On DHEA again...

So, after the cancelled IVF cycle, and trip to Addo, I have been a bad blogger.

I have been in what I can only describe as a scatty place...partly distracted, partly confused, partly disillutioned and yet partly in a state-of-surrender. I just didn't have anything to share. With myself, or my blog.

Now I have an appointment with Prof. Next Wednesday. He called me last week to say that he had spoken to colleagues in Norfolk but that they had nothing to suggest. All I can do is either to go back on DHEA for 2 months, as there is increasingly good research about this, or as a second option to go directly to donor eggs. I asked if we should perhaps chat about things and he said yes. He also said I must come pick up some DHEA and take it for 2 months (so that must mean he feels we should try again with my own eggs???) So we have an appointment. And yet, I know he will repeat what he has already told me above. We will decide to proceed with another if possibly the last attempt with my own eggs, and in all likelihood, we will start IVF 5 in September...

What will make IVF 5 (or 6 if you take the fact that IVF 4 was two takes!) different? Is there anything I can do to improve the outcome? I will not go there...I am surrendering to what will be.

And yet, I am still in quest. And found two things which resonated strongly with me. The first was a contact for a private therapist / hypnotherapist who does work clearing old blocks and also offers womb cleansing for anyone wanting to fall pregnant. So I am going to see her.

And secondly, SCIO - quantum biofeedback, which has been posted about on the forum. This therapy "is a sophisticated computerized system that both tests and balances the body at the subtle energy level. SCIO stands for Scientific Consciousness Interface Operation system and is derived from the Latin, meaning “I know”. This can be used to test and report on: Allergens, Amino acids, Bacteria, Blood Chemistry, Bones, Candidas, Chakras, Chromosomes, Digestion, Disease, Brain wave, Fatty acids, Fungi, Hormones, Meridians, Minerals, Muscles, Organ sarcodes, Parasites, Physic Energies, Prions, Spiritual Energies and Toxins.

Will report back on both these experiences.

And I have been asking. Wasn't going to but as every psychic reading I have ever had has told me that I will have a baby and imminently, I have always held onto that hope that it is so. And yet, 6 years of the same readings and still no baby to speak of does make one pause and wonder if the psychics only relay what they see so vividly in my mind. So I asked. The last psychic I saw (got a reading as a gift so I went) again confirmed that yes I will have a baby, soonish. But when???? And I was still on pause regarding my suspicion above. So last week I asked him if this was true? And he wrote back with a reading - he had actually done another reading about the matter and this is what he said amongst other things: "I still feel the baby will come from your eggs, and you must try to let go and go on with IVF"..... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hopes are up.

But cynicism looms over me and the dark shadow obscures my outlook.

Be lighter. Surrender. Let it go.

Working on it...

Elephants here we come

Well, I am off with my two sisters to take mum to the Addo Elephant Park this weekend! I am leaving my DH and DP's (dear pets) at home...will miss them madly! My sister arrives tomorrow and then we drive down to Knysna on Friday, then to Addo Sat and Sun and back to CT next Wed.

Have been feeling peaceful, strangely. Haven't been to see Prof yet and I think I will only worry about that when I get back. And it is okay. I have just read The Journey by Brandon Bays while simultaneously listening to Caroline Myss' new book "Defy Gravity" on cd...both discussing how we can heal at a soul level / cellular level..all tying in with the latest course I attended called QEC = Quantum Energy Coaching and TRE = Trauma Releasing Exercise...more about this later...

For now, I am peaceful and centred and opening up again to my own spiritual power and what that means for the next stretch of my journey...

The road is open and it stretches into a glorious adventure...

Not meant to be...

It seems as if it is just not meant to be...again....

Am so sad at the nothingness you feel when it fails...the empty, hollowness of disappointment.

It gets worse with every failed cycle. It's that space between possibility and despair - the widest cavernous space of sadness. Sadness at having the very vital purpose of being a woman on this planet reduced to a game of chance. Sadness at wasting so much vital energy, money and emotion on holding hope in your heart. Sadness at the lost possibility that it could just have worked. This time.

But it didn't.

Embie is still only a 5 cell and seems too slow to be viable. Unless a miracle happens, transfer is cancelled again. Prof wants to meet with us tomorrow to discuss a new plan. I know he is going to say we can either carry on trying with my own eggs on the off chance we get lucky even though this is a remote possibility, otherwise we can move into a higher chance of success next with donor eggs now...

Somewhere along this 12 year journey...we have gone from conceiving a baby twice to a serious decline in egg quality.... This makes it even harder to accept. Why didn't we do IVF 5 years ago when we still had a chance? But, there is no point in looking back.

Back to the beginning, when I had no idea this is what lay in store for me....I always believed I would be a mother of at least two by 35. I always thought I would be a good mother and that embracing non-conditional love and welcoming responsibility would come naturally to me. So many projects have been shelved as I was waiting for a child to share it with.

I want to believe it is still possible. But today, it still seems so far away.

Hang in there little embie

Today, we had: a 2 cell (suddenly started cleaving but too slow so not viable), our 2 cell from yesterday became a 3 cell (also too slow so not viable) and our awesome little 4 cell is now a 5 cell - also a little slow as lab would prefer a day 3 embie to be 8 cells (well anything from 5-8, but preferably 8 cells).....so....we have all our hopes on our little 5 cell.

Prof says he wants it to start compacting otherwise no transfer....so we have 24 hours to get to 8 cells and to start compacting.

I am so scared it is happening again...embryos all stopped before 8 cells....my heart is so sore just thinking about it and I am trying so hard to keep positive. I have tried pleading, bargaining, asking, releasing, surrendering....am not sure what else to do....

Yes, what will be will be...but in the meantime I keep telling myself to believe it is possible...it is possible...

The waiting game...

Of the 4 eggs, 1 was immature as I suspected....and 2 of the 3 mature eggs fertilised by yesterday. Just got the call from the sister....one is a 2 cell and one is a 3 cell today...hang in there and grow little embies.....oh please could one make it to blast so we get to transfer...oh please...let it be possible....

Eggs in the dish

Had egg retrieval today....yes, been quiet this time around, but felt the urge to put it out there...we have 4 eggs in the dish after 13 days of stimming! I think one may be immature, but let's see. I don't have any expectations. DH says I must be positive. BUT, I need to self-protect. I do believe. I really do believe it is possible. I do believe in miracles. But I have been hurt.

This is IVF#4 take 2.

Now comes the scariest part for me...waiting for the fertilisation reports...day by day...no expectations remember. But my heart is aching so already.

Our dearest Asia never came home. Mala is growing like a weed and is the most gorgeous puppy. I am taking her for her first puppy training class tomorrow.

The best news of the last week is that my mum's brain tumour has disintegrated! Yes gone! Seems the neurological problems she has been having are all due to being over medicated / her diabetes / something else....but not the tumour! Lung cancer tumour has also reduced in size again after the latest radiation....all buying her more more more time! Great news....I am so very very happy for her! She is going for blood tests on Monday.

Here's to good news Monday...

Beloved Asia Sky Glitterkatz

My heart is aching as I write this...our beloved Asia has been missing for 2 weeks and 2 days now...we know we will probably never see him again and we miss his gorgeous attitude and fiesty character so very much...oh my Bengalbabykitty....