Cancelled on CD8 & Puppy

Yes. My IVF#4 was cancelled on cycle day 8 due to poor follie growth...it seems the low dose Washington Protocol is not going to work with me. I had one dominant 15mm follicle and another smaller 10mm one. Prof said if the gap between them was less, we may have continued, but that if he had to make the call, he would cancel. He did ask me that if I had a feeling we should go on, then we could - he was willing to let me make the decision, but as I said to him, "honestly, I don't have any "feelings" anymore about this journey, so could he please make the decision as it is in hands..." So he made the call. Prof wants to start IVF#4 Take 2 in April - next cycle...he will be changing the protocol back to higher dose stims and he still wants as least 3-4 follicles before proceeding to ER...over to you....

We picked Mala up in Stellenbosch on Saturday - what a little cutie. She was really nervous and trembly for the first while, but is getting more confident by the minute now. The first night I had to sleep on the small bed in her section of our bedroom as she would howl the minute she was left alone. During the night she was whimpering so I pulled her up to lie next to me, and she slept like a log until 7am the next morning...not a peep.

She still howls now when you walk away from her but stops quite quickly especially if she needs a little nap. She loves playing in the garden. Asia is extremely curious and wary of her while Persia has actually come right up to her to sniff her and this morning even slashed poor Mala on the nose. Persia gets freaked out everytime Mala howls and looks at her general direction in horror. Asia is still keeping his distance and hotfoots it if Mala approaches him. As for the two oldies, Aunty Pye and Aunty Lullie, they both look at Mala in disgust.

I hope at least that Persia and Mala become buddies. Am loving the puppy love...

Here is Asia and Persia checking out little Mala...

Gratitude for the Now

Mum's tumour has grown. Doubled its size since chemo stopped. I finally got hold of her oncologist and he was not overly pessimistic saying that for now she is still doing well. He wants to do a course of radiation and focus on keeping it under control and try to shrink it again. There is no definitive answer to what is coming.

Mum had asked me to call her dr with a list of questions as she was really still in a state of shock at the news that the tumour is growing aggressively. But for now, the message is loud and clear - mum must live in the now and focus on each single day, one at a time. Every moment must be treasured and lived fully. By living for what may come, you miss the moment you are in and there may be so much beauty and gratitude in that moment. Her dr told me that this is the lesson people living with cancer learn but one which we should all live by as none of us know what is coming. Wise words.

Yesterday mum in a panic had called on St Jude for help. Not a few minutes later, she read a passage in an article in the paper she was reading about a man waiting for news on a growth that was being tested and how he realised how important it was to live in the now and not to lose even one moment as it may hold so many things to be happy for....and now her Dr had the same message...synchronicity still suprises me and how wonderful for my mum that she knows her St Jude is close to her and listening to her calls for help.

So today and for all the past days of the week and for all future days to come, I have gratitude for now, for living in the now, for coming to the realisation that now is all that is actually important.

So I will take that lesson close to my heart as I wait for my follie scan tomorrow. At my scan on Tuesday, I only have one rather dominant follicle and a couple of real smallies. Prof was wavering about cancelling, but decided to wait until Thursday and relook. So we may have IVF #4 cancelled before we even get to ER... But. I will not worry as I have handed it over...and I am staying in the now...for now.

2009 under review...

A fellow blogger put this together so I decided to do it too...my summary for 2009...

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?
Started blogging, went snorkelling in the Caribbean.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Mmmm, I really really thought 2009 would be the year I became a mother...but that's not really a resolution is it, so let's keep that thought as a wish for 2010. I also want DH and me to spend more weekends away - camping - at least once every two months. I want to keep my Personal Trainer and get more toned that I have ever been in my life and then I want to stay that way. I want to find my health balance - between food and exercise and keep it! I would like to knit more, scrapbook more, paint more, and start on all the creative projects that are waiting for me. I want to keep my food blog going because one day I may write a cookbook. Mmmmm...think that's enough for one year?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
2 Colleagues and one good friend. Torture each time even though they are the sweetest little sausages.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer but she is beating the odds and I pray she stays with us for much longer.

