A Prescription for Hope

My Prof actually wrote out a prescription for hope for me - on his prescription book! He wrote out the letters H O P E !! and underlined it twice. Twice!

My appointment was last Thursday, and I drove to the practice with the feeling that inevitably the Prof would most likely agree with Dr S that things were not looking good for my eggs and that donor is the only way to go.

I arrived and waited in his room for a few minutes feeling a little nervous but resigned to what I had roll-played in my mind. The Prof arrived still in scrubs and I was pleased to see him - he really has such a collected and calm energy. He sat down and opened my file and asked me "Tell me what you think about this whole situation"...

?? Really. So off I launched into my pre-orchestrated spiel about protocols and Dr Sher's views on using Menopur and concerns about being Oestrogen dominant etc etc. So he stops me mid-rant and says, "No, you are chatting now - just tell me what you think about where we are." I was at a loss for words admittedly...what was I to say? So he said "Well I am going to tell you what I think. I think we do not give up just yet".

W H A T!!!! Not what I was expecting at ALL. And the tears started...I had been prepared to have an adult discussion about donor eggs and where to so I was not ready for this...

Still speechless, he continued to tell me that he had just got back from a conference where a lot of emphasis was placed on poor responders and he had actually used me as a case study under discussion. Apparently there was resounding agreement from all the dr's present that due to the fact that I have had two ectopics, we should not be too quick to give up. It is clear I have viable eggs and it may just be more difficult to find them...however, it is too soon to turn to donor.

I told him that I had come today with a message from my sister that she has lots of happy eggs for me. He made a note of that on my file but said that we have time...and if we need to go down the donor road then my sister will still be there next year or the following year. He said he can see I am not ready for donor.

I mentioned money as a reality and he understands there are financial limitations. He told me that I qualify to be included in a project due to my case which allocates R5000 towards a cycle (not sure for how many though...) and he will also waive all doctor fees so we will only need to cover direct med costs and lab costs. He wants to look at doing PICSI next time as even though DH little guys are abundant, we need to make sure we are getting the best genetic superstars as this could also be a reason why our embryos are not making it. I will be on what is called the "Washington protocol" which is low stims (so cheap stims...) and the aim will be on trying to get one good egg...to make one good embryo...

So, we are giving it 2010...my journey...another year...of HOPE....of prayer....of preperation...of the collection of emotions this process brings with it...

But I know one thing....I will not give up....not until I am holding our little one.

A colleague gave me a voucher for a tarot reading by a intuitive who works with his guides as well. So yesterday I went to see him. My obvious question was: when is this journey that in fact started with a reading will end. He said that they said to tell me that I still have some way to go but 2011 looks like it could be the year, that I must not give up treatments, that my first born will be a boy, most definitely. He told me that I should remember that special children are worth the wait and that I have been on this long journey to prepare for him....

I bought a small magnetic heart with the word "believe" on it.

And I have it stuck on our fridge.

Next to The Prescription.

For hope.

Our bounty

Here is proof of the satisfaction one gets from being able to grow your own food. I mean how amazing is this...the incredible bounty from our veggie garden....

When will I have this on a larger scale? And with space for my donkey and horse and dam and oak tree and chickens and a huge studio where I do my work and am successful for all the years to come until I can watch my grandchildren running across the lawn towards me....

Personal Trainer from hell

Well...I have replaced acupuncture with a personal trainer. The one the antithesis of the other. One meditational and natural calm healing, the other hardcore tearing of muscles to build tone and form...oh well, if I land up with a more lean mean me, then great.

The session was an hour long. The routine, unrelenting. Competitive Cam did it all, even though I could feel my thigh muscles ripping and burning. I had no idea that the next day, and even worse the day after that would leave my body screaming with stiffness. Eina. What do I say to her next week? Surely the exercises should have been do-able? Surely one shouldn't be in such agony after doing them? I am going to have to admit defeat though as I am not looking forward to another physical fallout of this degree. I am going to have to ask her to tone it down a little!

I have an appointment with the Prof on 10 December. Not sure I want to know what he is going to say...will he take sides with Dr S and agree with what he said, or will he offer me some hope?

I went to see a medical intuitive who works with Jin Shin Jiatsu (sp?). I couldn't stop crying during the session...really all came out. Anyway her insights included the fact that I have a fear of freedom and a fear of the future. Go figure.

She did some chakra and energy point healing and during the session I was finding it hard to breathe when her hands were in some positions while easy to breathe when in other positions. Wierd. But felt nice and calm afterwards. She feels I could do well to hand it over to the universe. And do some self-help healing using the central energy points (think?) daily action. She gave me a copy of what to do and I have been trying to remember each morning.

I am also now more a brunette than a blonde. Decided to go more my natural colour with a few highlights but hairdresser chose a lovely colour called "honey lavender" so we went with it...very interesting shades of brown, purple, gold, red....but nice. DH thinks it is sexy and a bit hooker. I think he's been playing too much Grand Theft Auto.

Persia is growing fast and has started exploring the garden with Asia. They are really playing nicely together and have taken to tearing across the lawn under the basil and lavender bushes. Just took some great pictures and will load them next week.

Am looking forward to the end of this year. And to a good break. We are going to Knysna to spend xmas with mum and sisters and Mish and friends.

We may also stay for New Year but we may also come back to welcome 2010 in Aurora.