Calling for inspiration

I have been quiet on this blog...words are dormant.

I am in a period of contemplation. Of reflection. With nothing to share as yet other than a brief update of my life's recent happenings in staccato sentences...

Mum is stronger and back at home doing okay. Decision to do more chemo or not is her next challenge...
I have released a lot of anger...more on this process perhaps later...
Our new Bengal, Halo, soft boy kitty was mauled by dogs next door who broke his back...a sacral fracture, a tail amputation, nerve damage and R6000 later, he is slowly recovering, but I fear for his future as he is so not streetwise...why did we give him a home only for this to happen!

Work is hectic and I have added stress and pressure which is not filling me with enthusiasm...
A warm fire every night is getting me through winter...and the days are getting longer...
Mala, our ridgie puppy is growing day by day and I want need one-on-one training sessions with a dog whispering puppy trainer...
My personal trainer says my progress is great but I need to get back on the healthy diet wagon to shift another 10kg...and I just bought a marzipan Dutch cake...so much for that...
We are extending our off-road parking area so 4 cars can park behind the stone wall...
After vowing not to buy a single item of clothing this month, I just acquired a melange mini..so much for that as well...

All I feel like doing is reading and watching movies...bring on the escapism...
On the 16 August, my DH and I will have been together for 14 years!!! And I still think he is cute...and so so so special...
My creative senses are dulled at the moment...so I am calling on inspiration...

Calling on inspiration to...
Meditate every day
Finish my scrapbooks
Complete my recipe books
Work in the veggie garden
Finish my editing of dvd's
Finish my layouts for prints on canvas.....and and and....

All in time...and more later...

DHEA, POA and a sprinkle of hope

Since the cancelled IVF, I have been doing some work on the way forward for me on this IF journey.

Firstly, I went to have my SCIO Biofeedback done...interestingly, he said my stress levels are in check and my brain waves are running at an above average frequency which not only points towards an above average intelligence (mmmm thanks!!!) but means I can handle higher levels of stress comfortably...(mmmm right?)...so far so good. Then up popped my pituatary gland reading a little out-of-whack, which I would have expected considering the abuse it is put through being stimmed so radically with IVF. He suggested I take some Pituaplex to balance this out. On the risk front, "Trauma" spiked the charts meaning unresolved trauma issues on a cellular level - need to be resolved. Mmm, good thing I had already decided to make an appointment with a therapist then. So off I went...

And it went well. If you can call blubbing your way through 3 hours of some hard hitting unresolved childhood emotions and past traumatic memories from the ruptured ectopic that I had cleverly tucked away. I have agreed to work with her to sort through this all and help me clear all the blocks that may be limiting me on this journey to motherhood. Amazing how the teacher only arrives when the pupil is ready and what has to happen to get to this point!

Then, we met with our Prof...and the ball is in our court. Prof went through my increasingly poor track record but added it was still puzzling due to our natural conceptions albeit ectopic. It boils down to how much time, money and emotion we have to push into this slot machine (me!) with poor odds. Prof has put me back on DHEA as there is increasing evidence that this really can help, even though it did nothing last time. DH and I still want our genetic baby, so we are going to give it another go with my own eggs. And then....we will see. One step at a time. One hope at a time. We have options. No rush. No anxiety.

So for now, I will carry on with this new course of preparation...be calm...be positive...take one day at a time....start gathering up the hope again...get stronger...take the plunge...and pray for a miracle all the way.

Mum is not doing well at all and has been in hospital since Sunday with a bad infection, low sodium levels and a very low white blood count after the last chemo. She is weak and disorientated and we are worried about plans for care once she is home. Please get stronger again mum. Angels be with her and help her to get through this. I may need to go to Knysna next week to help sort things out so mum can be at home...this is very scary.

Introducing Halo

Despite hoping for the past 3 months that Asia would return. He never did. I told the breeder that he had gone and he made us an offer we could not refuse. He had Asia's half brother who is just over 1 years old, an F3,like Asia and needing a loving home. So we adopted him and I brought him home on the way back from Addo. His original name was Harley (named as such because he purrs like a Harley Davidson). We have re-named him Halo.

Wheh he arrived we were nervous as Persia did not approve and hissed at him when near as did the two grumpy aunties. But over the last few weeks he has settled in so well and Persia has a new friend. We checked his pedigree certificate and saw that not only is he Asia's half brother, he is Persia's half sister! So Asia shared a mum kitty with him and Persia shares a dad kitty with him...sweet hey.
Here he is...all the fur-kids together on one sofa - very unusual - Halo is on the arm at the end.





More of Halo in the bliss of warmth in front of the fire! He is such a sweety and already it feels as if he was always here....

On DHEA again...

So, after the cancelled IVF cycle, and trip to Addo, I have been a bad blogger.

I have been in what I can only describe as a scatty place...partly distracted, partly confused, partly disillutioned and yet partly in a state-of-surrender. I just didn't have anything to share. With myself, or my blog.

