Persia Halo

Introducing Glitterkatz Persia Halo

My consolation prize after all...introducing the newest member of our family....Persia Halo.

Persia is Asia's cousin a couple of times removed! She comes from the same Bengal breeder and they share a grandmother/ great grandmother. We got to see her - she is a F2 so still very Asian Leopard cat and oh so wild. The breeder also had some amazing silver Bengals, but they were all sold. In any case, we really can't get more than 4 cats! Enough animals for now?

Persia is a beauty. She is a brown marbled Bengal and has lots of glitter fur already (shiny golden hairs that glisten in the light). She has a special gold spot on her back and a pyramid on her neck and of course the Bengal spots on her tummy. I think her adult fur will be spectacular. She spent her first week in our bedroom and has been very good until last night when she decided it was playtime at 5am....mmmmm.....

We introduced her to Asia today. At first he was most disgruntled but extremely curious. He spent the morning observing her, growling, mock-charging and checking her out. Persia is quite brave but mewls at him. As I write this, Asia is changing tactic and seems to be trying out a more playful approach. Persia is not so sure about this and is ducking under tables with a squirrel tail. In a couple of days I am sure they will be playing up a storm.

We picked her up on the way back from Knysna. Was great to see mum feeling so well. I am so proud of how she is coping with this illness and I am constantly sending her strength and healing light.

Have been feeling a lot of anxiety since my cancelled cycle - all sorts of imagery and fearful thoughts keep invading my peace of mind - very unwelcome actually. This mirrors my dull state of the moment. My energy levels are low and I find myself listless and a little detached. Had a really bad week with AF at its worst and most painful as well as an incessant headache I couldn't shake. Whether delay tactics or masking my real anxiety or oh whatever.

I do think about it every now and then and I do not know what to do next. I think we need to go speak to the Prof and take it from there. The thought that this journey seems never-ending is wearing me down. Perhaps it is time to give it up even though it feels so wrong. Have been sorting through old photo's and folders today....seeing all the family children growing....seeing the love...seeing the smiles....seeing what we don't have....thinking if I can do it without my DNA....wondering if even that will work....wondering what I will do if it doesn't....not thinking, thinking, not thinking.

I am going to see a medical intuitive on Thursday - perhaps she can shed some light on my physical manifestations and inspire some hope? I hope. Holding onto hope. And in the meantime, I bless all the good things in my life and most especially the love with my so very special DH.

Time out

My worst nightmare since starting out this journey 11 years ago, is starting to happen. Even my FS's are starting to give up on me. Yes. The words I hoped I would never have to listen to were said this morning. Poor egg quality.

My 36 year old eggs seem to be way older than their years. The Prof is on a conference and Dr S has been looking after me this cycle. He is puzzled as I have been pregnant with two ectopics (both would have been viable pregnancies if in my uterus) and with the first IVF (later m/c). But even on the first IVF my embryo quality was not great. In the past two cycles, I have only produced grade 2 and 3 embryos - slow developing and haven't even grown past a 7 cell on day 6. He feels this means that my egg quality has gone downhill fast, and I face the odds as not only am I a poor responder, now my egg quality doesn't look that hot at all.

This means that I could do cycle after cycle, getting only 2 or 3 eggs of poor quality and hope each time that perhaps, just maybe one good one squeezes through. Just the path I was hoping wouldn't be mine. He started chatting about egg donors and even adoption. I so wanted our baby - you all know what I mean - my eyes, my toes. I keep thinking about the ectopics and how close we got. And how unfair it all is. Just because of an infection I got when I was 19 resulted in damaged tubes that cannot carry an embryo to it's resting place. Now because of all the wasted time trying, my eggs seem to be on a time out.

How do you give up your DNA? How do I go down that road now? How do I accept that I could never say "you look like me when I was small"?

I am not sure what to do now. Maybe try one or two more cycles next year? Dr S also suggested that we do very low stims and monitor progress and perhaps cancel before retrieval if follicle count not good. But he agrees the odds are against us and suggests we think through all the options.

For now, I will rest my weary mind and punctured body.

What will be will be

I keep telling myself, what will be will be.

On Wednesday I went under aneasthetic for follicle aspiration. We retrieved 3 eggs - 2 mature and 1 immature. Had to wait 24 hours before first fert report on Thursday. I asked DH to call as I had an owners meeting and couldn't bear the thought of having bad news before being harrassed by the new CEO, who is a bit of a tosser. But...I couldn't wait and sent DH frantic smses to just tell me if it was good or bad news. Instead of indulging my need for skimpy information, he waited an hour before calling me to tell me that only one of the two mature eggs had fertilised and they were waiting for the immature egg to mature and would then fertilise it. Okay...so not great but not too bad...I can hang in the hope camp.

On Friday, again I couldn't make the call. DH found out the news and emailed me. The fertilised eggie had divided and the immature eggie had matured and fertilised. Good news. Great, we stay put in the hope camp.

