Finn & Rebecca

Finn & Rebecca

Monday, August 15, 2011

Exciting week ahead...and memories

This is going to be an exciting week!  My older sister arrives to stay for the week today, followed by my younger sister on Wednesday. We have our 4D scan on Wed morning which I am so excited for - have been asking the babes nicely to please face forward for the camera as we would love to see both their little faces!

Then we reach 27 weeks on Thursday and I have an Obgyn appointment on Friday so will see them again (so lucky)! That evening, 3 more special women arrive to stay for a weekend of women celebrating my pregnancy with an informal baby shower! They are all mothers in our is just me who has been waiting to join this club for so very long. I have been through all their pregnancies...

Starting when I was 19 years old and my cousin fell pregnant with my god-daughter who is now living her adult life. Then, my older sister fell pregnant with my niece, now in high school. Then my younger sister, also fell pregnant with a little girl, who I was lucky enough to have been so close to from when she was about 8 months old until they moved to Pretoria a couple of years ago. At the same time, DH's nephew's wife also conceived a little girl and we have watched her grow alongside our niece. Then a couple of months after my ruptured ectopic in 2007, my young step-daughter fell pregnant with our grandchild. This was the hardest pregnancy by far that I had to face as I had just lost one and I couldn't understand the cruel twist of fate, but when he was born, he brought with him so much innocence, light and healing to me.

During the period of the last three children born into our family, I had some dark days. Having to endure family conversations about babies, children and what being a mother meant to each of them. Watching the babies grow.  How alone I felt in my infertility - after all I wouldn't understand as I wasn't a mother. I felt so left out especially when me and my two sisters and my mum would be chatting and inevitably at times it would be about motherhood and children...and I was the only one who wasn't a mother.Even my DH was already a parent and would talk about memories of his daughter and her mother. I often had to fight back tears during these times and pretend that I was not being affected by the absolute disappointment and shame I felt at not being able to produce a child. I was alone in my failure. Trapped in my body that was unable to create a baby.

And now...finally....I get to join the mummy club.

A lot later than I thought I would..after all I was ready to start a family in 1998! I always thought I would have at least two or three children by now. And yet, I also understand that this was the timing for us....for whatever purpose, our time to become parents - me for the first time and DH for the second, is now.

And we get to welcome two new souls on earth and into our lives. I am still in awe that this is finally happening to me and I will never forget the very long journey of pain, fear, disappointment, sadness, hope, love, growth it has taken me on.

I am ready to become a mother.

1 comment:

  1. Phhwew Cam, this post got me in tears.
    I can identify so well with what you describe ... these oh so long years and situations and loneliness and lumps in the troath, and tears in the intimacy of the guest toilet etc.
    But then, when you look at the depth and scope of growth you have achieved on, physical, mental and spiritual level, maybe the wait was not overly long ... !?
    I am so proud of you !!
    ENJOY, this time to celebrate the very special mother you already are !!