Finn & Rebecca

Finn & Rebecca

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Not meant to be...

It seems as if it is just not meant to be...again....

Am so sad at the nothingness you feel when it fails...the empty, hollowness of disappointment.

It gets worse with every failed cycle. It's that space between possibility and despair - the widest cavernous space of sadness. Sadness at having the very vital purpose of being a woman on this planet reduced to a game of chance. Sadness at wasting so much vital energy, money and emotion on holding hope in your heart. Sadness at the lost possibility that it could just have worked. This time.

But it didn't.

Embie is still only a 5 cell and seems too slow to be viable. Unless a miracle happens, transfer is cancelled again. Prof wants to meet with us tomorrow to discuss a new plan. I know he is going to say we can either carry on trying with my own eggs on the off chance we get lucky even though this is a remote possibility, otherwise we can move into a higher chance of success next with donor eggs now...

Somewhere along this 12 year journey...we have gone from conceiving a baby twice to a serious decline in egg quality.... This makes it even harder to accept. Why didn't we do IVF 5 years ago when we still had a chance? But, there is no point in looking back.

Back to the beginning, when I had no idea this is what lay in store for me....I always believed I would be a mother of at least two by 35. I always thought I would be a good mother and that embracing non-conditional love and welcoming responsibility would come naturally to me. So many projects have been shelved as I was waiting for a child to share it with.

I want to believe it is still possible. But today, it still seems so far away.


  1. Oh no Cam. I am so flipping sorry honey. I wish it was different. I hope the Prof can come up with a POA that suits you.



  2. I don't know what to say. what is there without hope? only you can know if its worth another attempt. the universe has a plan for each of us and regretfully she plays her cards close to her chest. consider all your options carefully and go with what feels right in your heart. motherhood comes to us all in different ways and i have no doubt that you will find yours. eventually.

  3. My heart is broken for you. I'm so sorry about this. xx

  4. So sorry aunty Cam.

  5. I am so sorry Cam!!! I really am...

  6. Cam I am so sorry. I have no other words of support or encouragement to give. Wishing you and your hubby could have your dream. Big HUGS

  7. Cam - not sure what to say, everything sounds empty. I wish it could have been different. I will pray for strength and peace for you.

  8. Cam I am so sorry, not sure what to say, everything sounds empty. I will pray for peace and strength for you. You have endured so very much.

  9. Cam, I have not posted cause I was truely lost for words of comfort for heart was aching for you last night.
    But, I was sent a light in a very unique form. I am comforted that your time is near...carry on believing Cam. Carry on believing
    Love M

  10. Cam,

    I hope that your appointment with FS was ok and that even if you knew what would be "offered" to you, the meeting somehow brought new insights and perspectives.
    In my thoughts,