Finn & Rebecca

Finn & Rebecca

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The haze and spirit of positivity

So in my haze of delight and fear, I am trying to believe all will be well. In this spirit, I remembered that Prof had asked us who our Obgyn was and where we wanted to deliver! How's that for we have chosen an Obgyn - Dr S Hinz at Vincent Pallotti, which is where I want to deliver.

This is because I was born at Vincent Pallotti so I think it will be kinda special for my LO's to be born there too. Continuing in this spirit of positivity, I called to make an appointment today.  The receptionist told me to go straight for the NT 12 week scan first before making an appointment so I had to explain to her in rather a lot of detail that I was SPECIAL and needed TLC and so wanted an initial meeting appointment with Dr H first before going for the serious tests etc. So, we have our first appointment on 21 April (should be 10 weeks or so)....if we love her we will stay with her...if not, we will try Dr Bruce Howard.  They are both specialist Obgyns - Prof said both are great.

We are going to get there...believe Cam.....

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Scan pic!

Duh - just took a pic with my BB LOL...

You can see twin 1 but twin 2 is hiding here...

What an amazing blows me away!

A little pair of Lors!!!

Just got back from the first scan...

We have TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am in shock! As we went in Prof gave us a little talk saying that it is still early and it is a sensitive period especially until 12 weeks (am glad he is as conservative as I am!) but "let's see what the scan shows us now"....and in went the wand....

And I saw 2 black rounds. And I knew instantly. And then he said "It's twins!".
There they were....little Baby A at 6mm and 6w3days and even littler Baby B at 5.4mm and 6w2days...both had foetal heartbeats, which I couldn't see through my tears and racing heartbeat! But DH saw them!
Prof is very happy and said he was privileged to be doing my first scan.

He also said no to having highlights - oh my word I am going to have to invest in alice bands to hide my serious regrowth!!!

Oh my hat...I cannot believe this miracle!
He has agreed to let me come for weekly week with Dr S!
Wow. Wow. Wow.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

2 Sleeps until scan

Don't know why I am so worried. Maybe it is because I just can't believe that all can be well. My IF past is really haunting me. I am going to make a serious effort not to let my fears based on my past experiences ruin this for me.

I am hoping that the scan will ease my worries a lot and perhaps finally I will be able to relax just a little without thinking the worst. Of course then, it will be the wait for the next scan which is why I am going to ask if there is anyway I can go for weekly scans until 9 weeks...I am sure Prof will understand.

Symptom update: Have only been mildly queasy almost all the time, but not unbearable and no fully fledged nausea. It sort of comes and goes...a constant sort of sea-sickness... Have been bloated and headachy and getting up at least twice a night to pee.

Every morning, I have been waking up and saying "I am pregnant and I am so very grateful" - oh how grateful and amazed and excited and on the edge of overwhelming happiness...

Why can I not just TRUST????
Roll on Tuesday!!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

My POAS Story....

Not so queasy today!  Now I am worrying that this is not a good sign...oh well...

So, I wanted to share my POAS story...for one because there is some hilarity involved and for another to show other woman just how freaky POAS's can mess with your mind....
On 7dp5dt (7 days post the 5 day transfer), I was at work and literally ON THE EDGE. We had had a meeting with a supplier the day before, where I kinda lost it...a colleague of mine also lost her mum just before me, so we call ourselves the orphans (she also lost her dad young)...Anyway, the meeting was with a young girl (first job) who was promoting a retail online voucher system. She was doing very well, despite being a little green in comparison to the 3 seasoned marketing vets in front of her - me, my event manager and my pr manager...38, 34 and 42 years old respectively. Anyway, her first faux pas was to suggest that I go for skin laser treatment as her mum had just been and it works so well! Pah!!!! Was she trying to say...that I looked old and damaged??!! I found this vaguely amusing. She then went on to suggest that as Mother's Day was coming up, we could all buy one of the spa specials to treat our mums! Well. I retorted that there was little chance of that as two of us no longer had mums!...the two of us starting to giggle uncontrollably, veering on mild hysteria, and then when she tried to back-track, saying "well, have you got kids? You can buy one for yourself for Mother's Day"...I blurted out "Don't even go have no idea honey!". By now, the "orphans" had lost the plot and we couldn't stop laughing (both colleagues knew my story and how freaked I was at the time)...the tears were flowing! This poor girl must have thought she had just had a meeting with some crazy chicks! LOL.

Okay, back to the POAS story...
So the following day, 8dp5dt, I was officially losing it. I remembered that I still had some hospital issue hpt's that I had gotten in Zanzibar as I suspected an ectopic (that's another story) and they had been burning a hole in my bag. So at about 11am, I couldn't take it anymore and took one of 3 into the loo and peed on it the wrong way round. Nothing happened! When I realised I had used it the wrong way, I started laughing madly! Off I went back to my office to get another one. And I peed again...this time the right way around....this is what I saw:

I rushed off to Clicks and bought a Clearblue Digital HPT and a pack of Clicks HPT’s…I immediately went to the lav, not caring if the hcg count would be too diluted and peed some more on the Clearblue digital. This is what I saw:

Wow. Speechless…worried…but at ease for another few days until the BT…so I thought. The next day on 9dp5dt, I peed on the Clicks stick…hate those as this is what I got:

Eeeek – why so faint? Why was the pissing line so faint? What did this mean? Eeeeek.
Immediately peed on the last hospital issue HPT…and YES YES YES…a darker line!

