Back on board the mothership # 2

So we have two embies back on board the mothership! I was so ready for bad news when I got there - you know I have had my share of it and started slipping on the steep hill of positivity and all that! Anyway, the 4 cell embie stopped dividing yesterday and the 3 cell had divided to a 6 cell - so we thought they would only pop that one back. The grade of the 6 cell was 4 out of 5 and whereas I thought this was badly fragmented - turns out it is actually great as 5 is the best and 1 the worst - yeah!

For those of you who haven't experienced an embryo transfer - it really is the most surreal experience...There you lie with your legs in stirrups, barely draped with a cloth and nether regions on full display under the glare of operating lights.  The doctor is sitting in front of this all...then inserts the speculum, peering at your cervix, the embryologist hovers close by and the sister pushes the scanner into your stomach (my uterus proves difficult to find!?) Then your cervix is washed, a quick trial transfer is carried out while the embryologist loads up the embryos and then quickly the dr transfers them to hopefully a great spot in the uterus!  All to the sound of seemingly elevator music and the hum of the lab. Then you are rolled off onto a bed and must stay put for an hour or so before being let free into the dreaded 2 week wait! Anyway, the dr wanted to put back both embies as he has had a case where a woman actually had a viable pregnancy from an embryo that had stopped dividing!  It actually started again in utero!  So back went both!!!

In 6 IVF's, this is only the second time I have actually gone ahead to transfer as we usually wait for day 5. I want to believe that at least one of these embies is going to make it this time.

So that is where we are...the 2 week wait. I cannot help but fear my embies don't make it but my heart is so calling for the miracle which is finally to be mine...

Blood test: 11th November!

The adventure of IVF #6...so far

So went in for egg retrieval on Friday. Got 4 eggs. Prof wanted to see me before I left the clinic so went in to see him - he wanted to run an idea past me - to split them into 2 batches of 2 and to IVF fertilise 2 and to ICSI the other  2. I agreed. Then he suggested that as this is my last shot, we should just do a day 3 transfer. What was quite strange is that I had been thinking exactly the same thing, so I agreed instantly - while science dictates that the embryos are happier in the lab medium which is closer to the fallopian tube environment and that if an embryo doesn't make it to blast then it would never be viable anyway...a small part of me believes that possibly embies are happier in the human body sooner than later.

That evening I had a call from the embryologist who told me that Prof had asked him to fill me in on my eggs...of course the first thing I thought was...it is all over. Then he told me that of the 2 put aside to IVF fertilise, they were both immature. So he looked at the other 2 and couldn't see the polar bodies meaning they could also be immature. So he stripped them and then saw that the 2 were mature. Later that day a 3rd egg matured, so he wanted me to know that he was going to ICSI all 3. Whew, at least it wasn't over.

The next day...waiting waiting for the fertilisation report. I finally phoned the sister. Only 2 eggs fertilised.

Sunday...waiting for the phone to ring...sister called...1 embryo has made it to a 4 cell and the other a 3 cell, both with stage 4 fragmentation (which if you torment yourself googling will know that the more fragmentation the worse...so this is not great). Then she tells me to be at the clinic at 11am on Monday for transfer.

So now, I wait to leave for the clinic. I do not know if my embies are good enough to transfer. I do not know what lies ahead - good news or bad.  I have been here before. It is hard. This is supposed to be my last shot with my eggs and I am praying so much that one magical perfect egg makes this dream real.

House-arrest

Halo is under house-arrest.  I haven't detailed the latest of our escapades in trying to keep Halo safely within our 1000m2 garden, but in short, DH has installed an electric system all the way around the perimeter and Halo now sports a shock collar which we call Netstar Kitty, (all legit and made for kitties) so that if he tries to get past the wire, he gets a warning first and then a shock.  What we didn't factor in is that he may just grow resistant to this and determine that a small shock is worth it when trying to buck the system!  Yes, last week, DH spotted him dashing across the road...so clearly he has found a chink in the armour and is delighting in freedom around the neighbourhood. So, Halo has been under house arrest since...while we ponder what to do next. Keep in mind this is a cat with little street smarts, who on his first week out ventured into a neighbours garden and got mauled, breaking his spine and losing his tail!

We are on our way to buy some mesh stuff to close off all access holes that may be luring him out...let's see what happens...

I am on cycle day 10 of IVF#6....not sure what to say about this other than...this is it. I am only preparing for success and not success and failure at the same time which is what I usually do. I haven't been posting as my mind starts tearing around if I over think things...so have decided to just take each day at a time with a clear vision in my mind... If all goes well, ER will be on Thursday...more then....

Baby Loss Awareness Week

During Baby Loss Awareness Week (9- 16 Oct), we remember all babies born sleeping, or whom we have carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones that came home but didn't stay.  

I copied this from a FB posting.  I didn't even realise it was Baby Loss Awareness Week.

I heard today that a friend of friends, just lost their 5 month old baby this week. The baby apparently fell off the bed in a childcare in Pinelands - paramedics tried to rescucitate the baby but to no avail.

My mind cannot describe the pain she must be feeling right now and I do not believe there could be any worse experience than losing your child. And she left the planet in Baby Loss Awareness Week. Her short time on this earth and to leave during this week will almost certainly shine light on this issue. Was the childcare registered? Where are our children? I remember my intuition teacher telling us that when a soul has chosen to come to this world as a child who dies so young - often it is to raise awareness or to spotlight some issue that needs to be addressed.

