Gratitude for Non-days

Do you ever have those days when you are feeling completely non? Offish, low energy, not-really-in-the-mood-for-doing-anything?

Well, I felt just like that today. So while it was not a productive day at all, it was a day of complete rest and nothingness. Fantastic.

Took Mala to the beach for her first walk next to the ocean. She took to it immediately but got tired quickly after about 200m. She is only 8 weeks old so but being a big puppy you almost forget just how young she still is.

She is all tooth and claw right now so lots of chewing, biting and shrieking from me getting attacked on the lawn. I growl to tell her to stop...not really working LOL.

Gratitude for Puppy Love

It gives you just a glimpse.

Puppy Love.

Of how it would be when your 6 month old baby reacts when they recognise you after a time apart. That response of unconditional love and happiness at seeing you again. That moment of warmth and connection.

I so want to experience that one day for myself. Soon.

But until then and for now I am just grateful for puppy love...

Cancelled on CD8 & Puppy

Yes. My IVF#4 was cancelled on cycle day 8 due to poor follie growth...it seems the low dose Washington Protocol is not going to work with me. I had one dominant 15mm follicle and another smaller 10mm one. Prof said if the gap between them was less, we may have continued, but that if he had to make the call, he would cancel. He did ask me that if I had a feeling we should go on, then we could - he was willing to let me make the decision, but as I said to him, "honestly, I don't have any "feelings" anymore about this journey, so could he please make the decision as it is in hands..." So he made the call. Prof wants to start IVF#4 Take 2 in April - next cycle...he will be changing the protocol back to higher dose stims and he still wants as least 3-4 follicles before proceeding to ER...over to you....

We picked Mala up in Stellenbosch on Saturday - what a little cutie. She was really nervous and trembly for the first while, but is getting more confident by the minute now. The first night I had to sleep on the small bed in her section of our bedroom as she would howl the minute she was left alone. During the night she was whimpering so I pulled her up to lie next to me, and she slept like a log until 7am the next morning...not a peep.

She still howls now when you walk away from her but stops quite quickly especially if she needs a little nap. She loves playing in the garden. Asia is extremely curious and wary of her while Persia has actually come right up to her to sniff her and this morning even slashed poor Mala on the nose. Persia gets freaked out everytime Mala howls and looks at her general direction in horror. Asia is still keeping his distance and hotfoots it if Mala approaches him. As for the two oldies, Aunty Pye and Aunty Lullie, they both look at Mala in disgust.

I hope at least that Persia and Mala become buddies. Am loving the puppy love...

Here is Asia and Persia checking out little Mala...

Gratitude for the Now

Mum's tumour has grown. Doubled its size since chemo stopped. I finally got hold of her oncologist and he was not overly pessimistic saying that for now she is still doing well. He wants to do a course of radiation and focus on keeping it under control and try to shrink it again. There is no definitive answer to what is coming.

Mum had asked me to call her dr with a list of questions as she was really still in a state of shock at the news that the tumour is growing aggressively. But for now, the message is loud and clear - mum must live in the now and focus on each single day, one at a time. Every moment must be treasured and lived fully. By living for what may come, you miss the moment you are in and there may be so much beauty and gratitude in that moment. Her dr told me that this is the lesson people living with cancer learn but one which we should all live by as none of us know what is coming. Wise words.

Yesterday mum in a panic had called on St Jude for help. Not a few minutes later, she read a passage in an article in the paper she was reading about a man waiting for news on a growth that was being tested and how he realised how important it was to live in the now and not to lose even one moment as it may hold so many things to be happy for....and now her Dr had the same message...synchronicity still suprises me and how wonderful for my mum that she knows her St Jude is close to her and listening to her calls for help.

So today and for all the past days of the week and for all future days to come, I have gratitude for now, for living in the now, for coming to the realisation that now is all that is actually important.

So I will take that lesson close to my heart as I wait for my follie scan tomorrow. At my scan on Tuesday, I only have one rather dominant follicle and a couple of real smallies. Prof was wavering about cancelling, but decided to wait until Thursday and relook. So we may have IVF #4 cancelled before we even get to ER... But. I will not worry as I have handed it over...and I am staying in the now...for now.

Gratitude for Escapism

Sometimes, we all need a little escapism. You know the kind I mean...like you've had a hectic day at work and you get home and flop out into a fantasy world of TV. Or you have too much on your mind and you need to immerse yourself in a good book or better yet actually get around to do an hour of mediatation. Or you need distraction from a worrying thought that you can't shake, so you have a few glasses of wine. We've all been there.

My mum called yesterday to tell me that she has been coughing up blood. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 9 months ago and has been doing so well, responding to chemo and her treatments. In January, her oncologist told her that the tumours had shrunk and that she only had to come back in 3 months for scan. Now she is going tomorrow as he is also concerned about the coughing. I don't feel good about this. So for some major escapism, we are going to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D this evening...that should just about do it for a few hours of escapism. I pray that the news tomorrow is nothing drastic that will affect her fragile state of hope that she has been clinging to for the past months....