5. What countries did you visit?
We were lucky to combine a work conference in Florida with a trip to Miami and Mexico where we travelled all around the Yucatan Peninsula and saw the Mayan Pyramids, experienced the islands and stunning Caribbean. Part of me was guilty that we spent so much money that could have been kept for IVF but another part of me thought we wouldn't need it! Anyway, NO regrets! And this year, we want to do a trip from Richtersveld across to Southern Namibia, across and through Mata Mata to Kalahari and maybe even up to Botswana...but will have to see what happens...Of course, I would rather fall pregnant...but life cannot stop and adventure calls to me all the time.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Trust that everything will work out in divine timing. Positive thought which I find so very very hard considering all the hard knocks of disappointment. And, finally being pregnant with a healthy baby.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 12 May: Mother's Day as I would have been a mother three times already if I hadn't had such crappy fertility issues. 4 April: Our 11th wedding anniversary at Chichen Itza, Mexico, when my DH gave me the 12th charm for my anniversary charm bracelet and it was a tiny gold engraved penknife as a symbol of me to "cut the cords" to the little souls we have lost - he is such a special man. 26 June: My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. 3 August: My 2nd IVF cycle was cancelled. 4 August: I had an AHA moment of understanding which helped me process what was happening. 2 November: My 3rd IVF cycle was cancelled and egg quality questioned. 9 Dec: Prof gave me a prescription for hope. Gosh was a year!!!!!!!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Loosing 12kgs! Becoming a shareholder in the company I work for. Winning an international marketing award for one of our (me and my team) initiatives.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not going away on more adventures with my DH - we are at our best when it is just the two of us in the bush or mountains or desert.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Had a killer flu for the first time in 4 years. Had toncillitis. Got an eye infection...twice! Had an infestation of ringworm from my kitten and had to take a course of chemotherapy for fungi - great! NOT. For someone who is pretty healthy...I had a crappy year healthwise - maybe due to all the stress!!!!!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new Bengal kitten, Persia....she is simply the most special little kitten ever.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Sharon has my vote too and I cannot tell you how very happy I am that she has little Ava right now and how it all unfolded. Also my DH for putting up with my suppressed positivity and sadness and disappointment - always with a hug, words of compassion and positive affirmations...he always has believed and still does no matter what...I aspire to be like him....

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Anyone who doesn't understand IF and makes frivolous comments about it. If you know someone who is having fertility difficulties, then go find out about it or ask before making silly comments!!!!

14. Where did most of your money go?
USA and Mexico trip....and two IVF's.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting my new kitten. My sister getting engaged. The trip to Mexico!!!!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
We are the People by Empire of the Sun.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer? a) happier (I am determined to stay in a good space this year) b) thinner (woohoo and I am determined to stay that way!) and c) richer (I am putting this out there as I need as much dosh as I can get for IVF's 4, 5, 6, 7... but hopefully I won't!)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Just letting things be. Expressing how much I love my DH - yes exactly like that you naughty readers! Spending quality time with my mum. Having more adventures! Doing completely new things...

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying, complaining, criticising, controlling.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my mum and sisters for the first time in 5 years....very special.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yes, with my kitten Persia. And with my husband again and again.

22. What was your favourite TV program?
Like SO Greys Anatomy (starting again Jan - YEEHA) and also Private Practice and Brothers & sisters!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word and I don't like using it.

24. What was the best book you read?
Definitely the Millenium Trilogy! And yes....I was also caught up and engrossed in the Twilight series!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Empire of the Sun and MGMT.

26. What did you want and get?
A chef's knife - my favourite xmas pressie!

27. What did you want and not get?
My baby...but he is coming...

28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Most definitely and undoubtedly it was AVATAR in 3D - WOW WOW WOW WOW - my first 3D experience and what a brilliant movie!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 36, reluctantly....really do not feel closer to 40 than 30! We went away to a private spot with a secluded rock pool in the Cederberg and spent most of the weekend kaalgat - bliss!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Agree with Mommyinwaiting...if my IF treatment had just worked so no more pain, sadness, money, emotions etc would need to be wasted...