I have respect for a soul's journey, however, how do you, as a parent, live with the pain when the accident is such a freak occurance and completely unexpected. Spiritual reasoning does little for a mourning heart. It is true tragedy for the baby's parents. What is their lesson? I can't even contemplate how to begin to understand.

My heart sends love and light to this woman, the father and to the little earth angel that left them.

Eat. Pray. Fight

I am so incredibly ratty at the moment so I assume my oestrogen levels have plummeted and I am blundering into another monthly PMS state-of-irritability. Of course, my DH delights in winding me up when in this state as I believe he finds my lashes of snappy retorts rather amusing! I have also been so clumsy today, even knocking over a case of Cobra at PnP this morning! I mean really...it probably would be best to just stay indoors for the rest of the day. Had thought about pottering in the garden with a pair of shears...but maybe not.


So to the title.

Watched Eat. Pray. Love yesterday and I really enjoyed it - think Julia is just a prefect Liz in her way. And YES to Italy again...watching the scenes in Rome, I really need to go back to explore more. Bali also looks amazing.

To eat.

Today has so far included a delicious scram B at the Empire and a plate of provolone, tomato, basil and avo drizzled with olive oil and balsamic with a lightly toasted seed roll. Mmmmmm. Later, I will be making garlicky crunchy chicken breasts with organic pumpkin and cauliflower cheese. With chocolate frozen yoghurt and black cherries for pud. Uh huh. Yum.

To pray.

I said a prayer this morning when I saw a little antique wooden and wicker child's chair.  It just spoke to me, so I prayed and then bought it. Then I said another this afternoon when I read an old friend's post about her birth story. She lost her first miracle while still a baby some years ago and has just welcomed a son into the world. Love and light to them.

To fight. love.

Love is a much better word...I am going to stop fighting, acknowledge my irritation and send myself a little love too.

My time

I am really starting to believe that it is my time to become a mother. This morning DH and I were chatting and I said that we should go to Europe again in June/July and DH answered "You'll be pregnant by then". And.....for the first time, I didn't feel my body go tense and respond with an internal shriek.  I simply replied, "yes I will be but that doesn't matter as we can still go if I am in the 2nd trimester"! I welcomed the nice feeling of assurance.

Where it came from I have no idea as until now, I have been so protective of myself that I do not allow myself to actually believe that it will ever really happen.  Yes, this is because of the vast lanscape of disppointment and trauma I have been through....but it is time now.

Time to move on into complete acceptance.
Time for renewed positivity.
Time to embrace the power of miracles.

Be at peace my mother

"Zebra's", watercolour painting by my mother.

My mother passed away. Quite suddenly it now seems. A year's long battle with terminal small cell lung cancer ended with a fall. A broken femur and heart-wrenching pain. A quick exit from a relieving morphine haze into a coma. A non-responsive body, shutting down with us by her bedside. Blank stares and limp hands held. Shallow breaths and silence. Letting go, alone in her hospital bed and white gown. A final breath in solitude.

I wonder if she knew we were there. Was the brief grip when I held her hand just a reflex? Were the murmurs a cry for help or a stifled cough? Was her blank gaze seeing or in darkness? Did she hear me when I told her it was okay to let go? When I told her I loved her so very much.

How can the space be so vast when a person dies? The vacumn in energy so deep. Her spirit so light, I cannot feel it near. Is she near?  Where is she?

Why can I not feel her?

It feels like a bad dream and in time I will awake and she will be at the end of a long telephone call. But I know she is gone. I did not go to be with her when she expected me to. I lost the time for talking about unspoken truths. I did not ask her to write a letter for her unborn grandchild. She will never see me become a mother.

Perhaps from the other side, but not in this life.

I like to think she will see everything from the light. That she is at peace and in a time and space so gentle, free and content. That she will be able to be near when we need her, and bear witness to the special days she will now miss.

How I miss her already.

In my mind, with the recent therapy sessions, I have held her in contempt and then forgiven all the wrong my child heart has held onto. I released her and forgave her just a few weeks ago. And now she has been released from all the pain and fear of her earthbound life dis-ease. How brave she was. How in awe I am of her strength and calm towards the end. How thankful I am to St Jude who was with her all the way along the twisted path to death.

What a brilliant, bright and unconventional woman she was. Her talent as an artist, an intellectual, an intuitive was exceptional.  Not nurturing in the conventional sense, but a special inspiration to those that loved her. I will always remember her light on spirituality, common-sense, practicality, general knowledge, art, literature, and life. She taught me to lie on my back and look at the stars at night. To ask questions and to enquire deeply. To hold onto my freedom, always. To explore any subject and search for meaning. To be open to experiences. To appreciate music, nature, beauty, animals and the underdog.

She did not teach me to love unconditionally, to trust, to be patient, to protect my inner-child, to be kind to myself, to care for my needs. I took on the role of caring for her, even if she was unaware of it. I over-developed a thick, heavy layer of responsibility to protect her, me and my sisters. I became a pleaser to all. A performer. Needy of attention and acknowledgement. Serious, sincere, loyal. I pushed the child-me into corners and under cover so I didn't push her buttons. I absorbed her anger, her hurt, her shame, her sadness. I witnessed her self-destruction, her cry for help, her pain, her healing, her growth.

And now she is free.
And the gift she has given me is life.
My journey continues. 
She is part of me, I am part of her.
We will forever be entwined in lifetimes ahead.

Be at peace my mother, until we meet again.
With love forever
Cammy