New directions...

A couple of things happened over the past couple of weeks to put my mind at ease and to reinforce my positivity and sense of purpose on this journey. I went to see a medium. I went to see my Prof. And then I went to see my intuition teacher who also does readings. It was a roadtrip of revelation. Each substantiating the other. All giving me peace and positivity.

My purpose for going to the medium was specifically to see if I could reach my mother in spirit. I got so much more than I expected and there was no doubt that mum was there and communicating with me. Without going into specifics, there was complete knowing that it was her due to the precise details she mentioned. I was completely blown away by the detail and the depth of the information coming to me. And how happy I felt knowing that she is okay and finding her way around her spirit home. Yes, there is a little soul waiting patiently for me and physically I will not be able to have a baby unless I use a donor. They also didn't believe that I would use my sister's egg as I need a stronger, younger egg for this to work and they see this from another donor. I have had to go through this long challenging path as I was not really ready and for some reason, I needed to learn all I have to become the mother I am needed to be. Her guides explained that it will still very much be my baby and all I need is the matter to start the process (donor egg), but that I will nurture and create the baby completely and will feel an immediate soul connection on implantation. This is exactly how it is supposed to be.

The peace I felt from hearing this was like being drenched in warm loving light.

Then,  I went to see my Prof and he recommended we go for as young a donor as we can to ensure success. We chatted a little about epigenics, which is ground-breaking research into genetics and dna where it has been proven that lifestyle can change your genetic destiny completely. So as the biological mother, this means everything! As the genetic source (a combination of genes from the egg and sperm) will implant in my body to grow, my body will feed it, stimulate it, my sub-conscious will send ideas and thoughts to it...all contributing to the creation of that baby. As the baby grows in me, those influences may have a direct bearing on how the baby develops. Those influences may contribute to the switching on of specific genes over others. There are epigenic marks which sit on top of your genes, and these determine whether the gene is activated or not. So lifestyle and other influences have a direct bearing on this. This is exciting new science which is completely changing they way we think about genetics and affirms that your dna isn't your destiny. There is more on this fascinating research in Bruce Lipton's "The Biology of Belief".


Anyway, we are on the same page now. And Prof wants to try match us himself to one of their donors. So the plan is as follows...we are going to proceed with an anon donor.


Prof will start looking at the donors already registered with their clinic. He feels that it is important he gets a feeling from knowing me and then meeting the donor to see who would be a best match for me. He wanted to know more about how I was in matric as he believes that after this we can be moulded in many different directions depending on the situation, but that in matric we are at the peak of our potential. We chatted a bit about what our most important criteria are in choosing the genetic contribution to what will become our baby. I told him that she needs to be a similiar look and height to me, preferably blue or green eyes and that she had to be bright! He promised to call me on 2 December with this selection and to chat about the next step. We are hoping to do a Feb, Mar, Apr or May cycle!!!!

The third visit was with Michelle, my intuition teacher and a skilled intuitive in her own right. While she knows me and has been part of the last 4 years of this journey, I felt it was time to come full circle with a reading from her. And it was amazing.  Again, everything her guides told her was in complete synchronicity with the messages I had already received. And she added even more insight, bringing to a close at last, my desire to understand why I have had to endure such anguish trying to have a baby.

Everything now points to this outcome with absolute certainty and I am completely at peace with our new direction. My fears of not co-creating our genetic child are fading and I am instead excited at the prospect of welcoming the child that was always supposed to come to me...just in a different and special way!

Faith and trust

I am not going to fight it. I am giving in to what comes.

If we have to go donor, then that is what we are going to do - we both still believe that we should carry on, and take the best shot at having a healthy baby as soon as possible. I will be meeting with the Prof soon, and we will have a POA to take us into the new year - 2011 will be the year of our miracle.

BFN

BFN stands for BIG FAT NEGATIVE in the lingo of an IF.

Seems as if I have run out of time for my DNA to procreate.

And yet we had two perfectly healthy conceptions just years ago...just in the wrong place. How close.

I am trying not to question how this child will come to me while mourning the loss of all that goes with saying farewell to my sentimental ideal.

Sad and tired.

2 More sleeps...

Until I know...

I have no idea what to expect.

I want to be positive.

It is time.

I am tired.

I might POAS on Thursday morning before the blood test just so I am prepared...eish.