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Tad hard to be keeping up with fashion when you have to wear a uniform to work in black and stone EVERYDAY! (our CEO's great idea...NOT). So my style leans towards jeans, t-shirts, cargo pants on weekends.

32. What kept you sane?
My DH. The great women on fertilicare and my good friends. My animals which bring such wonderful and unconditional love to us everyday.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Mmmmm....really can't think of one!

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Try not to let politics stir me...but any cock-ups with health and education make me sad - seeing the state of the hospitals and lack of funding is absolutely shocking.

35. Who did you miss?
I still miss my old BF who hasn't made contact with me even though she lives in CT. I worry about her and think about her often but it seems she is leading a different life now and doesn't need our friendship. She has two kids. I have tried to get in touch but nothing really comes from it...very sad. I have decided to let her go. I also really miss my BBBF and cousin who I do not get to see often enough as she lives in Mossel Bay.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Didn't really meet anyone new but have made special connections with some of the amazing Fertilicare women - would like to meet some of them soon!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
That everything happens exactly as it should. Without believing this, I would go insane.

Thanks to Mommyinwaiting for the above...if anyone else reads this and decides to do it too, please leave a comment with your blog link so I can read yours xxx

Time out

My worst nightmare since starting out this journey 11 years ago, is starting to happen. Even my FS's are starting to give up on me. Yes. The words I hoped I would never have to listen to were said this morning. Poor egg quality.

My 36 year old eggs seem to be way older than their years. The Prof is on a conference and Dr S has been looking after me this cycle. He is puzzled as I have been pregnant with two ectopics (both would have been viable pregnancies if in my uterus) and with the first IVF (later m/c). But even on the first IVF my embryo quality was not great. In the past two cycles, I have only produced grade 2 and 3 embryos - slow developing and haven't even grown past a 7 cell on day 6. He feels this means that my egg quality has gone downhill fast, and I face the odds as not only am I a poor responder, now my egg quality doesn't look that hot at all.

This means that I could do cycle after cycle, getting only 2 or 3 eggs of poor quality and hope each time that perhaps, just maybe one good one squeezes through. Just the path I was hoping wouldn't be mine. He started chatting about egg donors and even adoption. I so wanted our baby - you all know what I mean - my eyes, my toes. I keep thinking about the ectopics and how close we got. And how unfair it all is. Just because of an infection I got when I was 19 resulted in damaged tubes that cannot carry an embryo to it's resting place. Now because of all the wasted time trying, my eggs seem to be on a time out.

How do you give up your DNA? How do I go down that road now? How do I accept that I could never say "you look like me when I was small"?

I am not sure what to do now. Maybe try one or two more cycles next year? Dr S also suggested that we do very low stims and monitor progress and perhaps cancel before retrieval if follicle count not good. But he agrees the odds are against us and suggests we think through all the options.

For now, I will rest my weary mind and punctured body.

First scan and follie time again

Went for first scan on Thursday, CD8, day 6 of stimming...

Seem to be about 6 follies on RHS and about 3 follies on LHS but only one is 14mm and the rest are all still small - to be expected I think. Really hope that I don't land up stimming again for 15 days!!!

Last time on CD10, day 9 of stims, I had 3 follies on the LHS and 5 follies on the RHS all about 11mm only. By CD13, three had grown to 15mm, 13mm and 12mm so stims continued. On CD16, there seemed to be 5 follies in the lead only at 18mm, 16mm,15mm,14mm and 11mm...and we went to retrieval getting only 4 mature eggs. One fertilised on its own, 3 were ICSI'd. Only 1 of these carried on growing but didn't make it and on day 5 it had stopped growing and ET was cancelled. I am really hoping to have better results this time. Hoping hoping hoping.

