My time

I am really starting to believe that it is my time to become a mother. This morning DH and I were chatting and I said that we should go to Europe again in June/July and DH answered "You'll be pregnant by then". And.....for the first time, I didn't feel my body go tense and respond with an internal shriek.  I simply replied, "yes I will be but that doesn't matter as we can still go if I am in the 2nd trimester"! I welcomed the nice feeling of assurance.

Where it came from I have no idea as until now, I have been so protective of myself that I do not allow myself to actually believe that it will ever really happen.  Yes, this is because of the vast lanscape of disppointment and trauma I have been through....but it is time now.

Time to move on into complete acceptance.
Time for renewed positivity.
Time to embrace the power of miracles.

Be at peace my mother

"Zebra's", watercolour painting by my mother.

My mother passed away. Quite suddenly it now seems. A year's long battle with terminal small cell lung cancer ended with a fall. A broken femur and heart-wrenching pain. A quick exit from a relieving morphine haze into a coma. A non-responsive body, shutting down with us by her bedside. Blank stares and limp hands held. Shallow breaths and silence. Letting go, alone in her hospital bed and white gown. A final breath in solitude.

I wonder if she knew we were there. Was the brief grip when I held her hand just a reflex? Were the murmurs a cry for help or a stifled cough? Was her blank gaze seeing or in darkness? Did she hear me when I told her it was okay to let go? When I told her I loved her so very much.

How can the space be so vast when a person dies? The vacumn in energy so deep. Her spirit so light, I cannot feel it near. Is she near?  Where is she?

Why can I not feel her?

It feels like a bad dream and in time I will awake and she will be at the end of a long telephone call. But I know she is gone. I did not go to be with her when she expected me to. I lost the time for talking about unspoken truths. I did not ask her to write a letter for her unborn grandchild. She will never see me become a mother.

Perhaps from the other side, but not in this life.

I like to think she will see everything from the light. That she is at peace and in a time and space so gentle, free and content. That she will be able to be near when we need her, and bear witness to the special days she will now miss.

How I miss her already.

In my mind, with the recent therapy sessions, I have held her in contempt and then forgiven all the wrong my child heart has held onto. I released her and forgave her just a few weeks ago. And now she has been released from all the pain and fear of her earthbound life dis-ease. How brave she was. How in awe I am of her strength and calm towards the end. How thankful I am to St Jude who was with her all the way along the twisted path to death.

What a brilliant, bright and unconventional woman she was. Her talent as an artist, an intellectual, an intuitive was exceptional.  Not nurturing in the conventional sense, but a special inspiration to those that loved her. I will always remember her light on spirituality, common-sense, practicality, general knowledge, art, literature, and life. She taught me to lie on my back and look at the stars at night. To ask questions and to enquire deeply. To hold onto my freedom, always. To explore any subject and search for meaning. To be open to experiences. To appreciate music, nature, beauty, animals and the underdog.

She did not teach me to love unconditionally, to trust, to be patient, to protect my inner-child, to be kind to myself, to care for my needs. I took on the role of caring for her, even if she was unaware of it. I over-developed a thick, heavy layer of responsibility to protect her, me and my sisters. I became a pleaser to all. A performer. Needy of attention and acknowledgement. Serious, sincere, loyal. I pushed the child-me into corners and under cover so I didn't push her buttons. I absorbed her anger, her hurt, her shame, her sadness. I witnessed her self-destruction, her cry for help, her pain, her healing, her growth.

And now she is free.
And the gift she has given me is life.
My journey continues. 
She is part of me, I am part of her.
We will forever be entwined in lifetimes ahead.

Be at peace my mother, until we meet again.
With love forever
Cammy

New look blog

Inspiration came along in the form of a new look...

Calling for inspiration

I have been quiet on this blog...words are dormant.

I am in a period of contemplation. Of reflection. With nothing to share as yet other than a brief update of my life's recent happenings in staccato sentences...

Mum is stronger and back at home doing okay. Decision to do more chemo or not is her next challenge...
I have released a lot of anger...more on this process perhaps later...
Our new Bengal, Halo, soft boy kitty was mauled by dogs next door who broke his back...a sacral fracture, a tail amputation, nerve damage and R6000 later, he is slowly recovering, but I fear for his future as he is so not streetwise...why did we give him a home only for this to happen!

Work is hectic and I have added stress and pressure which is not filling me with enthusiasm...
A warm fire every night is getting me through winter...and the days are getting longer...
Mala, our ridgie puppy is growing day by day and I want need one-on-one training sessions with a dog whispering puppy trainer...
My personal trainer says my progress is great but I need to get back on the healthy diet wagon to shift another 10kg...and I just bought a marzipan Dutch cake...so much for that...
We are extending our off-road parking area so 4 cars can park behind the stone wall...
After vowing not to buy a single item of clothing this month, I just acquired a melange mini..so much for that as well...

All I feel like doing is reading and watching movies...bring on the escapism...
On the 16 August, my DH and I will have been together for 14 years!!! And I still think he is cute...and so so so special...
My creative senses are dulled at the moment...so I am calling on inspiration...

Calling on inspiration to...
Meditate every day
Finish my scrapbooks
Complete my recipe books
Work in the veggie garden
Finish my editing of dvd's
Finish my layouts for prints on canvas.....and and and....

All in time...and more later...

DHEA, POA and a sprinkle of hope

Since the cancelled IVF, I have been doing some work on the way forward for me on this IF journey.