During retrieval, the anesthetist had popped in for a visit and asked if I was a good hen. I replied, "no, not really". DH added, we are going for free range and grain fed eggs! LOL. So I have named the embies "Free-range" (the first one to fertilise and divide) and the second embryo "Grain-fed" (as he needed a little more nutrition to get going).

On Saturday, we were having breakfast at the Olive Station and my cell rang. I answered. Sister Fourie told me that Grain-fed had not divided. Free range was now a 5 cell embryo, but on day 3 they would like to see an 8 cell. She said that she would call again on Sunday and if all is well, we will do a Monday embryo transfer. If all is well. If. If. If. It has to be well.

Sunday....am waiting for the call.....

The call came at 11.11am.

Free-range is still only a 5 cell. Not good. And Grain-fed started growing and is a 4 cell. Mmmm. This is starting to feel like deja-vu.

I am to go in tomorrow at 11am and if Grain-fed has grown I presume they will want to do the transfer. If the embies have not grown, I leave again with another cancelled cycle.

Not really sure what to do now. Not sure what we will do if this is cancelled again. Maybe it is time to call it a day and let what is to be, be.

Peaceful and positive

Went for scan yesterday and at first I didn't want to look at the monitor. When the FS said, "oh that is a disadvantage", I almost fell off the bed with disbelief. So I looked. I had to. And there on the RHS were three small follies - 13-14mm each. WTF? And then moving over to the LHS, 2 huge follies at 20-22mm already, were smiling at us saying "woohoo, we are ready!" How does that happen? How do these little follies change their minds so radically for no apparent reason and decide to grow on a whim while some just lag behind? So FS decided on the spot to give me the trigger shot that night and to move to ER on Wednesday so as not to potentially lose the two front-runners. He added that he was concerned they would become post-mature...oh great.

So there I sat outside the scan room waiting for meds, and my ole fave FS walks past and asks me "How are you doing?". And what do I do?...Promptly burst into tears and spluttered out "There are only twoooooooo...". He must have regretted asking me that question - but don't men know not to ask that by now and FS's especially - you are just asking for an emotional outburst if things are not that great!!! Anyway, as I choked on my tears, he says to me "Camilla, you have been pregnant before. We only need one".

Only one.

The fear closed in and negativity covered me in a hard shell so quickly that I almost wrote the entire cycle off there and then. I have been here before and I know the ending.

Later that evening I met with one of my intuition course friends and after a great chat, I realised that I simply cannot give into the darkness. She gave me Louise Hay's CD "How to heal your life" which is an extension from the book with all the top metaphysical authors speaking about how to change your life through chosing to change, be positive, live with affirmations etc. I realised that I cannot give up before I have even started, fear or no fear. I will acknowledge the fear and then move into the light. Anything is perfectly possible. Right now. If I don't truly believe this how can I create it?

So, I am back in a positive space and I plan to stay here no matter what.

Because all you need is one.

First scan and follie time again

Went for first scan on Thursday, CD8, day 6 of stimming...

Seem to be about 6 follies on RHS and about 3 follies on LHS but only one is 14mm and the rest are all still small - to be expected I think. Really hope that I don't land up stimming again for 15 days!!!

Last time on CD10, day 9 of stims, I had 3 follies on the LHS and 5 follies on the RHS all about 11mm only. By CD13, three had grown to 15mm, 13mm and 12mm so stims continued. On CD16, there seemed to be 5 follies in the lead only at 18mm, 16mm,15mm,14mm and 11mm...and we went to retrieval getting only 4 mature eggs. One fertilised on its own, 3 were ICSI'd. Only 1 of these carried on growing but didn't make it and on day 5 it had stopped growing and ET was cancelled. I am really hoping to have better results this time. Hoping hoping hoping.

Here's a comparison on stims and cycle - will fill in as I go to keep track:

July:
CD2 - 3 x Femara tabs
CD3 - 3 x Femara tabs / 4 amps Menopur
CD4 - 3 x Femara tabs / 3 amps Menopur
CD5 - 3 x Femara tabs
CD6 - 3 x Fenara tabs / 4 amps Menopur & Scan
CD7 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Fostimon
CD8 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Cetrotide
CD9 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Cetrotide
CD10 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Fostimon & 4 day Cetrotide & Scan
CD11 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 amps Fostimon
CD12 - 2 amps Menopur
CD13 - 2 amps Menopur & Scan
CD14 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 x Cetrotide
CD15 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 x Cetrotide
CD16 - 2 amps Menopur / 1 x Cetrotide & Scan & Trigger in the pm
CD17 - No meds
CD18 - Aspiration = 4 eggs
CD19 - One fertilised, rescue ICSI on 3
CD20 - One stopped, 1 out of 3 fertilised
CD 21 - The 1 embie stopped
CD22 - The 1 embie started again
CD23 - The 1 embie stopped again and ET cancelled