Next day, 9dp5dt, I POAS again…WHAT??? Why so faint? Why almost fainter than day 8??? Hating these Clicks cheapies…tossed it in the trash immediately.

Then as we know did BT on 10dp5dt and beta was 264!!! So clearly the Clicks HPT's are not more sensitive to high beta's until they get really high.  If you are going to POAS I would waste my time with the cheapies - I would go straight out and get the Clearblue Digital as there is nothing better than just seeing the words rather than driving yourself bonkers trying to interprate "faint" lines!

And then, of course as IF's do...I POAS some more...

On 14dp5dt when beta was 1985...the line was only slightly darker!

And then I had to do another Clearblue just to see 1-2 change to 2-3...but in my case it went straight to 3+!!

And then one last time at 17dp5dt, just to see if finally with a really high beta of over 9000, if at last the Clicks HPT line would be as dark as the control....and it was....finally!!!!

Hope my story helps shows how dodgy the POAS ride can be. Having said that though, it really saved my sanity for a while back there so I am glad I did it.  But I would honestly not bother with the Clicks no name brand and would either get my hands on hospital issues HPT's which were really accurate, or go straight to the Clearblue - worth R79!!!

4 More sleeps until my scan....

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The queasies...

Aaaaargh....the queasies have set in!  What started as a few bouts of faint queasiness has now become fully fledged episodes of lasting nausea!!! Aaaaargh, not great. Great, in that it is supposedly a good sign but geesh I can't believe I wished for this symptom! It started yesterday so I had to stop at the Spar and buy some Marie biscuits which I have been eating ever since. It is a stange kind of nausea...I feel like eating. And if I do eat, then it sort of feels better for a while anyway.

I am sure the clinic's system of calculating the dates is wrong - if I take day 1 as well, day 1, then according to every other system, I am 6 weeks 1 day today. Maybe they use that calc as some cycles do ER later, so they like to work with averages...but this cycle was spot on with ER on day 14 just as if it was a normal cycle...oh well...give or take a few days doesn't make much of a difference...just that morning sickness (or all day sickness in this case) usually kicks in around 6 weeks...

Better go eat something....aaaaaaargh......

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Beta # 4

26 356!!!

So still increasing nicely! According to the sister at the fertility clinic, they count the day of transfer as 2 weeks pregnant regardless of the actual day this makes me 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant today! And my scan next Tuesday will be at 6 weeks 1 day...she also said that with levels like this we will definitely see something - yay!

So now it is the countdown to the scan....and keep praying that all will be well.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Beta # 3

This is what my DH sent me this morning...

And then the sister called to tell me that me beta levels are rising nicely and so at 18dp5dt it is now 9756!!!

I told her that I am having a lot of difficulty letting go of the fear and she said that she completely understood that with my past and that if I want to go for another beta on Tuesday I must, but that there is nothing I can do at this stage to control anything and that everything looks perfectly fine to them so I must try take it day by day now until the scan.  She was very understanding though and congratulated me again, but was more than happy to indulge my need for another beta on Tuesday if I need to do one....whew.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Scan appointment confirmed...

And the best news an sms from the clinic...

I can come in for an early 6 week 29 March it is!

Please let me see an early heartbeat...but just to see a healthy sac and foetal pole will be just fine too!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


                                          I feel like floating in the warm blue sea for the next 2 weeks...
I feel like I am in limbo...

Between wanting to indulge in and enjoy this incredible miracle that is happening right now, and staving off the fears of my world crashing down. It is incredible how much residual fear is constantly around me. That something can still go horribly wrong. Then I keep reminding myself that everything can go perfectly right.

On the one hand I am trying to act as if all will be well. But I start to panic when I feel an unusual ache in my side. How will I protect my heart? Damn infertility and all the pain we have to endure.  Will this taint what should be a wonderful experience? I know I don't want it to. So I am going to focus on the now, everyday as my confidence grows and I can start to stretch into the wonder that this is.

Have decided I am going for another beta on Friday at 18dp5dt...yes, for my sanity. And another one on Tuesday at 22dp5dt and then will take it from will be a week after this that I have my first scan.

Monday, March 14, 2011

2nd Beta

And the number is.....


So relieved!

Am now wondering about what this means and if possibly there could be more than one growing? Eeek. This increase means that my hcg levels are doubling every 33 hrs or 1.4 days - the average is for it to double every 48 hours or so.  But then hcg levels vary SO much from person to person and the average bands are so wide that you will only really know when you have the 1st scan!

