Stress and the body

This is my mum at 25 with me aged 6 months...

My mum is finally in her own bed at home. After two weeks in hospital since diagnosis, she is finally well enough to return to her housie on the hill with her own canister of oxygen. After the biopsy, she developed an air leak which progressively got worse so she has been on oxygen since then. Further aggravated by extreme emphyseuma this took some time to heal. Then she got brain swelling from the radiation to her head, then an infection which left her extremely fatigued. Due to limited oxygen all this time there were a few days when she was completely disorientated and confused - similiar to altitude sickness.

I was so relieved that we went to Knysna to see her last weekend. It was upsetting to see mum so sick in hospital but as soon as she started feeling better, I got back glimpses of the mum I know. She is so much better now and can chat again - we will wait to see what happens now as the course of radiation kicks in - takes 3 weeks to have full impact. Her oncologist says she can only have one course of radiation and after 3 weeks if she is feeling up to it, a course of mild chemo - all to prolong the time she still has. And I plan on spending as much time as I can with her - hoping to go back in a few weeks....I am numb to the reality...or so I thought...

Onto the stress part. Well, I was supposed to start my next IVF cycle on Monday, which has to begin on day 1 of your cycle (first day of one's period). But my period never arrived! And as at today, I am 4-6 days late. Very unusual and the only time this has happened before was when I was pregnant with the last ectopic...so of course I have been freaking out in the last few days in fear I could be pregnant with ectopic # 3! Yesterday, I couldn't take the stress anymore and went for a blood test. Negative. Thank God. Had it been a miraculous conception in the correct place it would have been the most fantastic thing, but not having had to deal with the sheer anxiety of contemplating going through another surgery right now has left me with immense relief.

So...why is my body playing games with me? Why now when I was so sure that I was ready for the next IVF cycle? Stress? Am I more stressed that I thought? Is my belief that I bounce back quickly masking my body's truth? I have also read that antoibiotics can delay a period and I completed a course for my hectic flu experience last week...whatever...it is a little frustrating. I was planning on going back to be with mum during my 2 week wait which is now getting further and further away...oh dear body please let go of this long 36 day cycle so I can start again? New beginnings dear body, new possibilities.

It is more important to me now than ever before. I so wish for my mother to meet her grandchild before she leaves. As I write this I look for hidden meaning. Have I just become aware of a mind-body thread? In delaying, my body buys more time for me, for her? No...can't be. I will breathe deeply. I will relax and go with the flow. I will trust my body and it's process. I will trust the universe's plan for me...I will take one day at a time.