Finn & Rebecca

Finn & Rebecca

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A little subdued

I am feeling a little subdued. Somewhat quietened. Still and un-wordy. Silly and sad. So I am calling on time to dull this mood so I can write again.

Will try keep to Saturday updates...when time is on my side again...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

It's over

My worst fear just happened. Clinic called to say bad news - the last embie did not divide again overnight, so not looking good at all. It has also probably stopped developing. Looks like the end of the road for me on this cycle.

Have an appointment tomorrow at 12pm to discuss POA.

All that money and hope down the drain. 16 Days of stimming for nothing.
Gosh, this process is not for the faint-hearted. And yes, I know if you get a BFP it is all worth it. But we didn't so I am wallowing in self pity and disappointment right now.

Would I rather have ended my cycle here or waited 2 weeks? Would the embie have made it if I had put it back on day 3? Would I have had a better fertilisation rate if all had been ICSI'd upfront? Would could should...

Useless and helpless and sad. Part of me wants to give up - I mean what is the lesson in this? Perhaps I should accept my reality instead of pushing against it even if it feels like something we should be doing?

Adding to this sadness is the fact that my sister and my niece left yesterday to move to Pretoria leaving a wide open hole in my heart. My niece has been near me since she was 8 months old. Now 4, I am going to miss her so much. I have felt responsible for my sister since childhood and felt needed by her during our youth and again in the past few years. That is now gone too.

On Tuesday I will drive to Knysna to spend time with my I wish it had been with good news to share at the end of the trip. But it is not too be.

Yes, this too shall pass.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Hope is dwindling

Our frontrunning so-called great embie has stopped growing. What a way to start a Saturday. With the call that cuts through your hope and makes that feeling of dread and hopelessness stick in your throat.

The other embie that was rescued with ICSI is still dividing and looks good but who knows what will happen to that one. I know you are meant to stay positive but it is a little difficult when nothing goes according to plan. Now I am aware of putting the reality into prespective (yes....worse things have happened, it could be worse, etc etc), but trust me, any hope that is heartfelt and sincere hurts when it is ripped away.

And so we wait for the call tomorrow when we will hear what has happened to little embie 2. Is he a fighter? Will we still make it to transfer on Monday? I must admit I am feeling helpless and useless and while that is not a natural state for me, it is where I am right now.

I even did a search on "life being childless" and didn't find anything inspirational at all. I can not come to terms with this possibility - it is just not what I saw for my journey in this lifetime. And as for that saying "it is not the destination, it is the journey"....whatever. Those words of wisdom suck right now....