I am on CD4 and started stimming on Thursday. Went in for my antral follie scan on CD2 and there were 3 follies on the one side and 2 follies on the other - nothing unusual there, always about the same. So Prof wanted to start stims immediately and I had a 150 shot of Gonal F at the clinic. I go back for next scan on Tuesday CD6. This is my "I've got nothing to lose" cycle...and as I said previously I am always hopeful of course...but not manically so this time around. More of a meeting halfway...

So today I have gratitude for escapism...when we need it....to bring welcomed relief to worrying times...and a pause to frenzied thought...and hopefully when the short reprieve is over, we are calmer and ready to face whatever is coming.

Gratitude for Hope

Okay, I have banked a few gratitudes for this one too.

The days are flying past so fast...I am still waiting for cycle day 1 so IVF # 4 can begin...maybe tomorrow.... Picked up my stim meds this afternoon but the sister told me I still need to come in for a day 2 scan...sigh.... Anyway am on low dose stims this cycle with Fertomid tabs and one 450 gonal f pen until day 7 when I would have my first follie scan.

I say gratitude for hope because without hope, I would've packed it in by now. It is only hope that keeps one on the journey in this crazy game. And when your balloon of hope is popped with the very sharp point of disappointment, you relunctantly fill another one and carry it with you every day during your 14-28 days of cycling.

So I have gratitude for hope. And yet, I am telling myself not to be too hopeful. So this time, my balloon is a little pap...so if the sharp point of disappointment stabs at my little hopeful balloon, it will make a soft poof noise rather than a big loud bang.

I surrender. I meet you halfway. I hand over control. I know there is divine timing. I trust there is a plan. I will know when to stop. I know it feels right to try now. I can see my baby. If I couldn't, I would know I have to give up....

I am filling my blue balloon. With hope.

Gratitude for Mala

We have found our puppy!

She is in this pack of gorgeous puppies....

She is the daughter of two beautiful ridgebacks, Nallah and Chip. We chose her today from the last two last females in a litter of 11. I think she was meant to be ours and the only reason she hadn't been chosen yet is because she is the smallest. But she has a lovely calm and sweet nature so we think she is just perfect. Her name shall be Mala.

So I think I need a week of gratitudes just for her. Okay, I have been slack with my postings but have had a hell of a week....had to bank my daily gratitudes for something special!!

We originally wanted a rescue ridgie and then also a puppy, but no rescues are available at the moment so yesterday I visited the official Ridgeback International foundation page for SA and there they were...in Stellenbosch! So off we went this morning to see them and of course, Mala just crept into our hearts. And she was born on the 30 Jan, the day after me...so a little Aquarian pup.

So she comes home to us in two weeks... I wonder what Asia and Persia are going to think of her! Hopefully they all get along just perfectly. Savannah has left such a gap in the family and I look forward to some dog energy around again. Of course, she is not going to be scary to intruders for some time, but hopefully we won't have to worry about that again!!!

Here is her dam (mum):And here is her sire (dad):

Sire: Calibre Blue Chip Asset (HD:A2 ED0:0) BY019988
Grandmother: Nomvuyo Breede Breeze of Calibre (HD0:0 ED0:0)
Grandfather: Roodedraai Encore (HD0:0)

Dam: Excalibur Nallah (HD:A2 ED0:0) BZ108734
Grandmother: Pleasantview Giza of Excalibur (HD0:0 ED0:0)
Grandfather: Excalibur Pharoah (HD0:0 ED0:0)

Not sure what her registered name will be but I think it is Excalibur Mala....will post more soon as well as a pic of her!

And I am on CD 27 today...tick tock...tick tock......

Gratitude for the Angels of Protection

My sister stayed with us on Sunday as she was in CT for the weekend to be a bridesmaid for a friends wedding. So wonderful to see her and to see her so happy. Makes me happy.

There was a heat wave in Cape Town yesterday...everywhere except on the False Bay coast which had crispy fresh sea winds blowing away the rays of the hot hot sun. The weekend ended too soon, as usual. Snap, and the new week arrives. And a new month! How quickly 2010 is tearing past, or towards...

And this morning, we had an intruder on our property. First time so it is a bit shocking. Hopefully an opportunistic attempt and not one to be repeated. Our housekeeper saw him trying to open a window and shouted at him. He ran away and she pushed the panic alarm. Chubb were here very quickly. Hopefully he got the message. Of course, I hope it is not a case of watching and knowing that Savannah is no longer here to protect the house. After all this, I think we should get a rescue dog and a Ridgeback puppy sooner than later. Horrible feeling, knowing your sanctuary has been violated. I often ask Archangel Michael to help my home angel, Misty to protect and keep our home and animals safe when we are not here. I ask him and the angels of protection to also keep us safe here...I don't like this feeling of fear and I don't want to worry as I fall asleep.

Thank you for quick catch-up visits with my sister and for the angels of protection as they surround us in their embrace of love and light.