I feel like I am in limbo...
Between wanting to indulge in and enjoy this incredible miracle that is happening right now, and staving off the fears of my world crashing down. It is incredible how much residual fear is constantly around me. That something can still go horribly wrong. Then I keep reminding myself that everything can go perfectly right.
On the one hand I am trying to act as if all will be well. But I start to panic when I feel an unusual ache in my side. How will I protect my heart? Damn infertility and all the pain we have to endure. Will this taint what should be a wonderful experience? I know I don't want it to. So I am going to focus on the now, everyday as my confidence grows and I can start to stretch into the wonder that this is.
Have decided I am going for another beta on Friday at 18dp5dt...yes, for my sanity. And another one on Tuesday at 22dp5dt and then will take it from there...it will be a week after this that I have my first scan.
very normal to feel like this, you have a + beta but no other solid proof - no real symptoms, no scan pic etc. My advice would be to stop with the betas - it causes way to much stress waiting for those results. Besides betas start doing weird things as they get higher, they no longer double but start to plateau. Your betas were absolutely perfect I would leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteI know you are stressed but at this point no amount of stressing or repeating betas is going to determine an outcome. If you are not bleeding then that is a very good sign and just trust that things are going to work out (I know how difficult this is but for your sanity you need to trust the process)
I can only imagine how difficult it must be. Scared to hope, scared to put yourself out there. I had a feeling you'll be having twins, I'm hanging onto that hope for you with every inch of my being! Your journey has given me so much hope of what I am to embark on in the next future. Good idea on going for the betas whatever gets you through the day :-)
ReplyDeleteHey Aunty Cam. I think you are in such a unique situation that it would be very hard for anyone to understand what you are actually going through right now. As you say, residual fears, addapting to the idea of perhaps having two (probably much bigger than what some people might realize) and also the other great personal losses you have experienced in your recent life. Anyone in your situation would be feeling more than crazy. I just want to acknowledge that you must be experiencing things right now that are very difficult to process - even though the situation is one to celebrate. It is impossible for a person to just switch from the heart aches that you have experienced - to a state of calm and acceptance - over night. But you have processed the most difficult of feelings in the last couple of years, with such grace - that I whole heartedly believe this process of reaching the calm and acceptance - is really the very last step in this incredible journey - of Cam becoming a mother. Sending you lots of love and light!
ReplyDeleteOh how familiar this sounds. It's normal for you to be vascilating between wanting to shout from the roof tops to being so scared that something is going to go wrong... that being said your beta's were SUPER solid, you're not bleeding and my advise is the same as Dee's - stay away from the beta's, from around 5 weeks onwards your betas will plateau (u are around there now or will be when you do the betas) and you will only stress more cos they are not rising as you "think" they should be.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard and the wait till scan day is particularly aweful but hang in there - it's all gonna be GREAT.
xxx