Not meant to be...

It seems as if it is just not meant to be...again....

Am so sad at the nothingness you feel when it fails...the empty, hollowness of disappointment.

It gets worse with every failed cycle. It's that space between possibility and despair - the widest cavernous space of sadness. Sadness at having the very vital purpose of being a woman on this planet reduced to a game of chance. Sadness at wasting so much vital energy, money and emotion on holding hope in your heart. Sadness at the lost possibility that it could just have worked. This time.

But it didn't.

Embie is still only a 5 cell and seems too slow to be viable. Unless a miracle happens, transfer is cancelled again. Prof wants to meet with us tomorrow to discuss a new plan. I know he is going to say we can either carry on trying with my own eggs on the off chance we get lucky even though this is a remote possibility, otherwise we can move into a higher chance of success next with donor eggs now...

Somewhere along this 12 year journey...we have gone from conceiving a baby twice to a serious decline in egg quality.... This makes it even harder to accept. Why didn't we do IVF 5 years ago when we still had a chance? But, there is no point in looking back.

Back to the beginning, when I had no idea this is what lay in store for me....I always believed I would be a mother of at least two by 35. I always thought I would be a good mother and that embracing non-conditional love and welcoming responsibility would come naturally to me. So many projects have been shelved as I was waiting for a child to share it with.

I want to believe it is still possible. But today, it still seems so far away.

Hang in there little embie

Today, we had: a 2 cell (suddenly started cleaving but too slow so not viable), our 2 cell from yesterday became a 3 cell (also too slow so not viable) and our awesome little 4 cell is now a 5 cell - also a little slow as lab would prefer a day 3 embie to be 8 cells (well anything from 5-8, but preferably 8 cells).....so....we have all our hopes on our little 5 cell.

Prof says he wants it to start compacting otherwise no transfer....so we have 24 hours to get to 8 cells and to start compacting.

I am so scared it is happening again...embryos all stopped before 8 cells....my heart is so sore just thinking about it and I am trying so hard to keep positive. I have tried pleading, bargaining, asking, releasing, surrendering....am not sure what else to do....

Yes, what will be will be...but in the meantime I keep telling myself to believe it is possible...it is possible...

The waiting game...

Of the 4 eggs, 1 was immature as I suspected....and 2 of the 3 mature eggs fertilised by yesterday. Just got the call from the sister....one is a 2 cell and one is a 3 cell today...hang in there and grow little embies.....oh please could one make it to blast so we get to transfer...oh please...let it be possible....

Eggs in the dish

Had egg retrieval today....yes, been quiet this time around, but felt the urge to put it out there...we have 4 eggs in the dish after 13 days of stimming! I think one may be immature, but let's see. I don't have any expectations. DH says I must be positive. BUT, I need to self-protect. I do believe. I really do believe it is possible. I do believe in miracles. But I have been hurt.

This is IVF#4 take 2.

Now comes the scariest part for me...waiting for the fertilisation reports...day by day...no expectations remember. But my heart is aching so already.

Our dearest Asia never came home. Mala is growing like a weed and is the most gorgeous puppy. I am taking her for her first puppy training class tomorrow.

The best news of the last week is that my mum's brain tumour has disintegrated! Yes gone! Seems the neurological problems she has been having are all due to being over medicated / her diabetes / something else....but not the tumour! Lung cancer tumour has also reduced in size again after the latest radiation....all buying her more more more time! Great news....I am so very very happy for her! She is going for blood tests on Monday.

Here's to good news Monday...

Beloved Asia Sky Glitterkatz

My heart is aching as I write this...our beloved Asia has been missing for 2 weeks and 2 days now...we know we will probably never see him again and we miss his gorgeous attitude and fiesty character so very much...oh my Bengalbabykitty....

Gratitude for the last warm Autumn days...

The cold nip on the air even on a warm day...memories of chilly Winter creeping in quickly now.

While I love the peaceful cool of Autumn days and the wind-free reprieve, I do not look forward to the damp, cold days of Winter. That feeling of days going past without a ray of sunshine on my skin, the coldness that creeps into your bones. If ever there was a person who would thrive in moderate to hot temperature climates, it would be me. I am most comfortable in dry warmth. My acupuncturist would tell me that this is because I am a damp, clammy body...mmm sounds great doesn't it? But with the classifying body-types, TCM uses these terms as guides for specific treatments.

So with gratitude for the last warm Autumn days, I will prepare for the next 5 months of chill.

Of course there are delicious soups, stews, baked fruit puddings, sherry and cosy mornings in bed to look forward to...

Gratitude for having found Love

As we celebrated our 12th anniversary beneath the vast starry nights and during the hot dry desert days in the beautiful Biedouw Valley....I contemplated just how lucky I am to have found true love.

Love which only strengthens as every day passes. Love which only grows to new heights and dimensions as I learn more about the man I am with. The man I found, the woman he found and the love we found together.

He asked me on this day...would you do it all again? Yes, I would do it again and again and to infinity my love...if it meant we could have more time together in this life.

I know in my heart that we needed these years together, just the two of us.
To heal. To explore. To discover. To learn. To love.

To love...and to gratitude for it eternally.