There are many things about becoming a mother that has suprised me. But one of the most significant suprises has been what breastfeeding my babies has meant to me. I haven't been able to exclusively breastfeed as I was too preoccupied with knowing how much milk they were getting, so I developed an extremely close relationship with my Medela pump and fed them expressed breastmilk in bottles, topping up with formula as needed when my supply fell short.
Breastfeeding has intrigued me completely. Here is my body, producing a substance that nourishes them with all the nutrients and sustenance needed in exactly the correct amounts. My body...finally doing something perfectly right after years and years of struggling with infertility. And the feeling of your babies sucking and drinking milk from you is quite an overwhelming experience - well it is for me. Simply put, I love it. My heart wants to burst with pride and amazement as I look down at my babies drinking from me.
It is with great reluctance that I have started to wean myself off expressing my breastmilk. I am still expressing once a day and hoping that my milk supply will sustain to be able to occasionally still latch the babies on if they need to be comforted in the middle of the night. But they need to less and less as they are sleeping through and drink better from their bottles which they are even losing interest in now that they are on three good solid meals a day.
I am not sure why it is so hard for me to just let go...probably because I know I will never again be able to do this...so sad.