Here's a comparison on stims and cycle - will fill in as I go to keep track:

July:
CD2 - 3 x Femara tabs
CD3 - 3 x Femara tabs / 4 amps Menopur
CD4 - 3 x Femara tabs / 3 amps Menopur
CD5 - 3 x Femara tabs
CD6 - 3 x Fenara tabs / 4 amps Menopur & Scan
CD7 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Fostimon
CD8 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Cetrotide
CD9 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Cetrotide
CD10 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Fostimon & 4 day Cetrotide & Scan
CD11 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Fostimon
CD12 - 2 amps Menopur
CD13 - 2 amps Menopur & Scan
CD14 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 x Cetrotide
CD15 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 x Cetrotide
CD16 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 x Cetrotide & Scan & Trigger in the pm
CD17 - No meds
CD18 - Aspiration = 4 eggs
CD19 - One fertilised, rescue ICSI on 3
CD20 - One stopped, 1 out of 3 fertilised
CD 21 - The 1 embie stopped
CD22 - The 1 embie started again
CD23 - The 1 embie stopped again and ET cancelled

October:
CD2 - No stims & Scan
CD3 - 2 amps Menopur / 150 Gonal F
CD4 - 2 amps Menopur / 150 Gonal F
CD5 - 2 amps Menopur
CD6 - 2 amps Menopur
CD7 - 2 amps Menopur
CD8 - 2 amps Menopur & Scan
CD9 - 2 amps Menopur / 3 day Cetrotide
CD10 - 2 amps Menopur
CD11 - 2 amps Menopur
CD12 - Scan - 2x 13mm follies on RHS and 2x 20-22mm follies, 1 x16mm on LHS!!! / 2 Menopur & Trigger shot at 11pm
CD13 - No meds
CD14 - Aspiration = 3 Eggs (!!!???)
CD15 - One egg fertilised. Waiting to see if immature one matures & fertilises
CD16 - Immature egg fertilised. First egg divided.
CD17 - First egg only a 5 cell on day 3 (should be 8 cell). Second egg stopped.
CD18 - First egg still only 5 cell :(. Second egg started diving again and is now a 4 cell...
CD19 - Going in at 11am and praying there is something to transfer

My ovaries have been twinging much more than last time and I feel really bloated. But am also feeling more detached than last time - maybe for my protection, maybe I am just feeling veteran!

Next scan is on Monday which will be CD12 and day 10 of stims, to see how things are progressing. Peace and love to my follies!

We are getting a new kitten!!!!! Yes, another bengal. She is a marble patterned bengal and is only 6 weeks old, so we have to wait a few weeks before we can fetch her. Her name is Persia Halo. I will post a pic soon.

Consolation prize? Time will tell.
PS: Added later....this is feeling like deja-vu damnit

My Prof's Secret Recipe

This is what you want to see in your ovaries when you are on an IVF cycle...many big and happy follies! (This is not my ovary btw but it would be great if they looked like this at day 13!!!)

Went for my CD6 (6th day of my cycle) scan yesterday morning....went okay but had a hilarious experience with the sister...!!!

The scan showed 6 follicles on the LHS and 1 on the RHS - still very small obviously as they would be on day 6, so they still need to grow lots. I also have a cyst from last month's ovulation on the RHS which they will keep an eye on. My FS (Ferility Specialist) aka Prof, asked if I had already taken the Menopur (Menopur stimulates the development of follicles) injection that morning and I said yes. He then prescribed a Fostimon (also a super follicle stimulation shot) injection for after the consult, 2 amps Menopur and 1 amp Fostimon on Sat (that's 2 injections!!!) and 2 amps Menopur and 1 amp Cetrotide (this inhibits ovulation and keeps the follicles in the ovary so they can be grabbed later) on Sunday and Monday (Again 2 injections each day!!! Thank goodness for my Dr DH!)....eeeeeeeeeeeeek

Then I go for the next scan on Tuesday to see what's cooking.
The Prof also suggested that I talk to my follies and ask them to grow.....LOL!