Back on board the mothership # 2

So we have two embies back on board the mothership! I was so ready for bad news when I got there - you know I have had my share of it and started slipping on the steep hill of positivity and all that! Anyway, the 4 cell embie stopped dividing yesterday and the 3 cell had divided to a 6 cell - so we thought they would only pop that one back. The grade of the 6 cell was 4 out of 5 and whereas I thought this was badly fragmented - turns out it is actually great as 5 is the best and 1 the worst - yeah!

For those of you who haven't experienced an embryo transfer - it really is the most surreal experience...There you lie with your legs in stirrups, barely draped with a cloth and nether regions on full display under the glare of operating lights.  The doctor is sitting in front of this all...then inserts the speculum, peering at your cervix, the embryologist hovers close by and the sister pushes the scanner into your stomach (my uterus proves difficult to find!?) Then your cervix is washed, a quick trial transfer is carried out while the embryologist loads up the embryos and then quickly the dr transfers them to hopefully a great spot in the uterus!  All to the sound of seemingly elevator music and the hum of the lab. Then you are rolled off onto a bed and must stay put for an hour or so before being let free into the dreaded 2 week wait! Anyway, the dr wanted to put back both embies as he has had a case where a woman actually had a viable pregnancy from an embryo that had stopped dividing!  It actually started again in utero!  So back went both!!!

In 6 IVF's, this is only the second time I have actually gone ahead to transfer as we usually wait for day 5. I want to believe that at least one of these embies is going to make it this time.

So that is where we are...the 2 week wait. I cannot help but fear my embies don't make it but my heart is so calling for the miracle which is finally to be mine...

Blood test: 11th November!

The adventure of IVF #6...so far

So went in for egg retrieval on Friday. Got 4 eggs. Prof wanted to see me before I left the clinic so went in to see him - he wanted to run an idea past me - to split them into 2 batches of 2 and to IVF fertilise 2 and to ICSI the other  2. I agreed. Then he suggested that as this is my last shot, we should just do a day 3 transfer. What was quite strange is that I had been thinking exactly the same thing, so I agreed instantly - while science dictates that the embryos are happier in the lab medium which is closer to the fallopian tube environment and that if an embryo doesn't make it to blast then it would never be viable anyway...a small part of me believes that possibly embies are happier in the human body sooner than later.

That evening I had a call from the embryologist who told me that Prof had asked him to fill me in on my eggs...of course the first thing I thought was...it is all over. Then he told me that of the 2 put aside to IVF fertilise, they were both immature. So he looked at the other 2 and couldn't see the polar bodies meaning they could also be immature. So he stripped them and then saw that the 2 were mature. Later that day a 3rd egg matured, so he wanted me to know that he was going to ICSI all 3. Whew, at least it wasn't over.

The next day...waiting waiting for the fertilisation report. I finally phoned the sister. Only 2 eggs fertilised.

Sunday...waiting for the phone to ring...sister called...1 embryo has made it to a 4 cell and the other a 3 cell, both with stage 4 fragmentation (which if you torment yourself googling will know that the more fragmentation the worse...so this is not great). Then she tells me to be at the clinic at 11am on Monday for transfer.

So now, I wait to leave for the clinic. I do not know if my embies are good enough to transfer. I do not know what lies ahead - good news or bad.  I have been here before. It is hard. This is supposed to be my last shot with my eggs and I am praying so much that one magical perfect egg makes this dream real.

House-arrest

Halo is under house-arrest.  I haven't detailed the latest of our escapades in trying to keep Halo safely within our 1000m2 garden, but in short, DH has installed an electric system all the way around the perimeter and Halo now sports a shock collar which we call Netstar Kitty, (all legit and made for kitties) so that if he tries to get past the wire, he gets a warning first and then a shock.  What we didn't factor in is that he may just grow resistant to this and determine that a small shock is worth it when trying to buck the system!  Yes, last week, DH spotted him dashing across the road...so clearly he has found a chink in the armour and is delighting in freedom around the neighbourhood. So, Halo has been under house arrest since...while we ponder what to do next. Keep in mind this is a cat with little street smarts, who on his first week out ventured into a neighbours garden and got mauled, breaking his spine and losing his tail!

We are on our way to buy some mesh stuff to close off all access holes that may be luring him out...let's see what happens...

I am on cycle day 10 of IVF#6....not sure what to say about this other than...this is it. I am only preparing for success and not success and failure at the same time which is what I usually do. I haven't been posting as my mind starts tearing around if I over think things...so have decided to just take each day at a time with a clear vision in my mind... If all goes well, ER will be on Thursday...more then....