October:
CD2 - No stims & Scan
CD3 - 2 amps Menopur / 150 Gonal F
CD4 - 2 amps Menopur / 150 Gonal F
CD5 - 2 amps Menopur
CD6 - 2 amps Menopur
CD7 - 2 amps Menopur
CD8 - 2 amps Menopur & Scan
CD9 - 2 amps Menopur / 3 day Cetrotide
CD10 - 2 amps Menopur
CD11 - 2 amps Menopur
CD12 - Scan - 2x 13mm follies on RHS and 2x 20-22mm follies, 1 x16mm on LHS!!! / 2 Menopur & Trigger shot at 11pm
CD13 - No meds
CD14 - Aspiration = 3 Eggs (!!!???)
CD15 - One egg fertilised. Waiting to see if immature one matures & fertilises
CD16 - Immature egg fertilised. First egg divided.
CD17 - First egg only a 5 cell on day 3 (should be 8 cell). Second egg stopped.
CD18 - First egg still only 5 cell :(. Second egg started diving again and is now a 4 cell...
CD19 - Going in at 11am and praying there is something to transfer

My ovaries have been twinging much more than last time and I feel really bloated. But am also feeling more detached than last time - maybe for my protection, maybe I am just feeling veteran!

Next scan is on Monday which will be CD12 and day 10 of stims, to see how things are progressing. Peace and love to my follies!

We are getting a new kitten!!!!! Yes, another bengal. She is a marble patterned bengal and is only 6 weeks old, so we have to wait a few weeks before we can fetch her. Her name is Persia Halo. I will post a pic soon.

Consolation prize? Time will tell.
PS: Added later....this is feeling like deja-vu damnit

Neroli is in heaven

Our tortoise, Neroli, is in heaven. Well, her idea of heaven that is. Our flourishing veggie garden above. Filled with sprouting lettuces, spinach, carrots, baby marrows and other irresistible greens. And she is allowed to roam free along the furrows and dips between the beds of tortoise treasure.

She is only 10cm big however. So damage to the crops is minimal. We are not worried. Neroli is an angulate tortoise and who knows how she found her way into our garden, but for now we will leave her in paradise.

I inspected some of the patty pan plants earlier and see that their flowers are full of strange looking bugs with long back legs. Having chosen to go completely organic, we have not yet resorted to home-remedies for natural ways to curb manic insects intent on demolishing our future pickings. Not even the odd beer-trap. If we do, we will have to keep Neroli in mind as falling into a beer trap would not be pleasant for a little tortoise.

I am also avoiding the beer trap again.

Yes, I am cycling...day 1 today on stims for IVF # 3. We have a new gadget to inject FSH with - a fancy Gonal F Pen. Took some figuring out though and DH had to stab me 3 times before the dosage was actually successful. The first time, we hadn't pulled up the pen's clicker thingy. The second time, we didn't click in enough for the proper amount. The last time, to get it right. LOL.

I admit I am not feeling as heightened a sense of excitement or positive power as the last time. Maybe better. I don't think I want any expectations this time. While I am an enthusiastic participant who would love for everything just to fall into place perfectly, what will be will be. It is just so.

No dwelling on the what if's and but what's.

A peaceful approach. A quietly committed amble.

And hopefully not down the garden path...

Asia is 1 years old!

Little Asia Sky Lightning Claw, our Foundation 1 Bengal kitten turned one years old in September! He is now a full-on teen in kitten years and what a character!

He doesn't shower with us anymore but he still only drinks water from a running tap! He has eeked his way into all of our hearts either loved madly or loved partly or hated completely depending on which relationship we are talking about. By us and Savannah, our Alsation cross Ridgeback/Irish Wolfhound, he is loved madly. By his elderly aunty cats, it is the two latters.

Playing with Aunty Savannah...Grrr looks like Sav is going to eat Asia...but they are just playing!

Tallulah, the eldest, our 14 year old tabby abhors him and hisses aggressively whenever he comes near. She then makes the fatal mistake of running away which he cannot resist and inevitably he then springs on her from the rear, which results in a whole lot of growling and hissing and spitting. Mmm, definitely no love lost there. Which is sad really as all he wants is a little love in return.

Tallulah's daughter, Pye, our 13 year old tabby, has made a kind of pact with him. She hates him when he leap attacks her but when he is calm, he is welcome. Here is a picture of the two of them during a rare peace pact, showing an unusual display of acceptance and affection. This does not happen often though as usually he is in full play mode launching mock attacks whenever he sees either of his "aunties". We are thinking about getting another Bengal and calling her Persia...if one is such a little handful, two will be a riot!

News of the moment is that he has a pet rat which I have nicknamed "Ratatouille" after the movie version. He brought the rat inside but instead of killing it, he plays with it now and then - usually at 3am.

This is one clever rat as all of our traps have so far failed. So, for now we are cursed with a rat in the kitchen....fabulous!