Anyway, so off I go to the sister who is getting everything ready. She injects what she thinks is the Fostimon and then is about to give me another injection! I ask her why she is giving me 2 injections and she says she is giving me the 2 Menopur for that morning!!! So I say heck no, I have already had that injection and that I had told the Prof that! So there she is holding the injection in the air and we are looking at each other in disbelief, not knowing whether she has given me the Menpopur or Fostimon and not sure what to do!!!

I had joked only a few minutes before saying that it seems like I am on the Prof's Secret Recipe! So I burst out laughing and told her I want a credit for the 2 extra amps of Menopur! She called the Prof who also found the situation amusing (in the way only a dr can) and he said, give her the shot, it won't go to waste - who knows this may just be the winning combination! So you never know...we will see!

So on Friday I had in total 4 amps Menopur, 1 amp Fostimon and 3 Femara tabs! Hoping this is the boost my little follies need!

Rather amusing hey...of course if this cycle doesn't work I am still going to ask for my credit LOL!

On the down side, tests came back showing that my AMH levels are a little silly 1.1 which is on the border of pretty useless. Less that 1.1 usually indicates poor response to IVF / failed IVF (AMH = Anti-Mullerian Hormone, which shows a one's primordial reserve of eggs basically).

But my FSH is good at 4.2. Also my antiphospholipid tests came back which looked into if I have any lupus anticoagulant which usually interferes with the embryo / causes blood clots with the placenta etc - they use this test with repeated m/c's and it is ALL GOOD - no worries there...

So still feeling very positive about this cycle...grow little follies grow!!!

And so IVF #2 begins

It is time. My period arrived this morning and so IVF round 2 finally begins.

I will be sharing my journey here instead of talking about it. Better that way. Better than dragging all who care along the ups and downs of an IVF cycle. Which under consideration by those around you, no matter how well meaning, sits thinly on the reality of the excitement, hope, expectation, fear, joy, disappointments and sadness you experience. And silly really when it is an opt-in procedure - you "asked" for it. Well...we did and DH (dear husband) and me are really positive this time around.

So I pray for a really fantastic cyle with lots of lovely follies (follicles), then embies (embryos), a smooth retrieval and transfer and our long-awaited BFP (big fat positive). I will be using the infertility lingo along the way, explanations in brackets for the fertile...

My protocol (stimulation meds) is as follows:
CD 2 (CD = cycle day) = 3 x Femara tabs
CD 3 = 3 x Femara tabs, 4 amps Menopur (injected into stomach courtesy of DH, who was a medic in the army and since has used his old injecting skills on me! He is so fab really!)
CD 4 = 3 x Femara tabs, 3 amps Menopur
CD 5 = 3 x Femara tabs
CD 6 = 3 x Femara tabs, 2 amps Menopur & scan to assess follies

Wish us luck.

Asia Sky Lightning Claw

Our little furbaby, my consolation prize in case my first IVF attempt failed. It did and he is.

Asia Sky is his official pedigree name - a Bengal cat descendant of Asian Leopard Cats of note. He has grown so very much but won't sit still long enough for me to take a new picture. Here he is as a 3 month old kitten, drinking water from the tap (only way he will drink water!) and killing his "Leppy" (toy leopard) and now as a teen lying on my lap. He is on top teen form with rebellious antics, mock fighting, pushing the boundaries and all that teen sort of behaviour one would expect from a human child.

What a cutie. What a character. The addition to his name, "lightning claw" came from bad behaviour at a very young age. When he arrived, he could fit into the palm of my hand and at only 8 weeks old his hunting instincts were extremely well established! His eyes would literally narrow, take on a red mist of aggression and he would launch into attack mode. Demon kitten. He would lash out with unfurled claw at the very hand he fit into so perfectly. At the hand that fed him!

Now, a teen, he is slightly less interested in killing my hand. But DH gets mauled more often. Still, little Asia does seem to hang out with him more - boys with boys I suppose.

I am seriously thinking about getting him a sister, another Bengal and I will call her Persia. (Pur-sia). But I will wait until my next IVF and she can be my next consolation prize if it doesn't work out. It better work soon though or I may land up being called the "cat lady"!