Finn & Rebecca

Finn & Rebecca

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Fearlessly fearful

I really do not have enough words for this.

When you are told that your mother has stage IV small cell lung cancer which has already metastatised to a brain tumour and a definitive time left with you in this lifetime, everything goes very quiet and then so noisy you can't think straight. Then the panic sets in. Then the fear. Then just nothingness and sadness. You cry until there are simply no tears left or so you thought.

While shock is numbing, information nudges you into reality. Statistics are rude and loud. And I want to be fearless for her. But I am fearful. Of what may come, of the road ahead she now faces. Not for me as much, but for her. My mother. How could she not be here forever?

I do not want to say goodbye.

It is too soon.