Firstly, I went to have my SCIO Biofeedback done...interestingly, he said my stress levels are in check and my brain waves are running at an above average frequency which not only points towards an above average intelligence (mmmm thanks!!!) but means I can handle higher levels of stress comfortably...(mmmm right?)...so far so good. Then up popped my pituatary gland reading a little out-of-whack, which I would have expected considering the abuse it is put through being stimmed so radically with IVF. He suggested I take some Pituaplex to balance this out. On the risk front, "Trauma" spiked the charts meaning unresolved trauma issues on a cellular level - need to be resolved. Mmm, good thing I had already decided to make an appointment with a therapist then. So off I went...

And it went well. If you can call blubbing your way through 3 hours of some hard hitting unresolved childhood emotions and past traumatic memories from the ruptured ectopic that I had cleverly tucked away. I have agreed to work with her to sort through this all and help me clear all the blocks that may be limiting me on this journey to motherhood. Amazing how the teacher only arrives when the pupil is ready and what has to happen to get to this point!

Then, we met with our Prof...and the ball is in our court. Prof went through my increasingly poor track record but added it was still puzzling due to our natural conceptions albeit ectopic. It boils down to how much time, money and emotion we have to push into this slot machine (me!) with poor odds. Prof has put me back on DHEA as there is increasing evidence that this really can help, even though it did nothing last time. DH and I still want our genetic baby, so we are going to give it another go with my own eggs. And then....we will see. One step at a time. One hope at a time. We have options. No rush. No anxiety.

So for now, I will carry on with this new course of preparation...be calm...be positive...take one day at a time....start gathering up the hope again...get stronger...take the plunge...and pray for a miracle all the way.

Mum is not doing well at all and has been in hospital since Sunday with a bad infection, low sodium levels and a very low white blood count after the last chemo. She is weak and disorientated and we are worried about plans for care once she is home. Please get stronger again mum. Angels be with her and help her to get through this. I may need to go to Knysna next week to help sort things out so mum can be at home...this is very scary.

Introducing Halo

Despite hoping for the past 3 months that Asia would return. He never did. I told the breeder that he had gone and he made us an offer we could not refuse. He had Asia's half brother who is just over 1 years old, an F3,like Asia and needing a loving home. So we adopted him and I brought him home on the way back from Addo. His original name was Harley (named as such because he purrs like a Harley Davidson). We have re-named him Halo.

Wheh he arrived we were nervous as Persia did not approve and hissed at him when near as did the two grumpy aunties. But over the last few weeks he has settled in so well and Persia has a new friend. We checked his pedigree certificate and saw that not only is he Asia's half brother, he is Persia's half sister! So Asia shared a mum kitty with him and Persia shares a dad kitty with him...sweet hey.
Here he is...all the fur-kids together on one sofa - very unusual - Halo is on the arm at the end.





More of Halo in the bliss of warmth in front of the fire! He is such a sweety and already it feels as if he was always here....

On DHEA again...

So, after the cancelled IVF cycle, and trip to Addo, I have been a bad blogger.

I have been in what I can only describe as a scatty place...partly distracted, partly confused, partly disillutioned and yet partly in a state-of-surrender. I just didn't have anything to share. With myself, or my blog.

Now I have an appointment with Prof. Next Wednesday. He called me last week to say that he had spoken to colleagues in Norfolk but that they had nothing to suggest. All I can do is either to go back on DHEA for 2 months, as there is increasingly good research about this, or as a second option to go directly to donor eggs. I asked if we should perhaps chat about things and he said yes. He also said I must come pick up some DHEA and take it for 2 months (so that must mean he feels we should try again with my own eggs???) So we have an appointment. And yet, I know he will repeat what he has already told me above. We will decide to proceed with another if possibly the last attempt with my own eggs, and in all likelihood, we will start IVF 5 in September...

What will make IVF 5 (or 6 if you take the fact that IVF 4 was two takes!) different? Is there anything I can do to improve the outcome? I will not go there...I am surrendering to what will be.

And yet, I am still in quest. And found two things which resonated strongly with me. The first was a contact for a private therapist / hypnotherapist who does work clearing old blocks and also offers womb cleansing for anyone wanting to fall pregnant. So I am going to see her.

And secondly, SCIO - quantum biofeedback, which has been posted about on the forum. This therapy "is a sophisticated computerized system that both tests and balances the body at the subtle energy level. SCIO stands for Scientific Consciousness Interface Operation system and is derived from the Latin, meaning “I know”. This can be used to test and report on: Allergens, Amino acids, Bacteria, Blood Chemistry, Bones, Candidas, Chakras, Chromosomes, Digestion, Disease, Brain wave, Fatty acids, Fungi, Hormones, Meridians, Minerals, Muscles, Organ sarcodes, Parasites, Physic Energies, Prions, Spiritual Energies and Toxins.

Will report back on both these experiences.

And I have been asking. Wasn't going to but as every psychic reading I have ever had has told me that I will have a baby and imminently, I have always held onto that hope that it is so. And yet, 6 years of the same readings and still no baby to speak of does make one pause and wonder if the psychics only relay what they see so vividly in my mind. So I asked. The last psychic I saw (got a reading as a gift so I went) again confirmed that yes I will have a baby, soonish. But when???? And I was still on pause regarding my suspicion above. So last week I asked him if this was true? And he wrote back with a reading - he had actually done another reading about the matter and this is what he said amongst other things: "I still feel the baby will come from your eggs, and you must try to let go and go on with IVF"..... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hopes are up.

But cynicism looms over me and the dark shadow obscures my outlook.

Be lighter. Surrender. Let it go.

Working on it...