted to go to just one of the three. A delicious seafood lunch was prepared by the tour guide and served to us on the beach. The water was just beautiful even with the wind. Crossing back, it had become almost gale force and the rolled up sail roof fell, knocking me on the head...it was F'ing eina. 

Visually, the colour and the people, kanga's, cloths, fruit, food, trucks, buckets, shack shops...were inspiring to photograph. Only problem being that people do not like to be photographed, so it has to be done from a moving car, or while no-one is looking otherwise they get very upset!

This was the view from Croal Rock Bungalows where we stayed as the tide was coming back in.

This is with the tide out far. We could walk out to the deep water along a beautiful sand bar, looking for scarlet red and spidery starfish and seaweed farms along the way...

More on Zanzi later...

I started taking daily Lucrin injections the day after we got back from Zanzibar to start down regulating my own cycle awaiting my day 1 which was yesterday. I felt excited to be getting closer to the next step by phoning the special donor cell number to tell Sister Fourie that it was my day 1. She then called our donor to tell her to stop taking her BCP's and to wait for her day 1, while I continue with the Lucrin injections. Her day 1 should be in the next 3-4 days and then she will receive her stim protocol and meds and stimming starts!!! Then after about 10-12 days of stimming, we go to ER - probably around 24 Feb! Then we wait until day 5 if lots of embies (hopefully!!) to ET. I will be taking more meds as well to prepare my lining for ET and then daily gestone injections until 9 weeks of pregnancy!

I am completely ready.

Chilling on Clove Island

You know when you have one of those aha moments of exquisite clarity when perspective is so spot on, it fills you in awe of your very being in this time and space. I have had a number of moments like this in the past few weeks while reading a series of remarkable non-fiction insights from evolution to the history of man to the mother-daughter relationship to the meaning of death. It is so important to keep the mind working with new information, stretching your understanding and growing...

However, I am now packed and ready to leave for our 8 day trip to Zanzibar...no deep-thinking, just loads of chilled exploration!

I had so wanted to go to UCT Summer School this year...but the dates fell over our trip to Zanzibar...so the Clove Island wil be my summer school this year. And I have left behind all deep-thinking reading material and packed instead some good mindless books - my sister just gave me a proof copy of "A discovery of witches" by Deborah Harkness...looks juicy.

Will write all about our trip on my return...

My donor and a New Year

Before we left for Knysna, the Prof finally called me to say he has who in his opinion will be our best donor match. He has assured me that she is marvelous and a beautiful girl just like me (what a charmer). We agreed on a Feb/ March or April cycle...I am leaning towards Feb really...Why? Because I don't want to wait, because we are going to Zanzibar for our Birthday week and I will be lekker relaxed and ready and because, well, just because...it's time.

I have always wanted to go to Zanzibar and we have decided to book a more authentic experience rather than fancy 4 star resorts. Can't wait, my camera and snorkeling gear is ready!!!

We spent a busy Christmas in Knysna, returning home before New Years and celebrating the arrival of 2011 with a mystical picnic next to Silvermine Dam...beautiful evening, loads of fabulous red wine, good food and my DH. We are ready for a good year after the hard lessons and stress of 2010.

                                 The clouds streaming over the Silvermine Dam

It is good to be able to spend another week at home. I really want to do my vision board, the Caroline Myss "Entering the Castle" meditation, do a painting, do my sewing and hopefully a few scrap books...oh yes, and also need to stick all my collected recipes into a book at last...all the fabulous stuff you don't get to when stuck in the work-home-work rut of life...sigh. And of course...to read a few books, start working on my tan, swim, eat, sleep, lie mmmmm.

New directions...

A couple of things happened over the past couple of weeks to put my mind at ease and to reinforce my positivity and sense of purpose on this journey. I went to see a medium. I went to see my Prof. And then I went to see my intuition teacher who also does readings. It was a roadtrip of revelation. Each substantiating the other. All giving me peace and positivity.

My purpose for going to the medium was specifically to see if I could reach my mother in spirit. I got so much more than I expected and there was no doubt that mum was there and communicating with me. Without going into specifics, there was complete knowing that it was her due to the precise details she mentioned. I was completely blown away by the detail and the depth of the information coming to me. And how happy I felt knowing that she is okay and finding her way around her spirit home. Yes, there is a little soul waiting patiently for me and physically I will not be able to have a baby unless I use a donor. They also didn't believe that I would use my sister's egg as I need a stronger, younger egg for this to work and they see this from another donor. I have had to go through this long challenging path as I was not really ready and for some reason, I needed to learn all I have to become the mother I am needed to be. Her guides explained that it will still very much be my baby and all I need is the matter to start the process (donor egg), but that I will nurture and create the baby completely and will feel an immediate soul connection on implantation. This is exactly how it is supposed to be.

The peace I felt from hearing this was like being drenched in warm loving light.

Then,  I went to see my Prof and he recommended we go for as young a donor as we can to ensure success. We chatted a little about epigenics, which is ground-breaking research into genetics and dna where it has been proven that lifestyle can change your genetic destiny completely. So as the biological mother, this means everything! As the genetic source (a combination of genes from the egg and sperm) will implant in my body to grow, my body will feed it, stimulate it, my sub-conscious will send ideas and thoughts to it...all contributing to the creation of that baby. As the baby grows in me, those influences may have a direct bearing on how the baby develops. Those influences may contribute to the switching on of specific genes over others. There are epigenic marks which sit on top of your genes, and these determine whether the gene is activated or not. So lifestyle and other influences have a direct bearing on this. This is exciting new science which is completely changing they way we think about genetics and affirms that your dna isn't your destiny. There is more on this fascinating research in Bruce Lipton's "The Biology of Belief".


Anyway, we are on the same page now. And Prof wants to try match us himself to one of their donors. So the plan is as follows...we are going to proceed with an anon donor.


Prof will start looking at the donors already registered with their clinic. He feels that it is important he gets a feeling from knowing me and then meeting the donor to see who would be a best match for me. He wanted to know more about how I was in matric as he believes that after this we can be moulded in many different directions depending on the situation, but that in matric we are at the peak of our potential. We chatted a bit about what our most important criteria are in choosing the genetic contribution to what will become our baby. I told him that she needs to be a similiar look and height to me, preferably blue or green eyes and that she had to be bright! He promised to call me on 2 December with this selection and to chat about the next step. We are hoping to do a Feb, Mar, Apr or May cycle!!!!

The third visit was with Michelle, my intuition teacher and a skilled intuitive in her own right. While she knows me and has been part of the last 4 years of this journey, I felt it was time to come full circle with a reading from her. And it was amazing.  Again, everything her guides told her was in complete synchronicity with the messages I had already received. And she added even more insight, bringing to a close at last, my desire to understand why I have had to endure such anguish trying to have a baby.

Everything now points to this outcome with absolute certainty and I am completely at peace with our new direction. My fears of not co-creating our genetic child are fading and I am instead excited at the prospect of welcoming the child that was always supposed to come to me...just in a different and special way!