Faith and trust

I am not going to fight it. I am giving in to what comes.

If we have to go donor, then that is what we are going to do - we both still believe that we should carry on, and take the best shot at having a healthy baby as soon as possible. I will be meeting with the Prof soon, and we will have a POA to take us into the new year - 2011 will be the year of our miracle.

BFN

BFN stands for BIG FAT NEGATIVE in the lingo of an IF.

Seems as if I have run out of time for my DNA to procreate.

And yet we had two perfectly healthy conceptions just years ago...just in the wrong place. How close.

I am trying not to question how this child will come to me while mourning the loss of all that goes with saying farewell to my sentimental ideal.

Sad and tired.

2 More sleeps...

Until I know...

I have no idea what to expect.

I want to be positive.

It is time.

I am tired.

I might POAS on Thursday morning before the blood test just so I am prepared...eish.

Back on board the mothership # 2

So we have two embies back on board the mothership! I was so ready for bad news when I got there - you know I have had my share of it and started slipping on the steep hill of positivity and all that! Anyway, the 4 cell embie stopped dividing yesterday and the 3 cell had divided to a 6 cell - so we thought they would only pop that one back. The grade of the 6 cell was 4 out of 5 and whereas I thought this was badly fragmented - turns out it is actually great as 5 is the best and 1 the worst - yeah!

For those of you who haven't experienced an embryo transfer - it really is the most surreal experience...There you lie with your legs in stirrups, barely draped with a cloth and nether regions on full display under the glare of operating lights.  The doctor is sitting in front of this all...then inserts the speculum, peering at your cervix, the embryologist hovers close by and the sister pushes the scanner into your stomach (my uterus proves difficult to find!?) Then your cervix is washed, a quick trial transfer is carried out while the embryologist loads up the embryos and then quickly the dr transfers them to hopefully a great spot in the uterus!  All to the sound of seemingly elevator music and the hum of the lab. Then you are rolled off onto a bed and must stay put for an hour or so before being let free into the dreaded 2 week wait! Anyway, the dr wanted to put back both embies as he has had a case where a woman actually had a viable pregnancy from an embryo that had stopped dividing!  It actually started again in utero!  So back went both!!!

In 6 IVF's, this is only the second time I have actually gone ahead to transfer as we usually wait for day 5. I want to believe that at least one of these embies is going to make it this time.

So that is where we are...the 2 week wait. I cannot help but fear my embies don't make it but my heart is so calling for the miracle which is finally to be mine...

Blood test: 11th November!

The adventure of IVF #6...so far

So went in for egg retrieval on Friday. Got 4 eggs. Prof wanted to see me before I left the clinic so went in to see him - he wanted to run an idea past me - to split them into 2 batches of 2 and to IVF fertilise 2 and to ICSI the other  2. I agreed. Then he suggested that as this is my last shot, we should just do a day 3 transfer. What was quite strange is that I had been thinking exactly the same thing, so I agreed instantly - while science dictates that the embryos are happier in the lab medium which is closer to the fallopian tube environment and that if an embryo doesn't make it to blast then it would never be viable anyway...a small part of me believes that possibly embies are happier in the human body sooner than later.

That evening I had a call from the embryologist who told me that Prof had asked him to fill me in on my eggs...of course the first thing I thought was...it is all over. Then he told me that of the 2 put aside to IVF fertilise, they were both immature. So he looked at the other 2 and couldn't see the polar bodies meaning they could also be immature. So he stripped them and then saw that the 2 were mature. Later that day a 3rd egg matured, so he wanted me to know that he was going to ICSI all 3. Whew, at least it wasn't over.

The next day...waiting waiting for the fertilisation report. I finally phoned the sister. Only 2 eggs fertilised.

Sunday...waiting for the phone to ring...sister called...1 embryo has made it to a 4 cell and the other a 3 cell, both with stage 4 fragmentation (which if you torment yourself googling will know that the more fragmentation the worse...so this is not great). Then she tells me to be at the clinic at 11am on Monday for transfer.

So now, I wait to leave for the clinic. I do not know if my embies are good enough to transfer. I do not know what lies ahead - good news or bad.  I have been here before. It is hard. This is supposed to be my last shot with my eggs and I am praying so much that one magical perfect egg makes this dream real.