Finn & Rebecca

Finn & Rebecca

Monday, November 2, 2009

Time out

My worst nightmare since starting out this journey 11 years ago, is starting to happen. Even my FS's are starting to give up on me. Yes. The words I hoped I would never have to listen to were said this morning. Poor egg quality.

My 36 year old eggs seem to be way older than their years. The Prof is on a conference and Dr S has been looking after me this cycle. He is puzzled as I have been pregnant with two ectopics (both would have been viable pregnancies if in my uterus) and with the first IVF (later m/c). But even on the first IVF my embryo quality was not great. In the past two cycles, I have only produced grade 2 and 3 embryos - slow developing and haven't even grown past a 7 cell on day 6. He feels this means that my egg quality has gone downhill fast, and I face the odds as not only am I a poor responder, now my egg quality doesn't look that hot at all.

This means that I could do cycle after cycle, getting only 2 or 3 eggs of poor quality and hope each time that perhaps, just maybe one good one squeezes through. Just the path I was hoping wouldn't be mine. He started chatting about egg donors and even adoption. I so wanted our baby - you all know what I mean - my eyes, my toes. I keep thinking about the ectopics and how close we got. And how unfair it all is. Just because of an infection I got when I was 19 resulted in damaged tubes that cannot carry an embryo to it's resting place. Now because of all the wasted time trying, my eggs seem to be on a time out.

How do you give up your DNA? How do I go down that road now? How do I accept that I could never say "you look like me when I was small"?

I am not sure what to do now. Maybe try one or two more cycles next year? Dr S also suggested that we do very low stims and monitor progress and perhaps cancel before retrieval if follicle count not good. But he agrees the odds are against us and suggests we think through all the options.

For now, I will rest my weary mind and punctured body.


  1. That's got to be an incredibly difficult thing to deal with. I'm so sorry that you have to make these difficult decisions. It's all so very unfair.

    "Fix You" always makes me think of my struggles with Infertility.

  2. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I have a similar problem. I make a lot of eggs, but every single one of them has been poor quality. I understand how frustrated you feel, I was devastated to learn this. I recently heard of something called donor egg cytoplasm. I think it's fairly new and only works if the egg quality is poor because of the cytoplasm (non-DNA) part of the egg. Your embryo would still be genetically yours. I don't know much about it but intend to investigate it if my next cycle goes poorly again.

    I don't mean to offer false hope, and I certainly don't mean to imply that how you feel is any less painful. I am so sorry you must endure this burden along with everything else.

    You are in my thoughts.

  3. All my love to you and DH both. This is so hard. Sometimes the Universe really does frustrate, huh?

  4. thinking of you.
    I hope there are more options to explore.

  5. Here from LFCA

    so hard...

    so sorry...

    and as for how you give up your DNA, hmmm in my case it has been a battle of accepting and fighting and crying. It is a huge deal, and something that took me ages to accept was how big of a deal it was for me.

    So sorry... take care...

  6. I'm so sorry. I don't know the answer to your question. I know many women who have moved to donor egg and are happy to have done so. I don't think I could/can.

  7. I completely understand as this year I received the same diagnosis. Not only was I a poor responder, but none of my eggs fertilized on our last (third) cycle. That being said I did get pregnant last year (second cycle) and had a beautiful baby girl who was born too early and only stayed with us for a week. The doctors have explained it to me as "a bit if a numbers game" and I guess you could say my husband and I have decided to up our odds by using donor eggs. But it took me a LONG time to come around to that idea which I believe is normal. It was even more difficult after I saw my daughter who had my red hair, my eyes, and my crooked little pinky fingers. Somehow--and I don't know when or how--I changed my mind although I still often mourn the loss of having more biological children.

    I know it's not fair and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

  8. Cam? I know you're hurting right now and this might not be a good question to ask but for the life of me I can't recall the answer to this? With your eptopics did they remove your tubes? If not would they not consider GIFT or ZIFT cos of your history? Has this ever been discussed? If this is old ground covered I'm sorry for suggesting it, but I was just wondering if it might not be an option if your tubes are still in tact.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.


  9. Hi Cam,

    Just dropping by to say I am thinking of you and wishing you strength...


  10. Cam, thinking of you. And given you for an award see my blog for details

  11. Hi my friend, I haven't stopped thinking about you. Not sure if you want to chat about it or just be on your own a bit? You know I'm always here.

    I've had the same thoughts as TheClam, there are lots of girls who have had GIFT with success after many failed IVF's. Even though the doc's say it's old fashioned? I know you've definitely had one tube removed, but is the other still OK? Oh gosh, even these questions might be really hurtful right now.

    Hot chocolate and cheese cake, let's do it soon. xxxxx

  12. Thanks for all the support xx Clam & Mash - they wouldn't do GIFT as my one remaining tube is also scarred and potentially would result in another ectopic. IVF or nothing... :(

  13. Here's a song for you:

    100,000 angels!

    BTW I don't think I would be allowed GIFT either. So we are lucky that we aren't living 10 years ago... we would have no other options!