I begged and pleaded for an early scan, but the Sister said I must wait for 7 weeks and wanted me to make an appointment for 4th April (our anniversary coincidently :) Anyway, I was transferred to the Prof's secretary and she told me that Prof is out of town for 3 weeks from the 30 March, so I asked her to try get me an earlier scan for 29 March - she will ask Prof is okay and confirm with me!!! Am holding thumbs I can get this earlier appointment as I would so love for Prof to do my 1st scan.

My anxiety levels are quite intense and I must consciously try keep calm - a frontal lobotomy for the next 2 months would be awesome....LOL! I may need to go for weekly beta tests just to monitor that they are increasing nicely for my own sanity!

I am so in awe that this might finally be happening for real. Can it be?
What an incredible miracle...

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Thursday, March 10, 2011

1st Beta


Oh wow, what a number.

I never in my wildest dreams expected it to be such a good strong number. I started weeping on the way to test, thinking about what I would do if it came back at 25 or less, remembering my first IVF which started with a low beta and then progressed really well, but ended with a miscarriage - obviously the low first beta was a sign of its possible non-viability. I then wept all the way back home just thinking about how I was going to deal with the possibility of a bad beta and knowing that I had POAS and it only showed a faint line, I was so nervous that it was going to be low.

I knew it would be positive, but how positive...not. Since last week I have been having a real achy uterus and have been feeling a little light-headed at times. I had a strong feeling I was pregnant, but as every IF will tell you, signs mean little against the fear and only facts mean the real thing.

And 264, is a good beta! The Pathcare lab called me first but when I told them I was the patient, they wouldn't give me the results!!! Thank goodness Sr Fourie called me back immediately and told me that I am very pregnant.Of course I wept and wept and wept and then pulled myself together and called DH.

So now, we remain cautious. Cautious and happy. As a hardened infertile, we know too much. We know what can go wrong. We know what does go wrong. How I pray that all will be perfect this time around and that finally this time it will stick and grow and become my baby...

Next step: Beta # see if it has doubled every 48 hours.

I am so in awe.

Monday, March 7, 2011

To POAS or not to POAS

While my DH has asked me not to POAS (pee on a stick) I still cannot help but wonder if I mustn't still do so...just to prepare me for the outcome of Thursday's beta test. One shouldn't really POAS before 9dpt, so in theory I could do this on Wednesday....or, another idea....I could POAS just after going for the beta test...just so I don't fall apart on the phone if it is neg.....

Eish. I simply don't know what to do yet.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Crazies

I am trying to keep the crazies at bay...
It is hard.

Am keeping busy...reading, watching dvd's, outings. Had a great weekend - on Saturday, we went for an evening picnic and swim at Silvermine. So beautiful. Today, we had breakfast and picked roses at Chart Farm. What a find. I am staring at 25 of the most beautiful smelling roses in a large round glass vase...gorgeous.

Swam, read in between.  And now I am busy cooking 2 roast chickens with all the trimmings and a massive cottage pie for meals during the week and tonight...mmmmm....distraction distraction...not enough to keep my stomach out of knots. Oh I wish I could just fast forward to Thursday so at least I know one way or the other...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Embryo Quality

Of course I have been the throes of the crazies of the 2 week wait aaaargh...
Anyway...reading lots about embryo quality and implantation. Our embies would be busy implanting right about now until anytime this weekend...such a strange thought. And it isn't as simple as it sounds.  In fact we were joking on the Fertility Forum about how great it would be if someone would just invent a glue that made embies stick to the endometrium!

Not that easy....It takes a critical dialogue between the embryo and the endometrium before the embryo is attracted to the uterine lining and then adheres before starting to implant. There is so much unknown in this area of IVF and sometimes there is no reason for implantation not to have taken place! 70% of the time, it is due to embryo competence however and often as embryos are transferred on day 3 before reaching blast stage, no-one would know they are not viable. This is why many FS's now wait to see if embryos develop into blasts, as this increases the chance of the embryo being a viable one. They like to select the best looking blasts to transfer as it has been proven to up the odds.

This gets trickier - healthy babies have been born from not that great looking blasts. So while blast quality is a factor it is not always a sure thing. Of course, I wanted to know more about our embryo quality so I emailed our embryologist.  This is what he said in his reply today:

"The embryos were definitely good quality. The expansion of the embryo is described (out of 3, 3 being the best. The inner cell mass (the part that becomes the baby) is described as A, B & C, A being the best.The trophectoderm (the part that becomes the placenta) is described as A, B & C, A being the best.
Your embryos were a 3AB and a 3AB. So they looked great."

I want to relax and just know that a successful implantation will take place. 
That we will get a good strong beta.
That we will have our baby.

How wonderful it would be if it was a sure thing!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

2 On Ice

Just got a call from our are the pics of the actual 2 blasts that were transferred yesterday - how incredible. I can't stop looking at them. They are already a girl or a boy and are either going to carry on growing to become life or not...

And we have 2 more blasts on ice! I was hoping for more, but I always said if we can only get 2 to transfer and 2 to freeze, I will be thrilled.  And I am!!! The 3rd blast was not a great quality and the 4 remaining embryos were too fragmented to freeze...

But 4 blasts from 9 fertilised eggs is fantastic.
I am in awe.