It's over

My worst fear just happened. Clinic called to say bad news - the last embie did not divide again overnight, so not looking good at all. It has also probably stopped developing. Looks like the end of the road for me on this cycle.

Have an appointment tomorrow at 12pm to discuss POA.

All that money and hope down the drain. 16 Days of stimming for nothing.
Gosh, this process is not for the faint-hearted. And yes, I know if you get a BFP it is all worth it. But we didn't so I am wallowing in self pity and disappointment right now.

Would I rather have ended my cycle here or waited 2 weeks? Would the embie have made it if I had put it back on day 3? Would I have had a better fertilisation rate if all had been ICSI'd upfront? Would could should...

Useless and helpless and sad. Part of me wants to give up - I mean what is the lesson in this? Perhaps I should accept my reality instead of pushing against it even if it feels like something we should be doing?

Adding to this sadness is the fact that my sister and my niece left yesterday to move to Pretoria leaving a wide open hole in my heart. My niece has been near me since she was 8 months old. Now 4, I am going to miss her so much. I have felt responsible for my sister since childhood and felt needed by her during our youth and again in the past few years. That is now gone too.

On Tuesday I will drive to Knysna to spend time with my mother...how I wish it had been with good news to share at the end of the trip. But it is not too be.

Yes, this too shall pass.