Now I have an appointment with Prof. Next Wednesday. He called me last week to say that he had spoken to colleagues in Norfolk but that they had nothing to suggest. All I can do is either to go back on DHEA for 2 months, as there is increasingly good research about this, or as a second option to go directly to donor eggs. I asked if we should perhaps chat about things and he said yes. He also said I must come pick up some DHEA and take it for 2 months (so that must mean he feels we should try again with my own eggs???) So we have an appointment. And yet, I know he will repeat what he has already told me above. We will decide to proceed with another if possibly the last attempt with my own eggs, and in all likelihood, we will start IVF 5 in September...

What will make IVF 5 (or 6 if you take the fact that IVF 4 was two takes!) different? Is there anything I can do to improve the outcome? I will not go there...I am surrendering to what will be.

And yet, I am still in quest. And found two things which resonated strongly with me. The first was a contact for a private therapist / hypnotherapist who does work clearing old blocks and also offers womb cleansing for anyone wanting to fall pregnant. So I am going to see her.

And secondly, SCIO - quantum biofeedback, which has been posted about on the forum. This therapy "is a sophisticated computerized system that both tests and balances the body at the subtle energy level. SCIO stands for Scientific Consciousness Interface Operation system and is derived from the Latin, meaning “I know”. This can be used to test and report on: Allergens, Amino acids, Bacteria, Blood Chemistry, Bones, Candidas, Chakras, Chromosomes, Digestion, Disease, Brain wave, Fatty acids, Fungi, Hormones, Meridians, Minerals, Muscles, Organ sarcodes, Parasites, Physic Energies, Prions, Spiritual Energies and Toxins.

Will report back on both these experiences.

And I have been asking. Wasn't going to but as every psychic reading I have ever had has told me that I will have a baby and imminently, I have always held onto that hope that it is so. And yet, 6 years of the same readings and still no baby to speak of does make one pause and wonder if the psychics only relay what they see so vividly in my mind. So I asked. The last psychic I saw (got a reading as a gift so I went) again confirmed that yes I will have a baby, soonish. But when???? And I was still on pause regarding my suspicion above. So last week I asked him if this was true? And he wrote back with a reading - he had actually done another reading about the matter and this is what he said amongst other things: "I still feel the baby will come from your eggs, and you must try to let go and go on with IVF"..... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hopes are up.

But cynicism looms over me and the dark shadow obscures my outlook.

Be lighter. Surrender. Let it go.

Working on it...

Elephants here we come

Well, I am off with my two sisters to take mum to the Addo Elephant Park this weekend! I am leaving my DH and DP's (dear pets) at home...will miss them madly! My sister arrives tomorrow and then we drive down to Knysna on Friday, then to Addo Sat and Sun and back to CT next Wed.

Have been feeling peaceful, strangely. Haven't been to see Prof yet and I think I will only worry about that when I get back. And it is okay. I have just read The Journey by Brandon Bays while simultaneously listening to Caroline Myss' new book "Defy Gravity" on cd...both discussing how we can heal at a soul level / cellular level..all tying in with the latest course I attended called QEC = Quantum Energy Coaching and TRE = Trauma Releasing Exercise...more about this later...

For now, I am peaceful and centred and opening up again to my own spiritual power and what that means for the next stretch of my journey...

The road is open and it stretches into a glorious adventure...

Not meant to be...

It seems as if it is just not meant to be...again....

Am so sad at the nothingness you feel when it fails...the empty, hollowness of disappointment.

It gets worse with every failed cycle. It's that space between possibility and despair - the widest cavernous space of sadness. Sadness at having the very vital purpose of being a woman on this planet reduced to a game of chance. Sadness at wasting so much vital energy, money and emotion on holding hope in your heart. Sadness at the lost possibility that it could just have worked. This time.

But it didn't.

Embie is still only a 5 cell and seems too slow to be viable. Unless a miracle happens, transfer is cancelled again. Prof wants to meet with us tomorrow to discuss a new plan. I know he is going to say we can either carry on trying with my own eggs on the off chance we get lucky even though this is a remote possibility, otherwise we can move into a higher chance of success next with donor eggs now...

Somewhere along this 12 year journey...we have gone from conceiving a baby twice to a serious decline in egg quality.... This makes it even harder to accept. Why didn't we do IVF 5 years ago when we still had a chance? But, there is no point in looking back.

Back to the beginning, when I had no idea this is what lay in store for me....I always believed I would be a mother of at least two by 35. I always thought I would be a good mother and that embracing non-conditional love and welcoming responsibility would come naturally to me. So many projects have been shelved as I was waiting for a child to share it with.

I want to believe it is still possible. But today, it still seems so far away.

Hang in there little embie

Today, we had: a 2 cell (suddenly started cleaving but too slow so not viable), our 2 cell from yesterday became a 3 cell (also too slow so not viable) and our awesome little 4 cell is now a 5 cell - also a little slow as lab would prefer a day 3 embie to be 8 cells (well anything from 5-8, but preferably 8 cells).....so....we have all our hopes on our little 5 cell.

Prof says he wants it to start compacting otherwise no transfer....so we have 24 hours to get to 8 cells and to start compacting.

I am so scared it is happening again...embryos all stopped before 8 cells....my heart is so sore just thinking about it and I am trying so hard to keep positive. I have tried pleading, bargaining, asking, releasing, surrendering....am not sure what else to do....

Yes, what will be will be...but in the meantime I keep telling myself to believe it is possible...it is possible...